


A Notch In Her Bedpost

by FoxesDance



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Come to the dark side, Dirty Talk, Dream Sex, Dubious Consent, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hate Sex, Obsessive Behavior, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rough Sex, Shameless, Smut, Spanking, There Is Something Wrong With My Brain, There's a Plot Now?, Unhealthy Relationships, Voyeurism, We Have Adam Driver, sudden kink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-05-18 04:41:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 46,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5898658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoxesDance/pseuds/FoxesDance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo can't stop the visions of the scavenger from plaguing him. They're disturbing. He shouldn't like them so much.</p><p>Edit: So, this has spiraled so out of control. There's a plot? I think. Sorta. It's gotten kinda serious. And a little darkish, def angsty. Lots of manipulation, from both sides of the aisle. I don't think this story is very healthy >.></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Second story written. First porn attempted. Please, be gentle. It is just absolute trash. And I am trash for writing it.

It's happening again. He tries to ignore it, forget it, do anything else but think about it, but he was already lost. Just like last time. Just like every time, if he was completely honest with himself. It was like a tide washing over him, and he has very little chance of making it back to the shore until the water decides to release him.

It starts with mere flashes, small insights into someone else's privacy. Lips, friction, soft sounds. Sometimes he can reign it in before it goes too much farther. But lately, it's becoming harder and harder to control. Maybe it's just becoming harder to control himself. Maybe he doesn't really want to control it. Maybe he craves it.

The moans have intensified, and he's getting flashes of images. It's dark, but he can make out a jacket being pushed off by small hands, fumbling under the collar of a shirt. The right hand skids up the corded neck attached to the collar to caress a stubbled jaw, up to an ear where it buries itself into dark, wavy hair. The lips are hungry for each other, devouring each other in their haste.

She must be drunk. The images were blurry around the edges, hazy and foggy. And he has a sudden feeling of lightheadedness. Definitely drunk.

Kylo groans softly and shifts in his seat. He wipes his hands down his face and wishes, not for the first time, that this was not his cross to bear.

The vision shifts slightly, the floor becoming farther away, like the person whose eyes he was seeing through has grown taller suddenly. The small arms wrap themselves around broad shoulders and a moan escapes again. There was a weightless feeling, and large hands gripping tightly to a soft, rounded bottom. Ah, he's picked her up. That makes more sense than the idea that she has gotten taller. He can't _think_ when this happens. And it keeps happening with greater frequency.

Kylo slumps and lays his head back on the chair, wondering when this vision will end. Surely it won't take too long, maybe she'll black out from the alcohol. It was really disconcerting feeling a grinding hardness between his legs. He never thought he'd ever feel anything like _that_ before all of this started happening.

She giggles and writhes out of the embrace. He's beginning to thank the stars that maybe it was over when the world tilts again, the floor coming closer this time instead of far away. He groans again and beats his fist against the arm of the chair. She's fumbling with the placket of a pair of very tight pants, and he just doesn't know if he can handle this much longer. Feeling wrapped around someone else was one thing, but he absolutely _can not_ handle watching fellatio from the first person.

He concentrates hard, almost like he's meditating, and brings himself out of her eyes, pulling himself like a ghost around behind the pair, over the man's – he refuses to use that _pilot's_ damned name – shoulders. If he's going to watch his scavenger suck someone's dick, it's going to be from this angle, thank you very much.

It's _much_ better from this angle, anyway. He watches, rapt, as her lips stretch around the organ, gazing up at the man before her with the most smoldering look he's ever seen. One small hand wraps around the appendage while the other curls into the man's hip, clutching him tightly, as her head bobs to and fro slowly, teasingly. A large hand comes up and cards through her hair. It's coming out of her buns in a sloppy, yet appealing, way. The hand only makes the hair more of a mess, gripping it tightly as it gently guides her movements.

“Force, Rey, you're getting too good at this..” a deep voice rumbles, and Kylo wishes he doesn't have to hear as well as see. She looks up again at him and moans around him, and Kylo could _feel_ the waves of pleasure wafting off the man.

There's a deep groan, and the hand in her hair pulls her back, a little less gently. “You gotta stop, Rey...” he mumbles, placing a hand on her shoulder. The man is panting wildly. Kylo grins smugly. He'd like to think he'd last longer than that, at least.

She smiles up at him and licks her lips. “But I like the way you taste..” she says softly, her words a little slurred and her voice pretending to be petulant. How did she learn to be this seductive?? Kylo grinds his teeth, wondering how many times they've done this before without him witnessing it. It's messed up, he shouldn't be feeling this way. _He was dying to be this man.._

The man helps her from the floor and almost tosses her on the bed, bouncing onto it after her. Kisses and touches, interspersed with flinging articles of clothing across the room, ensue. She's bottomless and he's topless, his pants slung low around his waist, her shirt rucked up to her collarbones giving the whole room a view of her pert breasts. The man has two of his thick fingers three knuckles deep in her. She's moaning and writhing on the bed, and Kylo almost lets himself sink back into her view again, just to feel how tight she is. Almost. He's learned his lesson on that score before. It feels great to imagine her tight walls clenching around the hardness of fingers and cock, it's quite another thing entirely to suddenly feel like you're being penetrated. He doesn't want to feel that again. So he stays where he's at, an invisible voyeur on this very private scene between two of his most hated enemies.

“Please, Poe..” she moans, her voice high and needy. She hitches a breath when he presses his thumb to her sensitive nub and arches off the bed. “ _Please..!”_ She's so close.. Kylo can almost see the waves of her release fluttering against her belly. But the man stops and puts his hand on his turgid length instead, coming closer to press it into her. She moans, trying to catch her breath, and shakes her head. She presses him back a bit, away from her, and Kylo is immediately confused. Maybe she's not in the mood anymore..? But rather than pull away from him, she turns herself over onto her knees and presents her very shapely backside to the man. “Like this..” she mumbles, arching her back so the man – and, unknowingly, Kylo – can get a good look at her swollen, soaking muff.

She gets no argument from the man she's with – or from Kylo, for that matter – as his hands grasp onto the soft globes of her bottom. He grips her tightly, squeezing and fondling her ass as he slides his length into her. They both make soft, choking sounds at the entrance, and she arches her back even more as the man buries himself to the hilt in her. There's a pause for just a moment as they both get used to the feel, his stretch and her tightness. Then, it's full tilt fucking as the man bends over her and thrust into her, hard and fast, again and again. She's almost sobbing with her pleasure as she grips the sheets beneath her tightly, trying desperately to hold onto something as the man takes no mercy on her or her sopping sheath.

There's no more words between the two lovers, just gasping and moaning, just the filthy sounds of skin slapping against wet skin. They're both sweating now, and Kylo can tell that her legs are shaking, though he's not sure if it's from the power of the man behind, or the power of her own lust.

The man leans over her, pressing kisses to her shoulders, the gentleness in sharp contrast with the ferocity of his thrusts. He reaches a hand under her to touch her, pressing and rubbing and flicking at her swollen clit, and he says something like “Come on” or “Come for me”, but it's too inarticulate to make out the actual words. And it's as if that's all she's needed all along, those gruff words whispered in her ear. She shatters around the man, arching against him and pressing her hips to his. She's sobbing, yelling out, crying to her lover as she comes, letting him know just how _kriffing good_ it feels to have him so deep inside.

The man groans deeply behind her and flips her over none too gently. He takes himself in hand and pumps urgently. This must be something they've done before, because she seems to know exactly what he wants. She leans up towards his straining cock, even as dazed as she is from her own recent orgasm, and opens her mouth, her tongue stuck out obscenely. The man erupts on her, shooting hot white ropes of his pleasure across her lips and tongue, dripping down her chin. The man collapses beside her on the bed and closes his eyes, sighing softly.

She leans back on her elbows on the bed, panting softly. She swipes at the dribbles escaping down her chin and licks her mouth clean. She looks right at where Kylo's presence is hanging in the air. She winks as she sucks the spunk from her lips and fingers. And she thinks right at him. _Good show..?_

Kylo gasps and comes, his hand jerking himself rapidly. He can't even remember pulling himself free of his pants.

How did she know he was there..?

_Did she always know he was there??_

 


	2. Come On Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same scene, from Rey's perspective..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a terrible person and I can't help myself. I'll be over here in the dumpster if you need me..
> 
> Somehow, this is almost twice as long as the original. I don't know how I let myself get so carried away >_>

_Sweet sensations, hot temptations, infiltrating through_

_Hot temptations, sweet sensations coming over you_

 

“He's doing it again..” she murmured against her lover's lips.

“Just ignore it.. He'll go away eventually. It's got to get boring by now.” he chuckled.

“I'm tired of ignoring it.” she pouted. She sighed softly as his lips slid down the column of her throat.

“It's not a big deal. I don't care, it's not like he can touch you.” He held her a little more possessively.

She'd had a few too many drinks earlier. It was the only excuse she could come up with for why the idea had ever seemed like a good one. “...why don't we give him a real show..?” Her grin was almost feral.

He frowned at her a bit, his hands tightening on her hips. “That's.. kind of a shitty idea..” he shook his head.

She frowned back. “Well, he's kind of a shitty person, so...” She smiled at him in that coy way he loved. “C'mon. It'll be fun.. Let's be dirty.. Maybe it'll make him think twice next time he invades our privacy..” She leaned against him and snagged his earlobe between her teeth.

He groaned softly. He was going to say yes, she knew it. He never said no to her. She reached down to cup him in his trousers for good measure.

“Fine.. Extra dirty..” he growled. He was starting to get into the idea, she could feel the arousal wafting off of him.

She grinned up at him. “Poe Dameron. Are you getting turned on by this? Wanna hear me scream your name while he watches..?” If she was honest, it had really started to turn her on, too.

“Hush, before I change my mind..” he whispered against her collarbone.

She reached up and pushed his jacket from his shoulders. The time for talking was done. She was going to ignore everything but the feeling of her lover pressed tightly against her. She slipped her hand into his hair, bringing his lips back to hers for a lusty kiss. Nothing could be wrong when she was in his arms.

He slid his hands down her back and grabbed her hips, pressing his against hers. She moaned against his mouth, sucking his luscious bottom lip between her teeth. She looked up at him, letting her eyes show him how much she trusted him, how she wanted him, the promise that he was the only man on her mind right then, no matter what other man might be _in_ her mind.

His voice thrummed softly in his throat and he lifted her from the floor, his hands on her bottom gripping her tightly. She wrapped her arms and legs around him. His hardness was pressed into just the right place, and she rocked against him, enjoying the sensations.

She could feel _his_ frustration and she grinned. It was working better than she thought. He didn't even seem to catch her intentions. The power was going to her head – along with the alcohol – and she giggled. She disengaged, pulling her legs from his waist, and slid down his chest achingly slowly. She rucked up his shirt, grazing her teeth down his muscled torso as she knelt in front of him. She slid one hand up his abdomen while the other reached up to cup him firmly through his pants. The groan he let seep from his throat sounded strangled. She glanced up at him through her lashes, making great haste to free the throbbing hardness under her hands.

When he finally fell out of the placket of his pants, she took him in her hands and licked him from stem to stern, letting her tongue flick around the tip. She could hear him panting softly, his hands clenching at his sides to try to keep himself in some sort of control. But she didn't want him in control. She wanted him nasty, hard and fast and dirty. She took his length into her hot mouth, taking him as deep as she can. She gripped his hip tightly with her free hand. She raised her eyes to his, she wanted him to see how she wanted him, how she loved pleasuring him.

He swallowed thickly, his adam's apple working in his throat, and he brought his hand up, first to cup her cheek sweetly then to brush his fingers into her hair. He gripped her messy buns tightly and pushed her further onto his aching cock. She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly through her nose, taking him deep into her throat.

She sucked him slowly, her hand gripping him tightly when she can't fit any more of him into the cavern of her mouth.

“Force, Rey, you're getting too good at this..” his deep voice rumbled over her, sending shocks of desire and pleasure flooding her system. She doubled her efforts, hollowing her cheeks around him, and raised her eyes again to his. She moaned as she let him take her mouth. This position was relatively new to her, but she loved it. Loved the innate power she felt at being the reason he could barely stand straight.

He choked softly as he watched her. She could see how turned on he was, watching his hardness slide wetly in and out of her mouth. He was starting to really lose control, she could feel him throbbing more quickly in her. His grip on her hair tightened and he pulled her away a little less gently than he normally would.

He pushed her softly on the shoulder when she made to go back to what she was doing. “You gotta stop, Rey..”

She smiled up at him, loving the way she could bring him to his knees, and licked her lips. “But I like the way you taste..” she pouted up at him, biting down on her lower lip.

He reached down to her, helping her stand from the floor, and almost threw her on the bed. She giggled as he bounded up after her, latching his mouth to hers. He pushed her shirt up and kneaded her breasts hungrily as he ravaged her mouth. She grabbed the material of his shirt and dragged it up, letting going of his mouth long enough to pull it over his head and toss it haphazardly across the room. He pressed down onto her, his chest against hers, and rocked his hips against her loose pants.

She seriously needed to have less layers between them. She lifted her hips off the bed, his moan of pleasure in her ear as he sucked against her neck. She impatiently yanked at her pants and underthings, her hands fumbling with the cloth as she desperately tried to rid herself of anything that was keeping her from touching him, skin to skin.

He took pity on her with a soft chuckle and reached down to help her, stripping the material from her legs quickly. She wrapped her legs around him and rolled her hips against his hardness, aching for him to fill her.

He leaned back on his knees so he could see her as he ran his hands down from her pert breasts to her softly rounded hips. He pressed his thumbs against her soft skin, smoothing them down to her sweet wetness and pulling her folds open for his gaze. He had such a reverent look on his face as he touched her, she was overwhelmed by his depth of feeling.

He swirled one tapered fingertip around her slick heat, teasing her with his featherlight touch. She gasped and pressed her hips against his hands, trying to force his hand where she wanted it to go. He grinned down at her and circled his finger around her little nub. She moaned and sank further into the bed, tanking handfuls of the sheets in her hands and closing her eyes.

He felt so good, but she wanted more. She opened her eyes and implored him with a look to stop teasing her and _take_ her. He grinned and pressed that teasing finger down into her aching heat just like she wanted. She gasped and moaned, pressing up against him, taking him deeper. She lifted her hips off the bed and rocked against his hand, taking what he had to give but still wanting more.

“So greedy..” he whispered. He pressed a second finger into her. He fingered her to the hilt of his hand, as far deep as he could go. He pumped into her wetly and she moaned and writhed against him. The pressure was too much and not enough and she just wanted more of him.

“Please, Poe..” she moaned, her voice sounding like someone else's to her own ears. He took pity on her and pressed his thumb against her clit, making her arch even higher from the bed. _“Please..!”_

She was so close. Her belly was fluttering, chasing desperately after her release. But he pulled his hands away, prolonging her pleasure. He took himself in hand and knelt closer to her to give her just what she wanted. She belatedly remembered her original idea, she wanted it hard and dirty. This way was fine, but she knew it would be even better in a different position.

She pressed him back a bit, giving herself some room to turn over. She spread her legs wide, bending over before him. She arched her back deeply, pressing her shoulders into the mattress beneath her, to give him a good view of how much she wanted him. “Like this..”

There was satisfaction rolling off of him in waves. She should really let him get dirty and wild more often. Making love sweetly was nice, but this might even be better.

He took her by the hips and pulled her firmly back against him. He fondled her sweet bottom in his hands. He pulled her cheeks apart wider and slid into her in a slow thrust. She moaned, her voice muffled by the mattress. That was _exactly_ what her body needed. He paused for a moment, and she wasn't sure if it was to catch his breath or his control. She didn't have long to get used to the feeling before he started to pound into her, rougher and faster than he had ever taken her before. She cried out, gripping tight to the bed to keep him from pushing her into the headboard.

“Oh _fuck_ , Poe!” she gasped. She can do nothing but hold on as he takes her from behind, his hands gripping her hips hard enough to bruise.

He took no mercy on her, thrusting into her over and over, not letting up even when she sobbed her pleasure into the bed. It was too much but it was so good.

He leaned into her, one arm pressed into the mattress next to her, and kissed her shoulders and neck softly. Her body was covered in sweat from their exertions, and she could feel how hot and damp he was behind and over her.

He pressed his forehead into the curve of her neck, even as he pulled her hips back into his. He slid his hand down from her hip, around her, under her, and pressed against her sensitive clit. “C'mon, Rey..” he whispered gruffly into her ear. “Force, you feel so good.. Come for me, I can feel you, you're so close..” He grunted, stuttering his hips into hers. He was close, too. But he wanted her to feel it first.

And that was it. His deep voice, the growl at the back of his throat, begging her to come, that was exactly what she had needed, what had been missing. She cried out under him, pressing her hips back against him as her whole world shattered, shrinking down to a pinpoint of where his cock was buried so deep into her and it was so good, so _kriffing good._

He slowed his thrusts, letting her ride out her orgasm. He groaned as she fluttered around him, he wasn't going to last any longer. He pulled out of her, slapped her flank roughly to get her to flip over to face him. And she could picture it as clear as day, what he wanted to do. It was something new, but it was so hot she couldn't deny him.

He pumped himself a few times as she crawled between his knees. He pressed his hand into her hair and brought her in closer, gasping and groaning as he came all over her face. It was probably the nastiest thing they'd ever done. And she loved it.

He exhaled softly and flopped down next to her, trying desperately to catch his breath. She swiped her fingers over her chin with trembling fingers, making more of a mess than actually cleaning anything up. It had been so filthy, and she _loved_ it. She sucked her fingers into her mouth, licking herself obscenely, and looked right at the spot she could feel _him_ in. She didn't know why she wanted to tease him, it just felt right.

_Good show..?_

She could feel his own orgasm in the feedback of their bond. It sent phantom shivers through her body and she moaned, laying back, enjoying the residual aftershocks. It wasn't right, but she wanted to know that this little performance was for more than just her pleasure. There was definitely something wrong with her. She had _wanted_ to feel him come too..

 

 


	3. Burn Another Bridge, Break Another Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dreams can be dangerous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. I guess there's a plot now? I can't really tell. I'm still trying to decide how I'm going to put these chapters in order.
> 
> There's a bit of smexy Reylo at the beginning for all you trashy cuties out there.

_Her knees are pressed against black satin sheets. The slickness of the fabric feels so real against her skin. The man behind and beneath her is large, almost dwarfing her. She's covered in sweat. They'd been at this for what felt like days. It was tortuously slow. She could feel the strength of the man behind her as she straddled his lap. One hand on her hip as he guided her, rocking him along his hardness. She bucks against him, trying to speed up the motions, but he won't let her do more than roll her hips in a slow circle. She whimpers desperately, but he takes no mercy on her. His other hand skates across her breasts. He kneads the soft flesh in his hand. Rolls her tight nipple around his fingers. Pulls and plucks at it. She arches her back against him, relishing the feelings his hands are creating in her. He reaches to the other breast, giving it the same attentions. She was beginning to despair of ever catching her breath. He left a trail of wet kisses and bites along her neck and shoulder, her head reclined back against him to give him better access. She had one hand on his thigh beneath her, gripping him for all that she was worth. Her other hand was buried in his soft, wavy hair. She gasped softly as her slow rocking presses his thick cock in just the right place._ “Say my name and I'll let you come, Rey..” _His deep baritone was hypnotic, but she knew she couldn't. She shook her head urgently, pulling his hair to bring his lips back to her neck. But the dream faded and_ she woke up with a gasp, feeling neither rested nor satisfied.

The dreams were getting worse.

She was starting to hear him in her waking hours too. She was so stupid. Why did she think that pushing him was a good idea..?

_Rey..._

She shuts her eyes tight and tries hard to shut down the link. She was trying to meditate and _seriously_ could not deal with this right now.

_I know you can hear me, Rey.._

Nope. She was meditating. This was something she could ignore, just like any other annoyance.

_That won't work, Rey.. I'm still here.._

She grimaces and huffs out an exasperated breath. She was meditating. She was _not_ having a conversation with an enemy half a galaxy away. She had better things to do.

_I know what kind of things you want to do, Rey.._

Why did he keep saying her name like that?? Why couldn't he just leave her alone?

_You opened us up to this, Rey. Now, I can't help but be in your head. In your thoughts. In your dreams._

She flushes a deep read and groans. He was just trying to goad her. She wasn't going to let that happen.

_I know what you want.. I can see it. I can_ feel _it when you dream about it. And you do. You have been, constantly. Does your little pilot not have what it takes anymore? He can't satisfy you the way that you_ know _I can. He's too sweet, too soft. He doesn't understand how hard you need it._

He sends her images, fragments of imagined scenes, straight into her mind. It makes her face flush again, though not with anger. She bites her lip and tries desperately to ignore them. Her pressed against a wall, his arms holding her up while he takes her, so roughly the wall shakes. Him holding her down on a bed covered in red sheets, her wrists tied above her head, he's pushing her legs so far back she's almost bent in half. Her on her knees, gasping and writhing as he eats her out from behind.

She doesn't give him the satisfaction of reacting to him with words or thoughts, even if her blush does creep from her cheekbones to her chest. She had been warned about being seduced to the dark side, but she had no _idea_ that the seduction would be so... literal.

“There is no passion, there is only peace..” she murmurs the saying over and over to herself, trying to convince herself as well as him.

_Oh, Rey.. The things I'm going to do to you when I get you in my reach. You have no idea what passion is._

She really needs him to _stop saying her name._ He keeps using it like a verbal caress. Like it's something he says while he thrusts painfully slowly. And now she's got _that_ mental image in her head. She _hates_ Kylo Ren!

He chuckles softly from his side of the bond. _It's okay to admit you want me. I know you do. Desire is a normal human emotion, no matter what Luke tells you. You know this, that's why you've let that pilot paw all over you._

His voice has taken a deep, possessive tenor. It's disconcerting to say the least.

She grits her teeth. Meditating is just not going to be happening today, apparently. “It's none of your business what happens between Poe and me.”

The voice scoffs. _Oh? He's the guy you let fuck you raw while I watch.. How is that not my business. Should I be flattered or angry that you're using him as a surrogate for me..?_

Her own anger snaps at that. “He is _not_ a surrogate for you! Trust me, you are the last man in the galaxy I could ever be prevailed upon to fuck!”

_You wound me, Rey.. And you send such mixed signals. You tempt me to watch your most intimate moments, begging me to feel your passion. You dream such erotic dreams that you pull me into. And yet you still try to deny our burgeoning attraction for one another._

“Trust me, none of that was consciously done. Get that sick thought out of your head now.”

_It's going to happen, Rey. I'm going to find you. Each siren call you send me brings me closer. And then I'm going to fuck you in ways no one ever has. You can lie to yourself about it, but you can't lie to me. I can see inside your head, I know what you want. And I know what you don't want. Poor sad little Poe.. Does he even know you think of me when he makes you come..?_

“I don't – that's not true!”

_Search your feelings, Rey, you know it to be true._

She uses all of her anger and energy to slam her walls up, closing off the link. It might have been too late..

 


	4. Thinking of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts of Kylo Ren are seriously impeding her private life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to another installment of "As the Dumpster Turns", where I will continue to write terrible shit that no one asked for because I can't help myself :D

It was absolutely peculiar. It was almost like she was in two places at once. Like floating in an ether between two worlds. She wasn't entirely sure if she enjoyed the feeling or not.

Poe was above her. She could see him. She could feel him in her arms. They were... having some private time together. There was nothing unusual about that at all. They were together a lot. She liked his company. She liked fucking him. Even if he was a little more soft with her than she wanted sometimes. But, beggars can't be choosers. And Poe treated her better than anyone she'd ever known in her entire remembered history. She could put up with a lot for that kind of incentive.

He leaned into her neck, sucking softly against her slender throat. He was going to leave a small mark. He seemed to like doing that. She wondered sometimes if it was because he wanted other people to know they had been together. But she honestly didn't mind. At least, not too much. It was a little embarrassing for other people to talk or think about her sex life, though.

She moaned into his hair, running one hand up his shoulder to caress his jaw.

But he felt bigger than he normally did. Broader and longer somehow. It wasn't a bad feel. Just, kind of weird. Poe wasn't exactly the tallest guy around. And she wasn't exactly petite. But they fit together well. It wasn't like she longed for him to be different.

She hitched one leg higher on his hips, bringing him in deeper. That felt different, too. She gasped as he hit a spot he normally didn't in their lovemaking. It wasn't really a size thing. Poe was _great_ in that department, no complaints whatsoever. She didn't exactly have a large lexicon to draw from when it came to the human male anatomy, but Poe seemed to be well above average. It just felt like he was coming in from a different angle. She tilted her hips up to feel it more and the phantom feeling slid away.

She closed her eyes, trying to catch that feeling again. She gasped when Poe almost purred against her neck, a soft rumbling sound that went straight through her causing her to clench around him tightly. He chuckled and bit her neck a little roughly. That mark was definitely going to be there in the morning. And probably bigger than usual.

And that was when it hit her. What felt so off.

It wasn't Poe.

Well, it was Poe. She knew he was there. She had been the one to initiate contact, so she knew very well who she was fucking. But the strange phantom feelings weren't Poe. The chuckle was what tipped her off. It hadn't been Poe's voice. His voice wasn't that deep.

That was _Kylo's_ voice.

She shot her eyes wide open with a gasp. This wasn't happening. Not now. She grasped onto Poe tightly, almost reminding herself who she was with. The person she _wanted_ to be with. She didn't want to be with someone else. Especially not a particular someone else.

She heard the chuckle again.

Poe didn't seem to notice. His slow, rhythmic thrusting didn't let up. It was their normal routine. Slow and steady til she came, then finish quickly and proceed to the snuggles. Sometimes, it really irked her how he treated her like she was going to break.

No. _No._ That was a mutinous thought, and she wasn't going to deal with it right now.

_It's okay to admit you'd rather have me between your thighs, Rey.._ The voice chuckled again.

“ _Now is seriously a bad time. Please go away.”_ she tried to be as mundane sounding as possible. The last thing she wanted was to make him interested in staying.

She felt that feeling hit inside her again. She gasped and snapped her hips up towards Poe's. He grinned down at her. “You're so responsive tonight..” he groaned, clutching her more tightly as he rocked into her.

Nope. No no no. Nope nope _nope,_ this was not happening! 

She closed her eyes again, trying to make the idiot in her head go away. But she was immediately bombarded with a slightly altered scene of reality. Kylo was on top of her, instead of Poe. He was grinning down at her, his cheekbones flushed red from their exertions. He gripped one thigh tightly and raised her ankle to his shoulder. It was suddenly the perfect angle, stretching her out wide for him. She moaned and arched against him. His hips were almost slapping against hers with the ferocity of his thrusting. _“This is what you want.”_ He thrust into her with a particularly hard slap of skin to punctuate. _“This is how you want it.”_ Another thrust, harder than the first. He was driving her mad. She cried out with each thrust and pressed against him urgently. He placed his other hand on her throat, his thumb against her pulsepoint, jarringly gentle compared to the way he almost attacked her tightness. _“You can't lie to me here. You want it bad, and you know I know how to give it to you..”_

She banished the thought immediately and opened her eyes again. That had been a bad idea. Super bad. Never again. No more eye closing. She was going to look at Poe. She was going to only think about Poe. About the ways he was making her feel. Poe was good at this. He made her feel good.

_Who are you trying to convince..?_

The change in sensations was acute. Almost felt like a loss. But she was _not_ going to admit that.

Poe had slipped one hand from her hip to her clit and was rubbing gentle circles on her. “You feel so close..” he murmured against her lips.

Force help her, she _was_ close. Just the thought of being used so roughly had turned her into a moist puddle of want.

He must be close too, his thrusts were getting a little jerkier. A little more needy.

“Gonna come for me, Rey..?” he murmured against her ear.

It was far too close to what _he_ had said.

“ _Say my name Rey. Same my name, and I'll let you come..”_

That didn't feel like a memory from her dream. It felt like he was saying it again, in her ear. She could feel the hot puffs of air from his panting breaths.

_He thinks he can feel you. He thinks he knows how to make you scream. But you know it'll always be me. Go ahead and come for this imbecile. I won't be jealous. I know I can do it better, Rey.._

She did come. But it wasn't because _he_ said she could. Poe was just good at what he did. She didn't come because of _him._

She _didn't._

 


	5. The Silence Is Slowly Killing Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo plays with her mind. It's very satisfying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. a little character development? Mostly smut.. I can't get away from the smut. God, I love him so much ;_;
> 
> Also. OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has commented and kudos'd and bookmarked and loved me ;_; YOU LIKE ME! YOU REALLY LIKE ME! I can't tell you how it makes me feel to know that everyone is enjoying this as much as I am.

_You hold me without touch_

_Keep me without chains_

 

He was taking things too far. He knew it. Much farther than he had originally intended.

It had been fun, to begin with. To tease her. To sate himself with her. It had really just been about control, at first. She had taken his control on Starkiller, and he was going to make her pay for that. And this bond they shared had seemed like the best way to take his vengeance. But it was very quickly starting to spiral out of his hands.

He was letting himself become obsessed with the girl. She was there at the fore of his waking thoughts. It was worse when he slept. He would wake with her scent still in his nose. It was like an itch he couldn't reach. And it was slowly killing something inside of him to be this far from her. To taste her in his mind but not in reality.

He vaguely wondered sometimes if she felt even a little bit of the pain he did. He doubted it. People didn't feel that way about him. He was always the one that was forced to carry the burden of feelings.

He had never wanted anything in his whole life like he wanted the girl. He'd wanted things before, everyone wants things. But he generally just took the things he wanted. Then, usually, lost interest with them so quickly it was frightening. But her. Not her. He wanted her. And he couldn't have her. And it was driving him insane.

A corner of his mind was constantly occupied with thoughts of how to force her to be his. How to bring her to him. Devising plans of how to take her from Luke, force her to see the true way, the Dark Side. It wouldn't work, he knew that. But he couldn't stop thinking about it. If only he could get hold of her, have her in his reach, he knew that he could make her see.

And seeing her, night after night, in the arms of that pilot. _Knowing_ he wasn't good enough for her. It was making it worse. And the bond was getting stronger, ever since he started dreaming of her. _With_ her. He couldn't tune it out anymore. Not like he really ever made any kind of effort to make it go away before. But now. Now, it was too much. He knew what her body craved. And he knew how to make her scream. And that incompetent _idiot_ couldn't even tell he was only giving her half-pleasures! What kind of sorry lover couldn't see when his partner is only partially aroused..?

The thought of that man _touching her_ made him grit his teeth. He'd filled out more expense and repair reports recently than he had in the years before he'd ever met the damned scavenger.

She was _his._ He just had to make her see it.

They were at it again. He could feel her vague dissatisfaction all the way across the galaxy. That man must have a really high opinion of himself to not be cognizant of it.

He couldn't take it one moment longer. He couldn't hold himself back from proving to her that she was wrong. That _he_ was wrong for her. That Kylo Ren was the only man she would ever need.

He sank into their connection effortlessly. It was so easy to be a part of her world. Rather then start to see the world through her eyes, he pushed himself into her mind, taking in the feelings and motions around her. He had to take a moment to push past the initial pleasure in order to take stock of the situation. They were already well under way. It shouldn't be too hard to take control of her. Her eyes were closed, and that just made his plan even easier.

In her mind, he constructed the scene that she was in with one small change. Well, not small. He was a rather large man. In more than one way.

He sank into her pliant flesh. She wasn't nearly as wet as she was in their dreams. He let himself feel smugly superior at the thought. He felt her gasp and tilt her hips. The smug grin on his face only widened. He knew her body better than anyone else, even if she wouldn't admit it. Her legs came around him tighter and he doubled his efforts.

The man flopping around on top of her was sucking a small mark against her neck. Possessiveness spiked in him. He took over the feeling from her with a growl. If she was going to be marked, it was going to be by _him_. He replaced the feeling of the pilot's lips with his teeth. He bit the sweet skin of her throat and sucked. He felt her tighten around his cock and he chuckled against her neck.

He felt her stiffen and he knew the jig was up. But he was too far imbedded into this fantasy to give anything up just yet. And he'd be damned if he was going to let her push him out.

He felt her trying to convince herself that he wasn't what she wanted. It was cute, watching her confusion and desperation. He chuckled against the crook of her neck and shoulder as he continued sinking into her with abandon.

“ _It's okay to admit you'd rather have me between your thighs, Rey..”_ he thought at her, pressing his lips against the hallow of her throat.

_Now is seriously not the time. Please go away._

That didn't sound convincing at all. He just smiled against her skin. She had no idea the hold they had over each other. They were too far gone down this road to stop now.

He gave her a good hard pound. She wasn't going to get away from him now. Her hips snapping back against his was a thing of beauty. And that idiot pilot seriously thought it was something that _he_ had done to make her respond so well. He just shook his head and continued his assault on her sweet, wet, tight cunt.

When she closed her eyes again, he brought forth his version of reality to her mind's eye. He pulled one of her thighs from around his waist and pushed it higher in the air, placing her ankle on his shoulder. It was sweet torture, for both of them. He groaned softly as her softness changed, stretching more to accommodate him. He sank in deeper, letting his thrusts become more erratic. He was starting to lose control of himself.

She moaned and writhed under him. It was just how he wanted her. He just had to convince her that it was right.

“ _This is what you want.”_ He murmured in her mind. He thrust in her harshly, unforgivingly. The sound of their skin slamming together, the moist sound of her sweet heat, were driving him wild.

“ _This is how you want it.”_ He growled between clenched teeth as he rammed into her again. Over and over. He let his free hand find and caress her soft throat where he had bitten her, gently rubbing his thumb in circles around the bite he hoped was there outside of their minds. “ _You can't lie to me here. You want it bad, and you know I know how to give it to you..”_

She pushed him back from the forefront of her mind quickly and tried desperately to think about the partner in the room with her. But she was fighting a losing battle and she knew it.

He could feel how close she was. His cock, his thrusts, his words were what really turned her on. She was still in denial, but he would make her see.

He felt her remember their last dream. He leaned closer to her, breathing hotly into her ear. “ _Say my name..”_ He grinned at the thought of her coming with his name on her lips while she was with her idiot. She was still too stubborn for that to happen. Yet. But he knew it would, he just had to be vigilant.

His cock felt like it was going to burst. He could feel his own satisfaction building deep in his abdomen.

“ _He thinks he can feel you.”_ he growled into her ear, biting her earlobe softly. _“He thinks he knows how to make you scream. But you know it'll always be me. Go ahead and come for this imbecile. I won't be jealous. I know I can do it better, Rey..”_ he purred against the softness of her neck.

He felt her shatter around him and he grinned. She was his. It didn't matter who else she gave herself to, she would always belong to only him. Her clenching, spasming cunt milked his own release from him quickly, and he slowly let himself drift from her mind, returning to himself with a very satisfied moan. His pants were a sticky mess. But it had been worth it. He grinned. He was closer to his goal. He knew it.

 


	6. A Triangle Trying to Squeeze Through a Circle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey tries to fit into life in the Resistance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Wow. This chapter is a damned monster. 3500+ words. The most I've ever written in one sitting. I didn't feel like there was a good break here, though. I wanted to get all of this arc out. Not nearly as much sexytimes in this one either. And also, OMG I have NO idea where this kink mid-fic came from. I was NOT intending Reylo to be like that! lol The plot thickens!
> 
> Lemme know what you think! I love comments. And, honestly, sometimes the things you all say gives me better ideas than what I thought I would do!

_So that I can remember to never go that far_

_Can you leave me with a scar?_

As she lays in the comfort of Poe's arms, she banishes all other thoughts from her mind. She sighs softly and snuggles into his shoulder, his arm wrapping tightly around her waist. This is where she's supposed to be. She wasn't going to let anyone else try to sway her from her intended path.

“Why don't you move in..?” Poe sleepily mumbles into her hair.

She stiffens, her eyes going wide. “Um... what..?”

“Move in with me. Yeah. It's a great idea.” he sounds like he's enjoying the idea more and more as he thinks of it.

She, however, is confused. “Why..?”

He pauses for a moment, pulling back from her to look in her face. His is confused, his brows drawing together. “Because.. you're my girlfriend? And I like spending time with you..? You spend most nights over here anyway. It'll be great.” He gives her a reassuring smile.

She gives him a blank look. Girlfriend? When had that happened..?

It wasn't that she was opposed to the idea. He was the only person she was sleeping with. In real, everyday life, anyway. And he wasn't seeing anyone else either. They were de facto exclusive, then. She hasn't put much thought into that before. She likes Poe. Obviously. They wouldn't be naked in his bed with his fluids leaking out of her obscenely if she didn't like him. They were good together. He was sweet, and happy, and nice. She just has never put the name 'boyfriend' to him before, either in her head or out loud.

“You're taking an awfully long time to say yes, Rey..” he sounds like he's getting a little worried. His arms tighten around her a bit.

“No, I mean, you know, yeah. Sure. Okay. Yeah. I just.. You know, I'm used to being on my own is all. It never crossed my mind to live with someone else before.” She gives him a nervous giggle. She hopes he can't tell she's rambling.

He gives her that million watt smile and leans in to kiss her. “Great! We can start bringing your things over this weekend.”

He sighs and snuggles back into her, falling asleep quickly.

It takes Rey a lot longer to slow her mind down enough to sleep, and even then it's fitful.

-

The dreams are getting worse. They're happening more often. And they seem to take a darker tone.

_He's holding her down on the bed roughly. She's on her knees. Her shoulders and face are pressed to the bed. Her arms are held high above her, painfully tight, chained to the wall at the head of the bed. It causes her back to arch unnaturally low._

“You're mine, Rey!” _There's a hard smack to her backside and she cries out. His hand leaves a bright pink mark on her skin. He rubs it gently, softening the blow._ “You don't get to belong to someone else!” _Another smack, this one on the opposite side. She moans and squirms her hips against him._

“Who do you belong to, Rey..??” _Another smack. She moans again, but shakes her head. Her face is red, her breath is panting, and her wild hair is sticking to the side of her face that isn't pushed into the bed. She won't give in to him._

“Why do you insist on fighting this..?” _he murmurs softly. He leans into her, kissing the small of her back reverently._ “Just say it, Rey. Say my name.” _He slips his hand between their bodies, pressing two of his fingers deeply, easily into her opening. She's absolutely soaked for him. Just like she always is. She knows she should feel ashamed, but all she can feel in these dreams is the desire to be dominated. She's not sure if they're actually her feelings, or his bleeding over onto her._

_She moans louder and bucks against him._ “Tell me who makes you so wet, Rey. No one can make you feel like I do.” _She's still refusing, and he groans and lets his forehead fall to her shoulder blades._

“I could make you feel so good, Rey..” _he murmurs. He gentles his touch. The chains above her disappear, and she leans on her elbows on the bed, her forehead pressed into the mattress._ “That's all I want.. I just want to make you feel good..” _His agile fingers are sliding in and out of her slowly, curling against that spot inside of her that drives her insane. She moans into the sheets and writhes against his hand, pressing his fingers in deeper._ “I know it's what you want.. I can feel how hot you are for me..” _he growls softly._ “Just give in.. Tell me you want it. Say my name.”

“I can't!” _she chokes out. It's the first time she's ever replied to his words with anything other than moans and sounds._ “Force, I can't.. Please, I can't..!” _She's so close to coming. Her channel clenches around his fingers, wanting more than they can give her._

She wakes abruptly, almost falling off the bed. Her eyes are wide and searching, and she can't seem to catch her breath.

“Rey..? I think you were having a nightmare, are you okay..?” Poe is frowning down at her with concern. She swallows and nods jerkily. He must have been what woke her up. He's kneeling next to the spot she had been sleeping in, his hand still in the air towards her.

“Stars, Rey. You scared the kark out of me. You were screaming and crying.. It woke me up..” He shook his head. It obviously bothered him to think of her in some kind of painful dream.

Too bad the dream wasn't a painful one. At least, not in the way that he's thinking, anyway. It was painful, to be on that edge, for _him_ to keep her in an almost-orgasm pitch for what felt like hours. She had come _so close_ to giving in to him at the end.

It was probably a really good thing that Poe had woke her up.

She shakes her head. Her face feels like it's bright red. She's very glad it's still dark outside, she doesn't want him to see how she looks. She hadn't thought about the dreams at all when she had agreed to move in with Poe. She was really starting to regret that decision.

She shifts back closer to him and he snuggles her close. He presses soft kisses against her forehead and temple. “It's alright, sweetheart. I'm here with you..” he mumbles against her hair.

She contemplates taking out her unsated lust from the dream with Poe. And immediately feels like the worst kind of person in the world. That isn't fair. And she isn't going to do that to him. Poe deserves better than to be treated like a consolation prize.

-

“Come on, it'll be fun!” He's smiling wide at her, that infectious, charming smile of his.

She sighs. “I don't want to go to a party, Poe. You know I don't like that kind of stuff..”

“What..? You don't like drinking? Or music? Or laughing at jokes? You know that's not true.”

She's getting exasperated. “It's.. all the people. I don't like all the people. I can feel them thinking, and I hate it.”

“Maybe it's a good way to practice blocking it all out..?”

She shakes her head. “I can't both enjoy a party _and_ practice keeping people out of my head. It doesn't really work that way, Poe..”

“Everyone is going. And everyone is expecting you to go, too.”

She's not been sleeping well. Not since that last dream. She's been laying in bed next to Poe, but she's been meditating. Hoping desperately that it will give her the same kind of rest. But it's not working. And it's making her cranky.

“Look, I just don't want to go, okay? You can go. It's fine. Enjoy it!”

He pouts a bit. “I don't want to go without you. It wouldn't be as much fun.”

She rolls her eyes. “You only want me there so you can walk around with me on your arm like some kind of trophy!” she snaps.

He gives her a look like she's slapped him. “Force, Rey. You know that's not true!”

She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at him. “Sometimes, I think it is.”

“How can you think like that? Rey, I told you I _loved_!”

She throws her hands up in the air. “I had my head in your crotch at the time! I didn't think you meant it!”

He flinches from her a bit. “Why would I say something like that if I didn't mean it..?”

“I don't know! Guys say stupid things they don't mean all the time when girls do that.”

He sends her his own glare, and it looks so out of place on his amiable face. “How many other guys' dicks have you sucked? Do they _all_ tell you they love you??”

She reels back. “I didn't.. You know I haven't.. You were the _first_..” She turns bright red and almost curls in on herself.

He steps towards her, reaching for her, but she wrenches herself back a step. “C'mon, Rey, you know I didn't mean it like that.. I just meant..” he groans and rifles his hands through his hair. “I'm just saying that you don't really have a good knowledge base to pull from about stuff like this..!”

His words aren't comforting her, and she shakes her head. She turns from him a bit and sits on the bed. “Just.. Go to the party. I think I need to be alone for a bit..” she mumbles.

He gives her a very frustrated huff. He yanks on his jacket and stomps out the door.

-

She goes to work in the maintenance hangar early the next morning. She won't admit it, but she's avoiding him.

He finds her there, anyway. She doesn't know why she bothers trying.

He smiles down at her and puts his hand on her shoulder. “We should probably talk. About last night.”

She nods at him and takes him over to a pair of folding chairs in the corner.

They sit and he takes both of her hands. He gives her the softest, most understanding smile she's ever seen. His kindness is going to kill her. “It's too much, isn't it..? Too many emotions. Too soon.”

She nods at him, her eyes burning. She doesn't think she could get any words out. Her tongue feels thick in her mouth.

“It's okay. Really. I get it.” he smiles at her, almost bashfully. “You were alone a long time. You only had yourself to rely on. To trust. I shouldn't expect you to just accept me so quickly.”

She bites her lip. A tear spills out. He reaches up and swipes it away with the pad of his thumb.

“I care about you, Rey. A lot. I love you. But I can see you're not ready for it. So, can we just be friends again? It doesn't have to be forever. I'll always be here for you. But I'm not sure you can handle having me the way I want.” He chuckles to himself and shakes his head.

“I.. Yeah.. I think that's for the best. For now, at least.” Her voice is thick with emotion. She likes Poe, too. But she's not sure that she loves him. It isn't fair to him, to give him expectations. She doesn't think she'll ever be the girl that he wants her to be.

He smiles again, a little sadly. “Alright. Yeah. Great. Just like old times..”

He stands, leans in to plant a soft kiss on the crown of her head, and walks back to whatever it was he was doing before. She heaves a heavy sigh and throws her spanner across the hangar with a scowl. Why did he have to be so nice all the time?

The man in the back of her mind radiated a smugness that she was sure he didn't deserve to feel.

-

Her next foray into romance was a little surprising.

She met Pamich at one of General Organa's many meetings. Rey was standing in the back, trying to stay away from the crowd. She really wasn't lying about hating being in crowds. She had tried to slip from the room once, but Leia sent her a scathing look, so she stayed put, crossing her arms over her chest and just trying to ignore everyone.

The other woman was in the back too. Though, she looked to be taking notes or something. Actually doing what she was supposed to in a meeting. She recognized the woman, she was sure. But her name seems to escape Rey.

Though, when Rey snooped over the woman's shoulder, she smiled despite herself. The woman was playing some sort of game on the panel in front of her. She stepped closer to her, trying to tell what it was. It was much more interesting than the TPS reports someone was going through verbally. Like people couldn't read them or something.

The woman looked back at her and gave her a playful frown. “You caught me.”

Her skin was ebony, like Finn's. And she had curly hair that seemed to defy gravity, a little pouf around her head. Rey's fingers itched to reach out and touch the pouf.

They became fast friends. Pamich Nerro was a lead dispatcher on D'Qar. She knows a lot about a lot of things. She seems to love teaching new things to Rey. She's smart as a whip, funny as hell, and sweet as candy. Being near her is almost like a drug for Rey. She's the first female friend Rey has ever had. Even if she is only the third friend she's ever had.

Rey spends most of her time with the woman. They have girly nights together, watching sappy holovids. Pamich seems to really like giving Rey “makeovers.” Rey isn't so sure she likes it as much, but she defers to the other woman. Pamich knows more about this kind of stuff than she does.

Their relationship changes over alcohol, as happens more often than not. They're drinking some kind of strong, heady wine and watching some stupid romantic holovid in Pamich's quarters. Rey's in a soft tank and sleeping shorts, and Pamich is in the leggings and sports bra she prefers to sleep in.

“Ugh, that is so unrealistic. I hate these 'vids sometimes..” Pamich slurs. She points at the screen with the hand holding her glass.

Rey blinks at the screen blurrily. It was a love scene. “What..?” She shakes her head in confusion.

“That! What they're doing.. It's wrong.” She gesticulates, spilling some of her wine and giggling as she tries to mop it up with her pillowcase.

Rey tilts her head. The couple was making love. It wasn't showing too much. It wasn't a XXX holovid or anything. They were just kind of holding hands and moaning against each other. “What.. Sex..? Isn't that how sex happens..?”

Pamich looks over at her. She blinks a couple of times. Then she busts into laughter. “Not the sex! The way it's happening. These types of 'vids give girls a terrible expectation that most men can't live up to!” Pamich blinks over at her. “You've had sex, right..? I mean.. I thought you and Poe were a thing. That guy's supposed to be an animal in bed!”

Rey blushes and nods. “Yeah, I've had sex. Poe and I've had sex plenty of times..” she mumbled behind her wine glass.

“Then you know what I'm talking about. You can't just kiss a girl a couple of times then slip her the D. And she's not just gonna come cause his dick is in her! Sex is more complicated than that. That's what makes me mad.”

Rey shakes her head, still confused. “I mean, there was more to it than this, yeah, but Poe and I didn't do anything complicated..”

Pamich snorted. “Poe is supposed to be good.. Did you enjoy it..?”

Rey nods shyly.

“Did he make you come? Often?”

Rey nods again, drawing her knees up to her chest.

“Did you come from his dick? Or his hands..?”

Rey swallows nervously. “Hands.” she says shakily. “And.. mouth.” She's bright red now, and not just from the alcohol.

“Well, that's what I'm saying. There has to be some kind of build up.” Pamich giggles and bites her lip. “I bet he was good at it. Do you miss it ever?”

Rey nods again. But she knew it was for the best that they had split up.

Pamich scoots closer to her on the bed. “Do you ever feel like trying to be with anyone else..?” Her face is flushed now, too, and Rey isn't sure if it's from the wine or not.

Rey shrugs. “I don't know.. Things just worked out better for us this way. I don't know how I'd feel with another guy. I don't really know anyone else..”And, her forced companion had become much less forceful since she had become single.

Pamich licked her lips, leaning in even closer. “What if it wasn't another _guy_..?” Rey could feel her breath puffing gently across her cheeks.

Rey shook her head. Not another guy..? What was she talking about? How could she try having sex with someone if she wasn't going to have sex with another guy..?

That was when Pamich closed the distance between them and kissed her. Her lips were soft. Softer than Poe's had been. And plush. She tasted like the sweet wine they had been drinking. And... it felt right. She hadn't thought that this would feel good with a woman. But it did.

They spent that night together. Learning each others bodies, what they each liked, what made them giggle and what made them sigh. It was so different than it had been with Poe. Not better, just different.

Afterwords, they held each other in the bed sleepily. “Who needs guys, anyway, right..?” Pamich asks her with a soft kiss.

The man in her mind was.. very confused by this change of events. Thankfully, he stayed mostly quiet.

-

Pamich was different than Poe in a lot of ways. She was fun, but she was much more stoic. And she wasn't nearly as into public affection as Poe had been. That was a bit of a relief for Rey, honestly.

And Pamich never asked her to move in together. Which Rey was ecstatic about.

Pamich was tidy. To a fault. When they were in her room, Rey almost felt afraid of messing her things up. Everything in Pamich's quarters had a purpose, and a place. And Rey _hated_ bringing Pamich back to the disaster that was her own barracks. Rey was still too much of a collector. She kept everything, and had no idea where to put anything.

Her inner voice seemed amused by this relationship. He wasn't nearly as threatened by it as he had been by Poe. Maybe it was because Pamich didn't have the same equipment, per se.

Regardless, Rey quite enjoyed her time with the beautiful young woman. She learned things about herself that she never knew. And she grew as a person.

So, when Pamich abruptly cut it off only two months after their affair began, Rey was surprised. And confused. And hurt. She hadn't felt hurt like this by Poe. She'd felt almost relieved. But this _hurt._

“I'm sorry, Rey. You know I like you. A lot.. I just.. I need something more. I.. I met someone else..”

Rey was fighting tears. She refused to cry in front of _anyone._ “I don't understand..”

Pamich shook her head. “You're fun. You're really great. I want to still be friends. But.. You're so distant, Rey. It's like you don't want me to be close. And I need something more real.”

Rey shook her head. She couldn't speak. She couldn't breath. This was so sudden to her!

Pamich gave her a smile, squeezed her shoulder softly, then left her barracks.

Rey cried herself dry that night. Cried until there weren't any more tears, til there wasn't a drop of moisture left in her. She felt like Jakku, dried up and used and no good for anything.

When she slipped into an exhausted sleep, she dreamed of him again. But it was so different.

_He's rocking her gently in his arms, slipping his fingers through her hair._ “Was it worth it? Do you see now..?” _he murmured._ “You don't belong here. With them. They'll never understand you.” _He tilts her face towards his, looking into her eyes._ “You belong with me, Rey. You're mine. I want to hear you say it..”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listen to a lot of music when I write. I don't consider it like a songfic or anything, but music does inspire me a lot. Some of the songs that have inspired me so far:  
> Sugar We're Going Down Swinging - Fall Out Boy  
> Come On Closer - Jem  
> Infatuation - Maroon 5  
> Thinking of You - Katy Perry  
> Gravity - Sara Bareilles  
> Scar - Missy Higgins  
> Wildest Dreams - Taylor Swift (I think this is one EVERY Reylo fan listens to)  
> Come Round Soon - Sara Bareilles  
> Stitches - Shawn Mendes  
> Ten Days - Missy Higgins  
> The Light - Sara Bareilles
> 
> What kind of stuff do ya'll listen to that inspires your inner Reylo freak?


	7. Heaven Can't Help Me Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things come to a head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters today! Maybe another one in the morning. I'm really starting to feel out this story. It's kind of exciting.
> 
> You may have noticed that I've updated the tags. Things have gotten a little unhinged with our two poor protags. Or protag and antag? I'm not even sure anymore. I want to make it clear that I, in no way, condone this sort of relationship. It is unhealthy. It isn't right. It's manipulative. My poor cinnamon roll deserves better than this. But I am sadistic and I must torture what I love.

She was with a woman. It was.. strange.

Lips. Sighs. Fingers. Kisses. Moans. Skin. Nipples. Softness.

It almost felt sinful to try to interrupt. So he didn't. He just sat back and observed.

Ostensibly, he knew that women sometimes sought comfort in each other in this way. He'd never imagined it before. Assumed it would have nothing to do with him, thus he would find no pleasure in it.

He was wrong.

It was probably the most erotic thing he could ever imagine. His beautiful scavenger wrapped around the darker skinned woman was a thing of beauty. He never would have thought of this on his own. He's even more thankful for their bond than he had been before.

He was aroused. But, for once, he wasn't angry with her. He didn't feel threatened at all by this. He didn't really understand it himself. He just knew that it wasn't going to change anything. She was his and always would be, and a fling with this other girl wasn't going to stop that.

He let her play her little love games. It amused him that she thought she could run away from what they had. If the pilot couldn't tear them apart, how could she think anything like this could..?

It, however, went on a lot longer than he thought it would. He frowned at the thought. She was in denial about their relationship. It was starting to grate on his nerves. He needed her to stop pretending that she was happy. It wasn't going to last. It wasn't going to end any better than her last rebellion.

She was blocking him somehow. Or ignoring him. He hated being ignored. It brought back old fears that he refused to admit he still had. Those were the fears of a boy who was dead. He was Kylo Ren. He was the fear. He wasn't afraid of anything. And nobody ignored him.

If her fake life didn't end soon, he couldn't be responsible for the consequences.

He had to try something else. He had to change tactics. Because what he was doing wasn't working. And he couldn't stand not attaining his goal in this. He couldn't live without her anymore.

He started to become more subtle with his influence. Rather than speaking to her, he sent her vague feelings. He had to separate her from those people. They didn't deserve to be around her anyway. She'd turn to him when she saw that.

_These people don't have your best interest at heart._

_They're all staring at you. They don't trust you. They know what you're capable of and it scares them._

_They don't want you around. You're better off alone. You've always been better off alone._

She slowly started to emotionally distance herself from the people around her. She spent more time in her own barracks, alone. He hated to see her sullen. He wanted to make her smile. But her smile belonged to _him_. It was better this way. She'd see that. Getting her into his arms was what mattered. She'd understand. He swallowed a sudden feeling of regret. Regret wasn't something Kylo Ren felt. Regret had no place in the dark.

He did this for them. She _would_ understand. She had to go through the pain in order to enjoy the pleasure.

Her lover left her, shattered and broken. And he knew that it was the moment he'd been waiting for. He meditated while he waited for her to fall asleep. He'd give her exactly what she needed. He'd show her what she could be with him. Her life would be complete when she left her childish fantasies behind and joined his side where she belonged.

When she finally succumbed to sleep, he simply held her in his arms. No more torture. No more pain. She needed to see that he was the only one she could trust.

He ran his fingers into her hair. _Was it worth it..?_ He shook his head slightly and sighed. _Do you see now..? You don't belong here. With them. They'll never understand you._ He tipped her face towards his, his thumb and forefinger on her small, wobbling chin. _You belong to me, Rey. You're mine. I want to hear you say it.._

She gasped softly, looking between his eyes rapidly. He was breaking her down. He could feel it. _It doesn't have to be that way for you anymore. You're not just mine, Rey. I'm_ yours. _Can't you see?_

He waited for what felt like years for her response. She would respond. She was his, he could feel it, in this moment she was going to give in. Finally.

***

_She looked at him. Really looked at him for once. Normally, in her dreams, his face was averted from her. He was behind her, under her. Never in front of her. For once, he wasn't hiding himself from her._

_Maybe he was right. She didn't belong here. They didn't like her here. They thought she was dangerous. No one trusted her. It was like it always was for her. People didn't stay. It wasn't just her family. It was everyone. It was_ her. _There was something wrong with her. She made people leave her. She made people not be able to love her. Her eyes filled with tears and she tried to duck her face away from his gaze._

“Don't do that. Stop. Look at me.” _His face was stern and his fingers wouldn't let her chin go._ “These people don't deserve you. I'm the one who understands. I'm the only one who will never leave you.”

_And with that, he leaned closer and took her lips. They'd never kissed before, not in her dreams and certainly not in real life. It was surprising to say the least. She expected it to be wild and angry, like their sex. But it was so heartbreakingly gentle. And she was lost._

_She knew it was wrong. But she couldn't hold herself back anymore. She reached for his face and returned his kisses, tentatively at first. His lips became more insistent then, but not harsh. It felt so good to be in his arms. She was broken, and she craved him._

_His lips traveled from her lips to the soft spot on her neck under her ear._ “I have to hear you say it, Rey. You have to say you're mine..” _His voice was such a deep growl, it reverberated through her whole being._

“ _I am. Stars, help me. I'm yours.”_

_His satisfied groan should have made her angry. But she was past thinking. He clutched her tighter to his body and turned her in his arms so she was facing him, straddling him. His hands on her hips pressed her closer to his growing hardness._

_And suddenly, there was nothing between them. Their layers of clothing gone in an instant, as is the way with dreams. His length pressed insistently against between her thighs, twitching and throbbing. He ran one hand up the small of her back, arching her so he could lean in and take a pink nipple between his lips. He slipped his other hand down, grasping her bottom tightly. It was everything her previous dreams had denied her. Nothing but pleasure._

_She moaned and pushed her fingers into his hair, holding his head to her chest. His hair was so soft and she curled her fingers into the strands even tighter. She wanted him, needed him so badly, and she couldn't deny it anymore. He drifted from one breast to the other, lavishing it with the same attention. Her hips rocked against his as the want grew, and his hand slipped down from her ass to slide between her wet folds. She gasped and arched against him, glorying in the feeling of his long fingers pressing against her wetness._

_Her breath left her raggedly. She had felt so empty for so long. He was the only thing that could fill her._

_And his fingers filled her so well. It wasn't enough, but it was so much better than empty. She leaned her head back and moaned as she tilted her hips towards his thrusting fingers._

“That's it, Rey.” _he mumbled against her breast. He pressed his forehead against her sternum. His breaths were coming out shakily. He seemed to be losing just as much control as she was._ “You feel so tight.. So wet..”

_He'd touched her before in these dreams. He seemed to revel in touching her. But it was so different now. He wasn't trying to force anything from her. He was just enjoying her body. And letting her enjoy his in return. It was like it was their first time._

_She shook her head and pressed her face into his hair. It felt so good, being with him like this._

_He pulled his fingers from her slit and she cried out from the loss. Before she could complain, though, he pressed her down onto the bed beneath them and replaces his fingers with his mouth. That was_ infinitely _better. She arched her back and clung to the sheets with a gasp. He'd told her before that he wanted to taste her this way, but he'd never done it. Their previous interactions had been about punishing her for pushing him away, never about her pleasure. His tongue on her was probably the best feeling in the entire galaxy. She almost choked on her own tongue when he sucked on her clit. He pressed his fingers into her, slipping them against her warm walls, and she was lost. She came for him with a shout, clutching her thighs tightly around his face as she ground herself against his mouth._

_He wiped his face on the sheet below them, cleaning himself of her excessive wetness, before climbing up her body and taking her mouth hotly. She could taste herself on him, and it was erotic and shameless and she loved it. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close, winding her legs around his hips._

_He reached between their bodies and lined himself to her, rubbing the head of his cock against her teasingly. She arched against him and moaned. She needed him so badly. He kissed her, roughly, and pressed himself into her, taking her with one quick thrust._

_He wasn't slow and gentle like Poe. And he wasn't playful and sweet like Pamich. He was strong and possessive, his thrusts rocking her back against the bed, pushing her higher towards the headboard. It was exactly what she needed. She cried out and writhed under him, clutching him, pressing her heels into his backside and her nails into his biceps._

“So good, Rey.. Force, you're so good..” _he was rambling, no longer in control of himself._ “I've waited so long..”

_She couldn't find her voice to respond to any of it. He kept up the litany, how much he wanted her. How he needed her. How she was so perfect. Nothing could compare to the way she felt. He wanted to make her feel so good. He wanted to make her scream his name._

_She took it all. She took him all. Eventually, he stopped his words and put his lips to better work against her own. They kissed hungrily as he absolutely ravaged her. She was going to be sore later, she knew. But this was worth it. He was pushing her towards another climax, and_ Force _, she was so close. She clenched around him desperately._

“Say my name.. Please, Rey.. Say it. I want to hear my name on your lips when you come..” _His face was buried in her neck, and she could feel him shaking. He was close. But he wanted her to go first._

_His hips scrapped against hers in just the right motion, and it threw her off the edge, sending her into the most fulfilling orgasm she'd ever experience. She called out his name._

_He came with her with a shout, and before she could come down from her high, the dream abruptly ended._

***

His eyes snapped open wide. His pants were uncomfortably sticky but he ignored it. He pushed himself to his feet and called his lightsaber to his hand, igniting it. His room was demolished in seconds.

_She'd called him Ben._

 


	8. The Place That Feels The Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry sorry sorry this took me so long to put up today. I work nights, so middle of the night to early morning is when I get to put effort into this. And this chapter was an absolute monster for me, a real rollercoaster. It's another huge one, almost 3600 words, so REALLY sorry it's long. But I didn't want to leave it on a cliff, and I REALLY wanted to get this all out, part of the reason it took me so long. Updated the tags for it, it gets pretty rough..

_Fucking in, Fighting on_

_It's our paradise and it's our warzone_

She gasps and curls into herself on the bed. She isn't crying, she has no more tears to give. But she shudders with the sobs that she keeps inside.

She mentally brushes against the bond, tentatively, trying to seek him out. Maybe it had been some kind of mistake.

But his walls are firmly held in place. She feels a distinctly dark emotion radiating from his side.

He got what he wanted. And then he left.

Just like everyone.

He lied. He used her. And she _let_ him.

That was the worst of it. Kriffing Jedi prodigy, and she willingly buys his lies. She knew better than to trust him. He was a murderer. He was a monster. And she let him have exactly what he wanted from her.

She stays in her bed, in her room for days. She's lost count of how many. She hasn't had to keep count of anything since Jakku. But knowing the days won't make this hurt go away.

She isn't sleeping. And she isn't eating. But she can't bring herself to care. There are emergency rations that she had stored in her room when she first got to the base. If she feels hungry enough, she can scrounge one out and eat it. But she can't seem to find the energy to care.

Finally, one morning – or afternoon, maybe night, she really can't tell – Finn wakes her by banging on the door.

“Rey.. Are you alright? We haven't seen you around base for _days_!” He sounds worried. But she doesn't want him to see her like this.

“Go away.” She mumbles from under the blankets.

“C'mon, Rey.. This isn't going to make anything better.” She hears him sigh. “I'm sorry about Pamich.. I know you really liked her..”

Rey rolls her eyes and slams her pillow over her head. That dolt thinks this is about _Pamich._ She hadn't even thought of the women once after she had awaken from her last force dream.

“I'm fine.. Please leave me alone..” she begs. She doesn't want to see Finn. She doesn't want to see _anyone_. They were all so happy and free and making good decisions about themselves. She _hated_ them.

“Rey..” he sounds exasperated now. “I don't think this is healthy. You have to get out and move on!”

“I really don't want to hear it, Finn!” She throws her pillow at the door. It was pretty anticlimactic though, as it didn't make any kind of discernible sound.

She pulls the blanket back over her head and tries to ignore him. The door was locked, so it wasn't like he could come in. He could talk to himself out there all he wanted. She wasn't listening.

He eventually takes the hint and shoves off with an audible huff. She turns back over and falls back into her dark, empty dreams.

She shouldn't have been so cocky about her lock. The next time Finn comes back – she's not sure how long it takes him – he brings Poe with him. And Poe knows her combo.

He pulls the blanket off her head and shakes her shoulder. “Rey, come on. You have to get up.”

She whimpers and curls into a tighter ball on the bed. She doesn't want to get up. She just wants to lay here and die.

“Force, Rey. You look like hell.” she hears him sigh.

“Thanks. That makes everything better.” she grouses into the mattress.

He pulls her out of bed and into his arms. He frowns. “Rey, when was the last time you ate? Or showered, for that matter?”

“Dunno.” she tries to bury her face in his armpit. “Not sure what day it is..”

“Oh, Rey..” he just shakes his head. He gestures at Finn with his chin, and Finn heads out of the room.

Poe takes her into her 'fresher and deposits her into the shower. He undresses her, then himself, not getting any kind of fight out of her. She's too exhausted to fight, mentally and physically. He steps into the shower with her and starts to wash her. She feels like a child, but she can't muster up the emotion to care, to push him away, to do anything for herself just then. He washes her hair gently and she just leans into his chest to keep herself standing.

“You didn't seem this bad after our breakup..” he says softly. He sounds a little hurt by the idea.

She just shakes her head and wraps her arms around him, pressing her cheek into his shoulder. “You wouldn't understand..” she murmurs almost to herself.

He frowns at her and shifts his shoulder, forcing her to look up at him. “I would if you'd trust me enough to tell me.”

She just shakes her head and closes her eyes so she doesn't have to look at him.

He sighs and gives her a tight squeeze. “It's not fair, cutting everyone out like this..” His voice is soft, caring. “There are a lot of people worried about you. It's not very nice to make people worry about you..”

She shakes her head. “Nobody cares..”

He takes her chin in his hand and glares. It's the glare she remembers from their last fight. “I care. Finn cares. Pamich is kind of an ass, but she cares too. Leia cares. Chewy cares. Luke cares. Everyone here cares about you. What has gotten into you lately?”

She shakes her head. “Everyone leaves me.. I'm not worth holding on to, worth staying around for.” Fat tear drops leak from her eyes, mixing in with the spray from the shower.

Poe sighs and holds her tighter. “This sounds like an awful lot more than just being about Pamich..”

She nods. But she doesn't say anything. There's no point. He wouldn't understand. He'd judge her. He'd hate her if she told him what she'd done with _Kylo Ren._

She feels his presence like she summoned him just by the thought. Thankfully, he doesn't whisper any of his venomous words to her. She couldn't deal with that right now. She didn't have the mental fortitude to fight him. And he definitely seems angry and ready for a fight.

Poe finishes bathing her and leads her out of the shower. He dries her off with a towel gently. She's not in the mood for talking and he seems to sense it, leaving her to her own thoughts for now. He pulls a fluffy robe around her and drags her back out into her living space. Finn has returned, and he's brought food with him, plus a piping hot cup of caf. She takes the drink from him, but only manages to pick at the food. She's not hungry.

“C'mon Rey, you gotta eat something. You're getting Jakku-skinny again..” Finn's voice is worried, and he's frowning. She forces down a few bites, but everything tastes like ash in her mouth.

She must have done something right, eaten enough to convince them, said the right words, because she was able to cajole them into leaving. She gives them a wane smile that she's sure they could see right through, but they eventually leave her alone. She curls back up onto the bed, hugging the pillow.

_It didn't take long for you to fall back into_ his _arms._

His voice feels like acid in her brain. _“Whatever.”_ She doesn't care enough to fight just then.

His anger is simmering on the edges of her mind now. _“I don't see what you have to be angry about. You got what you wanted. Come to gloat?”_ She's in a sniping mood. She just wants to hurt him for the way he's made her feel so bottomed out.

She hears him snort derisively, but he doesn't say anything.

“ _Go away, Kylo. I really don't have the energy for you..”_

_Oh, Kylo is it, now?_ His voice is positively scathing in her mind.

“ _It's your name? Would you prefer I called you B—”_

He cuts her off sharply. _Don't you_ dare _say that name to me again!_

She blinks in confusion. Again? When had she called him that before..?

_Don't act innocent._ He's growling in her mind.

She shakes her head. _“Please go away. Don't you think you've shamed me enough..?”_

_Shame?? I will show you_ shame _, scavenger.._

He must have used some kind of mind trick on her. She looks up and she's suddenly in that kriffing interrogation room she had been when they'd first met. She struggles against the restraints, wide eyed and suddenly terrified. “What have you done?? Let me go!” She _finally_ has the energy to fight against something.

He is there, in front of her suddenly, in her personal space. He's wearing that bloody mask again. And the full Knights of Ren regalia. He grabs her jaw in his hand tightly, holding her face still as he leans in to her. “Did you think I was just going to let you get away with it? No one treats Kylo Ren this way!”

She tries to jerk her chin from his hand, but his hold is too strong. Her eyes fill, but she refuses to cry in front of him. “I don't know what you're talking about. Don't you think you've _tortured_ me enough yet??”

“Are you going to deny it, scavenger? Claim not to _remember_? I don't believe you.” he hisses at her through his modulator. “It was too calculated a blow. You're a coldhearted bitch, and when you finished with me, you went straight back to your lousy _pilot_!”

She flinches from him and renews her struggles against the restraints. “You're obviously unhinged, Kylo! Did I say something to hurt your feelings? Forgive me if I don't remember all of the things I moan in bed!” She tries to throw any and everything she could think of at him to make him hurt. The piece of kark seemed to bring out the worst in her.

He presses his helmet closer to her face. His modulated voice is slow and even and deep, and it makes her tremble with a slight fear. “I will make you pay for saying that name to me. I will make you pay _dearly_.”

She narrows her eyes at him. “What more could you possibly to do me that you haven't already. You've taken everything from me, including my dignity.”

“Dignity! I come to you in your darkest moment.. I hold you and care for you like _no one else has_. I give you tenderness and _mercy!_ And you pay me back by coming with someone else's name on your lips! And you want to talk to me about _dignity!_ ” His hand moves from a painful hold on her jaw to a painful hold on her neck.

She shakes her head in confusion. It doesn't make any sense. That's not the way she remembers it happening at all. She thinks back to the dream so many days ago. Their bodies pressed together, his heat engulfing her, his cock pressed so deep inside..

He growls and squeezes her throat. “Don't you dare. Don't you _think_ about it! I will not believe your lies! You will not win me over with your... pelvic sorcery!” She can hear his breaths panting through his mask. She wishes she could see his face, to know what he was thinking better.

“Take off the mask..” she gasps, trying to wriggle away from his hand.

He laughs and shakes his head. “You'd like that, wouldn't you. What do you think it will accomplish, scavenger? It's not going to change what's going to happen.”

She shakes her head. “Take it off.. You don't need it to scare or disgust me. You do that already just by being yourself.” she bites out at him.

He stands still for several beats. She thinks he's going to ignore her and torture her in whatever way his wicked mind has devised. But he eventually lets go of her neck and reaches up with both hands to remove the mask. He drops his arms to his side unceremonious and lets the mask fall from his fingers. His eyes have an almost crazed look to them. He tilts his head to the side, examining her. “Do you see what you were hoping for, scavenger..?” His voice was quiet, but the malice was still thick.

“Somehow, you found my weakness, and you lured me in. And I will make you pay for every second of time I wasted on thoughts of you.” He raises his hand in the air, calling the force to his will. “You will beg for my mercy. But there will be none to give.”

Then, she feels it. Low in her abdomen. Curls of want, in sharp contrast to the fear she _should_ be feeling right now. Fear she _is_ feeling. But it's being overtaken. She shakes her head and stares at him, wide eyed. “What are you doing..?” She gasps at a particularly strong sensation and tries to curl into herself on the slab. She doesn't have a wide enough range of motion to move that far.

He grins at her devilishly. “I'm taking what I want. I warned you that I could..” His fingers curl in the air and she lets out a strangled gasp. It felt like he was _inside_ of her.

“How many times to do I have to..” her breath hitches and she slams back against the metal of the slab. “Do I have to tell you that I _don't know what you're talking about??”_ She bites her lip, trying not to moan, and glares daggers at him.

“You're words mean nothing, scavenger.”

Her hips are undulating of their own accord and she presses her hot check against the metal. Her greatest shame is that she can't make this go away. She can't help but feel this way for her enemy. This man who holds her in such contempt. He knows the sway he has over her, and he uses it mercilessly. She doesn't want to give in. But she lost this fight a long time ago. She lost this fight when the dreams first started, when she didn't push them away immediately.

He moves closer to her, his lips so close to her ear that he's almost touching her. “How does it feel?” he murmurs against her skin. “To be the one without control?” When she doesn't answer him he tenses the arm manipulating her quivering insides. A cry escapes her lips unbidden and she tosses her head back, banging it roughly. Her inner walls clamp around nothing, and that emptiness is torturous.

She inhales and exhales slowly, trying to catch herself, to calm herself. If she can center herself she knows she can stop this. It's just so _hard_ not to focus on the feelings he was forcing her to feel. She can do this. She closes her eyes and clears her mind.

One single moment of clarity changes everything. It's like the interrogation all over again. She can see into his mind, has reversed the connection between them once more. He wants her and he hates her. She had called him _Ben_. She doesn't remember that, but it must be true. The memory is so clear in his thoughts. He's absolutely terrified that she wants something that he can't be. Her eyes shoot open and she looks directly at him. “I _am_ the one in control..” she says it softly, almost incredulously. She shakes her head, but she knows it's true. He is completely lost.

She releases herself from the restraints and steps down. She's angry. And she's feeding off the emotion like she never has before.

“You're pathetic.” She uses the force to push him farther away, into the far wall. He is taken completely by surprise. He struggles against her hold, but it's useless.

“How do _you_ like it, Kylo? Not being able to move? Not fun, is it??” She glares at him and steps closer.

She pulls him from the one wall to throw him at the opposite wall. He lands against it with a grunt. He shakes his head and finally breaks out of her hold. He pries himself from the wall and they crash together, anger and fists and hate and disappointment clashing between them.

But they can't hold back what it is they really want from each other, and it's lips and teeth that are crashing together before too long. He's pulling her hair hard to tilt her face to his. He takes her mouth angrily. She's trapped between his hard body and the even harder wall. He's hard against her belly. She slips her fingers under his tunic and scrapes her nails against his chest none too gently. He tears at her clothing, almost ripping her pants in an attempt to get his hand between her thighs. He pushes into her tightness roughly. He groans raggedly, like he's the one being probed, and leans into her to kiss and bite at her neck and shoulder. His teeth are rough against her skin, but it feels so perfect.

She shifts under him, against him, and pulls closer to his body. Her arms are around his shoulders and one leg hitches around his hips. He assaults her mouth again, biting her lip, before flipping her around so her front is pressed against the wall. He pulls her hips back against his and she moans and clings to the wall. One hand snakes from her hips to her front to grasp at a breast, squeezing and pinching the delicate skin. She gasps and bucks her ass back against him. He pulls her pants down quickly and palms her hot flesh, pressing the heel of his hand in the place she needs him most. She cries out and rubs herself against his hand, wordlessly begging him to give her more.

He leans into her ear as he rubs circles around her with his fingers. “You're mine, even now. Do you enjoy being my slut? Your cunt obviously does..” he chuckles as he works his fingers into her heat. His words anger her, but they turn her on even more, turning her face even redder than she was before.

“Shut up and fuck me, you ass.” she grits out between clenched teeth. She's so hot. Hotter than she had ever felt on Jakku. She doesn't think she'll ever feel cool again. Even the wall pressed to her cheek feels hot, her panting breaths leaving fog on the dull metal.

The sound coming from him must be a laugh, but it sounds strangled and the farthest thing from mirthful. He abandons her heated flesh for only a moment, probably to pull himself free from his clothing. Then he is upon her again, pressing his hot length into her without preamble, bent into her to accommodate their height difference. She moans and presses herself back against him, meeting him thrust for thrust. He presses her legs farther apart and takes her roughly, quickly, against the wall, the roundness of her bottom grasped tightly in his hands. Their mingled sounds – grunts, moaning, skin slapping together – are intensely loud in the room. Their sex is nasty, obscene, rough.

He moans disgusting, erotic things into her ear as he takes her, one hand pressed into the wall next to her face to give him better leverage. _You're mine. No one gets to touch you but me. My whore. I'm going to make you come until you can't breath. No one else can make you feel like this. Make you sound like this. Do you hear the way you sound when I fuck you? This is how a real man fucks. Your body is mine, and I can take whatever I want from you. I'm going to fuck you till you can't walk._

His words were a steady stream along with his thrusts, and she was left with nothing but moans and cries. She arches against him, desperately trying to take him in as deep as she can. He reaches down to touch her clit while he takes her and she flies off the handle immediately. But he doesn't stop, he keeps fucking her, hard against the wall, until she's sobbing with her pleasure.

“What's my kriffing name, scavenger. Say it..!”

She has no shame left, no dignity, nothing to fight against. She doesn't know why she ever fought him in the first place. “Kylo! Please! Oh, Force, Kylo!”

He slaps his fingers against her clit mercilessly and she comes again, screaming his name. Finally, _finally,_ he shudders behind her and comes into her, filling her, hot and sticky. She's shaking between him and the wall. He wraps his arms around her middle, almost tenderly, and slumps them both down the wall and onto the floor. He pulls her to his chest and she can feel his quick, shallow breaths against her hair. She clings to him, trying to breathe herself. She tilts her head back to look into his face. His eyes are closed and he looks like he's struggling with himself. But he feels her movements, and he leans into her, taking her lips gently. He shakes his head, looking down at her. “You're mind, Rey. You can't fight it anymore..”

 


	9. Like You Were Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can monsters change?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took me a long time.. My two stupid protags only wanted to fight in the dream.. mmm.. i'm not really sure how I feel about this chapter..

_Don't worry, Daddy_

_I'm not addicted yet_

She awoke slowly and stretched. She hadn't felt so well rested in a long time. She took stock of her living area and grimaced. She'd let a lot of things go – herself included. She stood and started to slowly pick up the detritus around the room, putting things away and tidying up. She had a lot more energy than she'd had in a while. And this was as good a task as any to get the day started. She felt like a slob having let everything get so bad around her.

She still wasn't sure how she felt about the dream. It was strange. She was still angry with him. She hated him. She still felt a bit manipulated. But she wasn't sure if she could entirely blame Kylo for what had happened between them initially.

When she was satisfied with the cleanliness of her living space, she dressed properly and left the room. She hadn't been out in longer than she could remember, and she felt very vulnerable. She made her way to the cafeteria; she wasn't sure if she was between mealtimes or not, but there was sure to be some real food in there in any case, and she was ravenous.

She studiously avoided making any kind of eye contact with anyone as she sat down with a plate of fresh fruit and cheeses. She didn't feel up to talking to anyone just yet. And she wasn't entirely sure that her betrayal with Kylo wasn't written all over her face and in her eyes. She didn't want anyone to know what she had been doing in her bed behind everyone's back.

She was just finishing up when Finn sat down in front of her. She mentally cursed her luck and steeled herself to look at him. She pasted on the semblance of a smile and stuffed the last of her apple in her mouth, hoping to buy herself some more time before being forced to converse.

He smiled at her. “It's good to see you about!” He seemed far too cheerful. It was grating.

She gave a noncommittal grunt and chewed slowly.

“You're gonna be fine, Rey. You can't let this kind of thing get you down.”

He had no idea what he was talking about. But she didn't feel like it was appropriate to enlighten him.

She swallowed and nodded at him. “I'm fine, Finn. Things just got a bit... overwhelming. I'm fine.”

He smiled even wider and nodded.

The rest of her day seemed to go the same way. People who 'knew' her coming up to her and talking to her. Telling her they were glad she was coming around again. It was exhausting. But she didn't let anyone know how tortured she felt at the attention.

Of course, she dreamt of him again that night. It just wouldn't be the end of a terrible day without Kylo Ren.

“ _I don't want to fight you..” He stepped forward and reached for her._

_She took a step back. “No, you just want to fuck me.” She still wasn't entirely happy with this man-child._

_He sighed heavily and let his hand drop to his side. “Why is that so wrong? You want it, too.”_

“ _Because you're a liar! A murderer! And you're my enemy! Why in the galaxy should I let you continue to live, let alone fuck you!?”_

_He shook his head. “It doesn't have to be that way, Rey. We could be infinitely better togerher than we could ever be apart.”_

_She glared at him. “I am not going to let you seduce me to the Dark Side.”_

_He threw his hands up, exasperated. “It doesn't have to be about sides, Rey! I know you feel it too, when we're together. The force has bound us. It's our destiny.”_

“ _I don't believe in destiny. I make my own destiny.”_

_He rolled his eyes. “That is definitely not what you were saying last night.” He gave her a lopsided grin._

_She could feel herself turning pink. “Oh, shut up.” That was lame, but she couldn't think of anything else to say._

_He grinned even broader. “You seemed to like what I was saying then, too.”_

_And now she was red._

_He stepped towards her again, pulling her to him before she could protest. “You can't fight it, Rey.” He pressed his nose into her hair. “Why try..?”_

_She wasn't used to this teasing, playful Kylo, and it was throwing her off. She reached up to push him away, but somehow managed to wrap her hands around his shoulders and pull him closer._

_He tipped her head to the side gently and nibbled at her ear. “Don't you want to belong somewhere? To someone?” He skated a hand across her shoulder to cup the back of her neck. “You've been so lonely. Even with these rebels. I can take that loneliness away..”_

_It was so tempting, to just give in. Would it be so wrong, if just for tonight? She could cut him off definitively tomorrow. Her hand almost moved on his own as she buried it in his hair. God, that hair. It was a sin for it to be so soft._

_Just for tonight. It would be okay, just for tonight._

_She gave in and kissed him._

_They were suddenly in what she assumed was his room, and he led her to the bed. He worshiped her with his hands and his mouth before taking her in the most achingly gentle way possible. He held her in his arms on his lap as they moved together as one. He held her for long moments before the dream ended, brushing his fingers through the mess of her hair._

She woke up to another day in the Resistance camp, and felt almost achingly alone. She went back to her daily routines slowly. She reintegrated herself with the people who know her, much to the glee of Finn and Poe. Their joy at her reemergence was almost insipid, but she dealt with it. They are her friends, and they care for her. And that was worth dealing with Poe's terrible jokes and Finn's goofy smile.

Her nights are filled with Kylo Ren. She tried to keep that side of her life as compartmentalized as possible. Every night, she told herself that it was the last night. And every night, she went back to him. It was getting harder to remove him from her thoughts. It was a bad idea, giving in to him. But she was like a moth to his flame. She could only pray that he won't burn her out completely.

She had begun to practice her forms by herself in the woods during the midday meal. She knew she needed to train and practiced, but she was desperately afraid that Master Luke would sense the new presence she couldn't control in her mind.

She started to feel his intrusion in her mind at all hours of the day now, not just at night, begging her to fall into his illusion. He was brushing seductively against her conscious even then. She frowned slightly and huffed, continuing her poses. _“I'm busy, Kylo..”_

_You can practice later.._

She could almost feel his presence there with her in the woods, and she tried not to melt into the feeling of him behind her.

“ _I need the practice.”_

_And I need you.._

She snorted and smiled, missing her steps. _“You're incorrigible..”_

If she had been paying attention, she would not have been taken by surprise. But she wasn't.

“You're distracted.” Master Luke's voice is slightly disappointed.

She gasped and turned to him, her face turning red. “S-sorry, Master.. I didn't hear you come up..”

He frowned a bit, looking at her. Almost looking through her. “I can tell.”

She finally banished Kylo from her mind for the moment, but she was afraid the damage was already done. She packed up her things and hurried away from the Jedi, ducking her head so she wouldn't have to look him in the eyes as she passed him. How was she going to explain this..?

Kylo was absolutely mind-blowing later that night. He hadn't been lying when he'd said he needed her. He snuggled her close in their aftermath and rubbed small circles on her ribs with his blunt fingers.

“ _Do you think Luke knows..?”_

_She nodded against his shoulder. “He'd have to be a terrible mind-reader not to..” She will have to cut her connection with Kylo. She knew this. Tonight had to be the last time, for real this time. The thought made her inexplicably sad._

_He nuzzled his nose down against her ear. “I'm tired of playing these games.. I want to_ actually _be with you..” His voice was low and deep, and it reverberated in her profoundly._

_She turned to look him in the eyes. He couldn't be serious._

_He smiled at her and gave her a soft kiss. “Let's just run away somewhere. Leave it all behind. Tell me where you are and I'll come get you..”_

_It's stupid. It's a terrible idea. She can't leave the base with the most wanted villain the Resistance has. But his eyes are so inviting. So soft and smoldering. And she can't say no to those eyes._

“ _D'Qar.”_

She woke up in the morning to the sound of an air raid siren. She sat up quickly and looked out her window. The sound of engines was loud, even through the layers of duracrete. And there's suddenly an explosion too close, sending the wall she was standing near toppling and her flying back. The world goes dark.

 


	10. You Ruin Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad things are happening. Jump on the angst train!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me so long to put up, especially since it's so short. My anniversary was Friday and I've been a little preoccupied with that and V day ;) I hope everyone likes this chapter. I'm always so overwhelmed by the response I've been getting. I write something up, agonize over it for hours, edit and re-edit and rewrite and erase and HATE the chapter I end up putting up, and you all like it anyway. It's kind of humbling, actually.

_Can you hear me?_

_Are you near me?_

In hindsight, it was his own selfish cockiness that got him into this mess. He thought he had everything under control. He would later rue how much he was wrong. He hadn't even put any effort into trying to hide what was going on. He only had himself to blame for this.

His days, before Rey, were either overwhelmingly boring or overwhelmingly full. And it tended to lean towards the bored spectrum more often than not. Unless he had some sort of mission to attend to, he was left to his own devises. And his own devises were, admittedly, very slim indeed. He had free reign of the ship, he could go anywhere he wanted, do anything he wanted. But he didn't have anything he wanted to _do._ He wasn't in charge of anything but the Knights and their missions. He wasn't expected to work on anything on the ship. There was nothing to help him pass the time between missions, and his missions seemed to be coming fewer and farther between as time went on. He felt like a caged, rabid dog. He let out his frustrations on the people and things around him. It gave him a sick sense of pleasure to be able to spread his misery around to others.

Now, his mind was overrun with Rey. He found himself looking forward to their shared dreams in the evenings. He was a bundle of anticipation and nerves for the next moment he could spend with her. Some small part of his mind warned him that she was making him weak. That she would be his ruination. But he refused to dwell on the thought. It made him feel better to think about the things they did in the dark in their minds. She moaned and writhed beneath him. He knew just how she liked to be taken. She was almost shy with her words about what she wanted from him. She would turn pink when he'd command her to tell him what she wanted, how she wanted it. But he could always tell her mood from their bond. Sometimes she'd like it slow and gentle, but what she liked best was when he pounded her into the mattress. He would take no mercy on her, slamming into her over and over, and she would cry out in her delight. He liked it best when he took her from behind, pressing her face and chest down into the bed forcefully. He could reach so deeply into her from that position, he almost couldn't tell where he ended and she began. If he could keep himself in control, he could make her come over and over just by holding her down and wrecking her body with his cock. The problem was keeping himself held back enough.

His days were inundated with new ways to be with her. New ways to please her. New ways for her to please him. He would remember the things they did all through his days. He dwelt on the memory of the first time she blew him for _days_. How her wet lips had surrounded him. They had been red and swollen, almost like they had been stung. She had glided her mouth along his cock so slowly, taking him deep into her throat. He remembered the feeling of her lips brushing against the curls surrounding his groin, how amazed he'd been with her. She had held her mouth there for long moments, moaning, and swallowed around the tip. Sometimes, he could feel her gag, and that somehow was even better. The feeling had almost made him come right there, buried so deep in her mouth. And she had looked up at him while she did it, her eyes dark and dilated with her passion. He barely pulled out in time to spend himself on her full lips and flushed cheeks. She had licked up every bit, like she didn't want to waste a drop of his come. He was hard and aching just thinking about it.

Aching and needy seemed to be his normal, these days. More often than not, he had to adjust himself covertly. The last thing he needed was to humiliate himself in public.

It was all starting to become not enough. He needed her, more than just in his mind. He needed her in his arms. He needed her next to him. They were a fitted pair together. They could rule the whole galaxy together. He was stronger with her than he ever would be alone. Thoughts of how to get her to come to him took over his mind. It was like an obsession. He _had_ to have her. He didn't know how, but he would convince her to come to him.

And suddenly, he didn't have to convince her of anything. He had been teasing her, begging her for a bit of an afternoon quickie. And Luke showed up, ruining the moment like he ruined everything. And that had been the turning point. That had been all that she needed to get away from the rebel camp and be with him. He didn't have to coax or cajole her. He asked her, and she told him. He woke up that morning, feeling better than he ever had, and started to think up the plans he would need to steal away, to be with her, to run with her. The First Order didn't matter anymore. The Supreme Leader didn't matter anymore. He was going to have his scavenger all to himself.

He should have known that nothing was that simple.

As he began packing his essentials, the Supreme Leader mentally summoned him. He panicked. Snoke hadn't summoned him in weeks. He didn't have any upcoming missions. He didn't have any upcoming training. Why did this have to happen _today_ of all days??

He put his bag on his bed, put his mask in place, and made his way to the holo-chamber that he had been directed to. Deep, even breaths. He would go in, see what the Leader wanted, leave, and make his break for it. It would be fine. One last summons. One last horrific, vitriolic meeting and it would be over. He would go to Rey, and they would disappear somewhere. He wasn't entirely sure of the how, but he would make it happen. Through sheer force of will, if need be.

When he entered the chamber, Snoke was already broadcasting. He had what must be some sort of smile. It was disconcerting, to say the least.

“My apprentice..” The emphasis he put on that word was also quite disturbing.

Kylo knelt before him and bowed his head. “Master. You've summoned me?”

“Yes, Kylo.. I've brought you here to tell you the good news. It seemed to me that your constant failures would never cease, but you have surprised me greatly. Even if it was unwittingly done.”

Kylo lifted his head, looking at Snoke. He was very confused. “Master..?”

The hologram chuckled, it's voice raspy and sardonic. “Surely you don't think you've been able to hide your _rendezvous_ from me..?”

The panic spiked through him again, and he tried desperately to hide his emotions from his master. “Master, I'm not sure..”

“Silence, Ren! I've been very patient with you through this whole sordid situation. I assumed you had some kind of end game, that you were trying to bring her to me. But I see now that you need a hand in that aspect. You are pathetic, your baser urges for this _girl_ make you weak. And now, I will either have her in my power, or I will use her to make you strong again.” He was almost grinning. His delight was sickening.

_Rey._ Snoke had known. All along. Of _course_ he had known. How could he have been so stupid, so reckless? His mind quickened, trying to think of ways to fix this.

“I know where she is. I can go get her, Master.”

“There is no need, Ren. She is already on her way. As I said, you obviously needed assistance. General Hux is bringing her to us as we speak.”

And suddenly, Kylo knew he was right. This was no bluff. He could feel Rey, coming closer. The bond was faint, but it was definitely there.

His heart was beating wildly in his chest. What had he done. He hadn't been thinking clearly. He _never_ thought rationally, especially where she was concerned. He clenched his hands into tight fists and pressed them into the hard, cold floor. He desperately wanted to crush something, to destroy something, anything to make this pain growing behind his ribs end. He longed to take out his lightsaber and destroy the podium the hologram was perched upon. But he had to hold himself back. That kind of outburst was exactly what Snoke wanted. Snoke wanted to see him in pain, in fear, acting irrationally. Snoke wanted to punish him for daring to think that he could find peace somewhere, anywhere. That he was worthy of peace. _Peace is a lie._

He had done this. He had ruined Rey. If not already, as soon as The Supreme Leader got into her head she was done for. She couldn't fight against him. She was barely trained, and thanks to Kylo, she had been slacking off on what little training she had been receiving. He had ruined her. He ruined everything he touched.

Snoke dismissed him with a diabolical laugh, and Kylo tried to keep himself from running to his rooms. He had to find someway to make this right. He _had_ to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the vicarious, gratuitous smut. I think I have some kind of thing for facials.. it's the second time I've mentioned them >.>;;;


	11. Bitter Hearts, Cold To The Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey jumps to the wrong conclusion. I have no excuse for this chapter. No apologies, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took me so long to put out. I've been doing too much reading and not enough writing, recently.

_Just like a moth drawn to a flame_

_Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain_

When Rey awoke next, she was in a small, metal room that reminded her far too much of the interrogation chamber that Kylo had strapped her in. She tried to sit up, completely terrified, but, just like before, she was restrained. But it wasn't a chair this time, it was some sort of cold table, almost like a gurney.

She looked around the room desperately, but aside from a deactivated droid in the corner it appeared to be empty.

“Come in here and face me, you coward!” Her voice was eerily loud in the room. She was enraged. How _dare_ he do this to her again!

She heard a voice over a comm, it was laughing. But it wasn't Kylo's voice. That made her even more confused.

“What's going on? Where are you taking me?” Her eyes darted around the room again, trying to find a speaker or any sort of surveillance equipment.

“I'm not sure you're in a position to be making any sorts of demands, girl.”

She struggled against the restraints again. She had to get out of here. Her fear was starting to eat at the edges of her mind. She could hear the voice laughing again, and it terrified her even more.

She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. She closed her eyes, centering, and spoke slowly. “You will remove these restraints and open the door.”

Nothing happened.

She said it louder. “You will remove these restraints and open the door.”

The voice crackled over the comm. “Your Jedi tricks won't work.”

She wanted to cry. She did scream in frustration and banged uselessly against the gurney.

The droid in the corner suddenly whirred to life and she froze. That could not be a good sign. It came closer to her gurney and she tried to scoot as far away from it as she physically could. It didn't give her much room.

It stuck out a spindly appendages. The thing reminded her so much of a spider she almost couldn't breathe. She tried to scrabble away from it, but it caught her arm with another of it's limbs and it injected her with something. It _hurt_.

“No no _no_.. Please.. I don't know what you _want_!” she was almost sobbing.

The voice never spoke to her again. She was completely cut off from anything remotely human. There was nothing but the droid and the pain. She lost track of time. The torture felt like it went on for hours. At some point, she lost consciousness.

When she came to later, her vision was too dark. She thought maybe she'd gone blind, and, terrified, she fought against her bindings to try to reach for her face. She was screaming. She was in so much pain. Her whole world was pain and fear and darkness.

Then she felt the hands on her and she stiffened. She'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be touched. It wasn't a welcome feeling. “No nonononononono!” She fought desperately to get away from the hands.

There was a hushing sound, and finally a face came into her vision. It was so distorted, the features exaggerated evilly. “Rey, you have to calm down...” The voice was so familiar, but so much lower than it was supposed to be. The face above her became raptor-like and she screamed again. And the pain inside of her was suddenly worse. The raptor must be trying to kill her.

One hand was on her face now and she tried to jerk herself away. “Rey! You have to stop the fear. It's going to make it worse..”

“ _Please_!” It was the only thing she could get out between her sobs.

The hand on her cheek moved over her eyes and she really _was_ blind then. “Listen to my voice. You know my voice, Rey. I'm not going to hurt you.”

She whimpered and pulled at the metal around her wrists weakly. “It _hurts._ ”

She heard a sigh. Maybe she was hallucinating this whole thing. “I know, Rey. You've been drugged. It's.. it'll hurt until you stop being scared.”

She could barely breathe through the pain and the fear wracking her body.

“You have to get angry. It's the only way to make it go away.”

She shook her head under his hand. “I can't!”

“You _can_. It's the only way to drive the pain away.”

She choked in a deep, shuddering breath, and she tried. But it was so hard to get past the fog of fear in her mind.

“Think about what they did to you. Think about the way you're going to make them pay. Because they _will_ pay.” His voice was so gruff, full of an emotion she knew she should recognize.

She gulped and nodded. Vengeance. That was a good thing to try to dwell on. It felt better to think of that. She stopped shaking so violently and started to calm her breathing. He had been right, it hurt less to stop the fear.

“Hold on, Rey. I'm going to get you out of here.”

His hand left her eyes and the light was almost blinding. The face wasn't in her vision any longer, but she still felt the presence. Then she felt the metal straps holding her to the gurney release and she almost cried with relief. She curled into a ball on her side, wrapping her arms around her legs.

“No, Rey. Don't let the fear take you again.” He was there in her vision again. He pulled her from the table and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to his chest.

She recognized him now, and it was easy to bring the anger back to the fore. “What did you _do_ to me, Kylo?”

He pulled back from her and frowned deeply. “I didn't _do_ anything! Actually, wait, yeah, I did do something. I just pulled you out of your own hell. A little thanks would be appreciated.”

She scoffed and pushed him away. “Yeah, thanks Kylo for destroying the base I was on, and kidnapping me again, and having me tortured! I can't believe I trusted you! Was it fun to watch me squirm? Did it feel good to turn me into your whore??” Oh boy, the anger came much easier now. And the pain was almost completely gone. She stood on shaky legs and stalked to him, shoving him in the chest with her forefinger with every word.

He stepped back and put his hands up in front of him. “Come on, Rey. You know it wasn't like that. _Think_. The drug is clouding with your mind.”

“The _only_ one who messed with my mind is you, Kylo! You've done it since the beginning! And I let you!” The blackness around the edges of her vision had turned to an almost blood red color. She was seething with her hatred for Kylo Ren.

His gaze was hot, some weird mixture of lust and insult. “Don't try to put what we did in that light. Those were _your_ dreams. I never forced you. You could have kicked me out of your head at any time, like I did when you called me – when you said the wrong name. You _wanted_ me to take you, to dominate you, to hold you down and give you what no one else could.”

Her anger seemed to bubble and brim out of her, almost like a physical thing. It radiated from her in waves, dark and _beautiful_. She used it to push him back from her further, into the wall he was standing just inches from. She followed him, giving him no quarter, and reached up to wrap her hand around his neck. “You do not dominate me, Kylo.” Her voice was cold, even to her own ears. “I am the one in control.”

She reached down to cup him, none too gently. He was already semi-erect, and her touch made him twitch and throb against her fingers. She quirked an eyebrow at him, holding him tightly against the wall with her dark force and her hand on his neck. “It seems like you're the one who wants to be dominated.”

He groaned, his jaw clenching above her hand. “An involuntary reaction..” he spat at her. He tried to push himself from her hold, but she was too strong for him. How had she never realized how _strong_ she was?

She scoffed at him, her grin almost evil. She caressed the front of his trousers, his cock reacting just how she wanted it to. “If you beg me, maybe I'll be nice to you.”

“Fuck you.” he growled, his teeth gritted tightly.

She smirked at him. “Such language. Does your mother know what kind of mouth you have..? The kind of nasty things you like to do with it..?”

He struggled against her hold even more at that, but she wasn't going to let him get away. She tore at the opening of his pants and pulled him free. She wanted to humiliate him, to hurt him. Her hand tightened around his neck and he choked and gasped as she started to pump her hand roughly up and down his hot length.

He whined and tried to wriggle away. She just chuckled and continued. She knew how he liked it, even if they'd never done anything in the flesh. Her hand squeezed and twisted around him. She leaned up on her tiptoes and whispered in his ear. “You know I can take whatever I want..” echoing those words he had murmured to her so long ago. She took his earlobe between her teeth and bit him.

She could feel his pulse jumping erratically under both of her hands, his neck tense and his cock throbbing. He was close to coming, his breath gasping through his clenched teeth. She lightened her touch on his hardness, teasing him, letting her fingers slip and slide around him, his precome making her touch slick and hot. “Say my name, Kylo, and I'll let you come..” she almost moaned against his neck.

He was almost vibrating with unresolved want against the wall. When she pulled back to look at him, she grinned. His cheekbones her bright red swatches against the paleness of his skin, his dark eyes were closed, his mouth hung open. He was desperately trying to thrust his hips against her hand, but she him held tightly, unrelentingly with the force. He exhaled loudly and shook his head. She could see his stubborn shoulders sag as he gave up. She grinned even wider.

“ _Please, Rey..”_

His words were delicious. It fueled the dark anger inside of her somehow. She redoubled her efforts on his cock, jerking him quick and hard. He shuddered against the wall, moaning and groaning, as he came all over her hand. She let his softening member go, and, as he opened his eyes and looked at her, she licked his semen from her fingers. He shuddered again, watching her raptly. Still holding him to the wall with her hand on his neck, she leaned into him and kissed his mouth hotly.

She must have let go of her force hold on him when she lost herself in the moment of triumph. He shoved himself from the wall and pushed her away. He didn't say a word as he turned his back and tucked himself back into his trousers. He didn't look at her again as he stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut loudly behind him.

Rey almost gasped at the loss of his presence. She backed herself into a corner of the room and slid down the wall. What had she done..?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm completely making all of this up as I go along. I have no knowledge of the EU. Any mistakes are my own. The drug I'm having Rey on is something I've completely made up. I have an idea that it's something like the fear gas the Scarecrow (from batman) uses, only it heightens all emotions, not just fear, and causes physical pain from any emotion that isn't Anger or Hatred. I'm thinking it's kind of a physical shortcut to force someone to choose the dark side. It's also a great plot devise to make my protags have hate!sex.. I'll let you decide which one is higher in my list of priorities ;D


	12. A Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a real chapter

Alright, guys. So, I need some help.

 

These chapters keep getting darker and darker. When I first set out to make my PWP have a story, I figured I'd go with a redemption arc. Characters hate, characters want, characters fall in love, character A saves character B, characters escape, have babies, and live happily ever after. Not the most original idea, I know. But something kinda nice none the less.

 

But, I'm super duper afraid of where I'm going with this. I can still go the redemption route, I haven't written myself into any kind of corner as of yet. But, that ends after this next chapter. I can either write about fun sexy times, or I can write about bad stuff.. Uber bad stuff. Like, angst and unhappiness and major character death and no happy ending for anyone. Someone having to live with the bad decisions they made at the last moment. Someone dying for something in vain. The characters seems to be trying to lead my story in this later direction, and I seriously don't have a problem with writing it this way. But what do you guys want to see? What are you all hoping for? I don't want to disappoint, and I am a little torn on how I want things to go. I am open to discussions and ideas and thoughts and hopes. I feel it again, the pull to the light. But the dark is so consuming. Help me, grandfather!


	13. Pure; Dirty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be careful when you eavesdrop. You might not like what you hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, everyone, I love you all. It was almost overwhelmingly for sexy/happy ending. I'll see what I can do for you folks. I'm not entirely sure my writing is worth this much attention, but I will gladly keep going if you want to keep reading. I'm definitely enjoying myself!

_Pillow talk. My enemy; my ally_

_Prisoners. Then we're free; it's a thin line._

“ _Kylo – Please don't go.. I'm sor-”_ He cut off the communication between them before she could get the words out. She had no idea where any of that had come from. That wasn't her, it wasn't how she thought or acted. She was far from proud of her actions. She was ashamed of how easily she let the darkness take over.

She stayed in the corner for what could have been minutes, or hours. At some point, a group of heavily armed stormtroopers escorted her to an actual detention cell. It was small, just a metal room with a cot on one wall and a primitive 'fresher in the corner behind what could laughably be called a partition.

The 'troopers retreated, blasters aimed at her all the while. She could feel two remain – probably to keep guard – and the rest tromped off to do... stormtroopery things. Whatever, it didn't matter. She was alone again in this new hell, and there was no telling when the torture would start again.

She sat on the thin, hard cot and waited. No one came back to her room. She sat, poised and ready, for hours. The waiting made her feel on-edge. Maybe the waiting was the real torture. It made her skin itch and her hair stand on end across her arms.

A droid rolled in at some point, dropping off some sort of food – it looked porridgey and inedible, though, honestly, she'd had worse. Like nothing. Nothing was definitely worse than gruel. So she ate, even if only sparingly.

It went on like this for days. Three hots and a cot. Well, three lukewarms and a pallet, really. She tried to reach out to Kylo, but she kept running into what felt like a wall erected around their bond. He was keeping her out. She could feel his anger and humiliation through the wall, though, and she felt like she'd earned that. She'd hurt him just where she knew it would scar.

She didn't dream of him, either. Which was.. weird. She missed it. She missed him. She had pushed him away. He had forced her to accept something she didn't want to admit to. Then he had slipped away. It was frustrating, not feeling him in her mind.

She didn't know whether to believe him, if he was behind the raid or not. If he hadn't been lying – if he really was innocent in this – she couldn't imagine the kind of pain he must feel at her lack of trust. But she couldn't help it. Kylo Ren was not a good guy. And how was she supposed to be at fault for believing the worst in him? All he'd ever shown anyone since he left Master Luke had been the _worst_ of himself.

So, she sat in her little cell, waiting for something to happen. She wasn't sure what. But the waiting made her antsy, her nervousness pooling in her limbs and her stomach heavily.

She had no idea how long it went on like this. She had no way to keep track of the moments, the passing of time. The room had no windows, and the lights stayed on constantly. Too dim to see anything well, too bright to sleep well under. Honestly, she'd lost the habit ever since leaving Jakku. It had felt wrong, on the base, to keep the days. And now, she'd wasted too long in a daze to be able to pick it up easily, or even confidently.

The only way she could keep track of her life was how often she slept, and how many times the droid came to feed her. It must have been the fourth or fifth day, she couldn't really tell, but she was certain it hadn't been a full week yet. The meals had come, and she'd slept dreamlessly. Until that night.

When she fell into the dream, it felt different. It wasn't like the illusions they had unconsciously formed for each other. It _felt_ like a dream, she knew it wasn't real. But she was lucid enough to know it wasn't her dream.

She wandered down a dark hall. She could hear voices from the other end, but they weren't words, and she couldn't make out what was being conveyed. She felt.. nervous. And excited. But she didn't think the excitement was her own, either. It was a dark excitement. It felt forbidden. It was something she wasn't supposed to see. It was something they weren't supposed to be doing.

She came toward a door. It was closed, but it was slightly ajar. She felt like it was some sort of metaphor; she could only see what was going on at all because someone hadn't closed themselves off properly. She pressed her face into the crack. It became obvious what the sounds were then. They weren't talking. Not really, at least. There were words, but they weren't in coherent sentences. Someone was desperately seeking their pleasure. Two someones. Two someones she knew.

There was a large bed in the middle of the room. It was dim, softly lit with reds and silver. The sheets were askew, thrown all across the bed, and the room; pillows tossed haphazardly. She only took in these details subconsciously. Her eyes were transfixed to the couple on the bed. Her face flushed instantly, she wasn't sure if it was from the scandalous scene or her own desire. She had to stifle a gasp. She did not want to be seen.

Kylo was on the bed, on his knees, facing the other direction from her. He was covered in sweat, his hair sticking to his forehead and the back of his neck. His thrusts were slow and steady, and he groaned deeply. His hands were grasping the waist of the woman bent over in front of him tightly. As she watched, he let go with one hand and gave the round bottom in front of him a casual slap. He used the same hand to knead the abused cheek, soothing the sting. It was when he took the firm flesh in his hand and pulled her wide open with his thumb that she noticed that something was off. She tilted her head, watching, trying to make what she was seeing make sense. The woman was wet and full, but of her own fingers. But they were still fucking? She squeezed closer, trying to see. Kylo was definitely inside of her, pushing and taking and moaning. How was he..?

Realization hit her and her eyes widened, her mouth went dry. He was buried deeply in the woman's ass. And the woman apparently loved it, if her sounds of joy and pleasure were anything to go by. She felt some kind of deep throbbing inside of herself, echoing the cries coming from Kylo's bedmate.

He let go of her bottom and slid his hand down her back, pressing her further into the bed. He grunted and bowed his head, his hips stuttering for a moment behind the woman. _“Force.. That's it, Rey..”_

Her mind went completely blank. He was dreaming of her. He was dreaming of taking her like this. She didn't think there was any sort of capacity for there to still be secrets between the two of them, but she was obviously wrong. Kylo had _never_ mentioned this position to her before.

If she had paid more attention to the woman in front of him, she would have noticed it was herself, but she was too busy watching Kylo. Kylo was dreaming of taking her ass and her enjoying it, reveling in it with him. The throbbing in her groin intensified. She watched, transfixed, as the scene continued to unfold. Kylo was almost tender with her as he took her, moaning and murmuring encouragements. He was completely focused on his dream-Rey, pulling her closer when she started to tremble, reaching down with one hand to help her fingers coax out her pleasure. Real-Rey felt her own insides clench and tremble as she watched her dream counterpart come apart, shattering underneath her lover.

It didn't take long for Kylo to follow her orgasm with his own. He lost a bit of control, his slow thrusts becoming a few hard slams before he gasped and called out her name. He slowly worked himself in her for a few more moments before slipping himself free and sitting back on his heels. Dream-Rey fell over to her side, her backside facing the door. He gave her flank a soft slap and then pulled his hair back from his face with his large hand. She watched, almost raptly, as his seed slowly slid from dream-Rey's bottom, viscous and white, dripping down her thigh and onto the bed. Rey bit her lip, her face bright red.

She must have let out some sort of sound, a gasp or a moan, because Kylo looked up to the door suddenly. His face was first embarrassed, then angry. He threw his hand up towards the door and it slammed. Would have slammed in her face if she hadn't stepped back. She'd seen something he hadn't wanted her to. She fell out of the dream quickly, into the blackness of her own dreamless sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I didn't catch anyone off guard with surprise!buttsecks :D


	14. Focus On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cause it's been ten days without you in my reach. And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep. The time has changed nothing at all. You're still the only one that feels like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is another big one. And it's mostly just trash. I hope you like it. Hopefully I'll be able to get more out sooner than I have been lately.
> 
> Please forgive me if Rey seems a little stockholm-y. She has been a bit tortured. And Kylo is the only thing she knows in this terrible place. Plus, he's spent a long time manipulating her to trust only him.. Mehh.... excuses for secks >.>;

_We were built to fall apart_

_Then come back together_

Ten days.

It had been ten days since his disastrous handjob in the room on the shuttle Rey had come in on. He'd gone there to take her away from her captors – his _allies –_ in some misguided sense of _compassion_. She was positively ruining him. And she repaid his kindness with anguish.

He hated feeling so helpless, so used and alone. He had promised himself he would never be put in that kind of position ever again. That he'd never let someone get close enough to hurt hum. He had played right into her hands.

Thinking back on it now, he could appreciate the way she'd let the darkness take her and mold her to its will. She had been beautiful in her fury. He used that thought later, to explain to himself why he let her take what wasn't hers. Just like the scavenger she was.

She had been so beautiful, so confident. And she had blazed so brightly. If he could convince her to join him, he knew that he could teach her to hone that cold, brilliant rage. She could become even more powerful than him.

But these were thoughts for later. Now, all he could think of was the anger and frustration of not being able to control himself. He was mortified by his body's unconscious response to her. He would have done anything that she had asked in that moment before release. He would have worshiped her, been ruled by his dark, beautiful Queen. And he would have loved every moment of it.

The thought was chilling.

He had immediately left to destroy something. He wasn't sure what. When he thought about the memory in that nebulous later-moment, it was just colors and feelings. He knew, later, that he must have been at it for hours. He committed millions of credits worth of destruction. On more than one room. He even destroyed himself a little. He didn't go to the medbay when he found the burns strewn across his arms and chest later; he didn't need to be embarrassed further. And his entire body was exhausted, like he had taken on an entire army by himself and only barley won, coming away with just his life.

The destruction did little to ease his mind, however. There was nothing in the galaxy he could use as a balm to soothe his mind. Nothing could bring him peace from Rey. Rey was supposed to have _been_ his peace. And now, even that small amount of pleasure was gone. Tainted.

He sat for hours after, failing to meditate. He couldn't keep his mind off of her. How her hands had felt pressed into his flesh, choking off his breath and burning on his cock. How she had made him beg for her. He begged for _no one_. He had to make her pay. He just didn't know how. He didn't know how to face her after this.

He finally fell into a fitful sleep. He dreamt of all of the small things from his past that always ate at him, every loss of control and confidence. How his peers had unrelentingly hated and teased him. They were jealous of his power, scared of his abilities. How his parents were far too busy to raise him. They fought too much to ever be home together, and worked too much to ever pay attention to one small, needy little boy when they were apart. His uncle had never believed in him, always expecting more from him than he was able. He was a constant disappointment to his old master. The aggrieved sighs and terse orders to “stay calm, Ben,” “focus, padawan,” “this isn't nearly as hard as you're making it.” Nothing he had ever done had ever been good enough for Skywalker. He had been just a boy! It hadn't been fair for everyone's hopes and fears to be riding on his shoulders. It was _their_ fault he had fallen.

He awoke the next morning, feeling far from rested. He went about his day, doing the nothing that he always did, all the while nursing his hurts and anger. He studiously avoided the cell he had ordered her placed in. He had set Phasma to the task of manning her cell with guards. He wasn't sure he trusted anyone else for the job. The captain was far from compassionate, but he knew he could trust her not to try to lay a finger on his prisoner. Because she was _his_.

That night, he dreamed again. It wasn't the nightmares of the previous evening. He dreamed of her. Not _with_ her. His dreams were ugly, ragged, hateful things. He dreamed of holding her down, dominating her, making her feel the way she had to him. He took his revenge on her body. He took her in ways and positions that he had never dared to take a partner in actuality, too depraved and hurtful. The dreams repeated for a few nights after that, raunchy and passionate, but not nearly as rough as that first night.

Almost a week in, they almost became common, like the dreams he used to share with her. More about shared passion than vengeance, but they were still considerably more obscene than he'd ever shown her before. He was staring down at the lovely mess he had made out of his dream version of Rey, admiring the way she crumpled to the bed for him. Enjoying the view of his seed oozing from forbidden places. That was when he felt her, in his mind, peeking. He was mortified, at first, for her to find him still so obsessed. Then angry that she had somehow squeezed herself into the cracks of his mind. He thought he'd closed himself off fairly tight after that hideous encounter. He slammed his mental barriers back up and pushed himself out of the sleeping world.

He was putting off the inevitable. He knew it. Everyone knew it. But he still couldn't force himself to see her. She was like a wound, eating at him, sucking a hole into him. And it _hurt_.

On day ten since the “incident,” he felt a very painful, insistent nudge from The Supreme Leader to _Get It Over With. Do Something With Her, Before I Do._ He couldn't put it off any longer.

He made his way to her cell. He hesitated. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. He didn't want to go in there. He didn't want to face his humiliation again. But Snoke's displeasure was far worse than anything he could ever deal with from this scrap of a girl.

He hit the lock, harder than necessary, and strode into the room. She was perched on the cot, her legs drawn up to her chest, her chin on her knees. She looked haunted. Good.

He pointed to the ground in front of him. “Here.”

She blinked at him and frowned in confusion.

“ _Now_.”

She scurried off the bed and stood in front of him, very obviously avoiding looking at him.

“Kneel.”

She slowly knelt before him. Her eyes were searching desperately for his eyes behind the mask. He hoped he gave nothing away.

He stared down at her for a long time, saying nothing. It seemed to unnerve her. He took a sick pleasure in that.

“Kylo, please. Whatever you're going to do, just do it. Get it over with. Torture me or kill me or whatever. I can't take this waiting anymore..” She had grabbed hold of his tunic in her hands and was twisting the fabric.

He continued to play the silent game, seeing how far she was willing to beg.

“I was scared, Kylo. I was so hurt and scared.. I didn't know what I was doing..” She looked down and pressed her forehead into his abdomen. “All I could think was that you'd used me, that you'd sent them to get me and let them hurt me..” She was whispering. And his anger was quickly, surprisingly, softening.

Unthinkably, he brought his hands to her shoulders and pulled her closer, letting his thumbs smooth circles into her collar. “I only found out about it after the fact..” He didn't know why he was telling her this. It was almost a compulsion. He needed her to know that he didn't do that to her. That he _wouldn't_.

She nodded, pressing her face deeper into the cloth covering his belly, and wrapped her arms around his hips. He gripped her shoulders tightly. He had come here to hurt her, make her feel like she had made him feel. But, something about her, something made him change the minute he was near her. He didn't know who he was around her.

He lifted her to her feet, and she let go of him. He turned her in his arms and embraced her, pressing her back firmly to his chest. He leaned into her, pressing the faceplate of his mask into her hair. He couldn't smell or feel her like this, but he needed to be near her. He felt her sigh and melt into him. And he wanted her. _Badly_.

He wrapped one large hand around her bicep and started toward the door with a purpose. He could feel her confusion, but he didn't say a word as he all but dragged her through the door. He pulled her along the halls, his long strides eating the distance. She had to almost-run to keep up with him. But he didn't want to waste any more time.

He took her through the long, circuitous route to his chambers. When he _finally_ reached his destination, he used the force to open the door before he even got close, not wanting to even take the time to punch in his code. He tossed her into the room unceremoniously, letting her go so he could tear himself out of his cloak and tunic, the thick fabric suddenly stifling.

She stumbled a few steps before catching herself against the desk in the corner. She watched him, dumbly, as he wrenched his mask from his face, throwing it haphazardly to the other side of the room. He descended on her as soon as his face was free, his hands catching, caging her face as he took her mouth eagerly. She gasped and stilled against him, her hands reaching up to take his forearms, but he couldn't keep himself from touching her, tasting her, having her any longer. She was _his_. And she was finally _here_.

He lifted her to sit on the desk and yanked her hips to the edge, firmly wedging himself between her thighs. He was hard and aching for her, and he needed her to feel it too. He ground his hips against hers as his tongue claimed her. She moaned against his mouth, pressing herself against him, clutching him tightly. He stripped his gloves from his hands, his lips not leaving hers, and slipped his hands under her shirt, letting his fingers spread across her lower back. She mewled and arched into his touch. Mewled like a damned kitten.

She pulled back for the fraction of a second it took her to pull her top off and toss it to the floor. Their lips slammed back together quickly, and his hands skated across her warm, tan skin, over her ribs, along her torso to grasp her breasts needfully. He couldn't believe how responsive she was under his hands. Her nipples immediately peaked as he touched them, his thumbs scraping back and forth across the sensitive tips. She was moaning and writhing against him, her hands buried in his hair to press his face closer to hers. He abandoned her mouth to glide his lips across her cheek to her soft throat. He suckled and nibbled at the skin of her neck, desperate to leave his mark on her.

She moaned his name, and it was everything he'd ever wanted. He dropped one hand to her hips and drove it past her waistband to bury his fingers into the tight, wet heat of her. She gasped, and he scraped his teeth against her tender skin. She was so pliant in his hands, her hips snapping against his fingers as he swirled them around her entrance.

“Tell me what you want, Rey..” he growled into her ear, purposely keeping his fingers from pressing into her where he knew she needed them. “I want to hear you beg me for it..”

“Kylo..” she moaned his name again, driving him insane. “I need you inside.. I need to feel you so bad..”

He chuckled in her ear. “More specific.. What do you want inside.. Where do you want it..?”

Her lust addled mind brought forth the image from his dream that she had seen, of him riding her ass. He grinned and bit her neck a bit roughly. “Maybe another time..” He wasn't sure she was quite ready for that, and he damned sure wasn't himself. He would take her like that, and every other way possible, eventually. For now, he just needed to feel her cunt around his cock in the real world.

She gasped as he flicked his thumb against her swollen clit and bucked her hips, trying to force his fingers into her. He pulled back slightly. “Ah-ah-ah... You have to say it, Rey..”

She closed her eyes and licked her lips. She shook her head, pressing her forehead into his shoulder, and clutched tightly to his arms. “I want...” she sighed, speaking softly. “I want you to fuck me, Kylo..” Her breath was hot against his neck. “With your.. Your fingers..” She was almost shaking with her need. And it was probably the most erotic thing he'd ever heard.

He gave her exactly what she wanted, plunging two of his fingers deeply into her. She moaned raggedly and pressed against him. She let go of him to reach down and struggle with pulling her short pants down her hips and off, her legs kicking out frantically to try to encourage them to fall to the floor. With the encumbrance of fabric gone he was able to slide his fingers even deeper inside of her, pressing them until the hilt of his hand sat flush against her slick cunt.

She worked her hips against his hand, encouraging him to pump into her. But instead, he curled his fingers into her, drumming his fingers against the spot of nerves deep inside. She jolted in his arms and clung to his shoulders, her wet mouth latching onto any skin she could get a hold of. He pressed his thumb just to the left of her little clit and wiggled it, applying pressure where she needed it without actually touching what she wanted. She nearly jumped out of her skin. Her legs wrapped around his waist and her head fell back, her back arching to shove her hips against his hand.

“That's – Just – Oh, Force, Kylo.. Right _there_!” She was trembling beneath him, her legs shaking against him. She reached back to put her hand on the desk behind her to hold herself up as she strained even closer. She fisted her hand in his thin undershirt and yanked him to her, taking his mouth desperately as she rode his hand. He swallowed her moans and cries, soothing her need with his tongue and teeth. She was so close. He could feel it, between her legs and in his mind.

He cradled the nape of her neck in his free hand and pulled back. He wanted to see her when she cracked open for him, when she shattered for the first time. He gave her one last kiss, pulling her bottom lip between his teeth. She opened her eyes and looked into his, searching him. Hers were so blown wide, so full of desire for him. He pressed his forehead against hers, their noses brushing together.

“Come for me, Rey..” His voice was a soft whisper.

She clutched him with shaking hands, grasping whatever she could get her hands on. Her mouth fell open and her head fell back. Her slick heat shuddered and clenched around his fingers. She sobbed his name as she came, and his already moist hand became drenched, her pleasure dripping down his wrist to the desk. She shivered slightly and collapsed in his arms.

He pulled her close, kissing her gently, as he slid his hand from her. He wiped his hand off on his trousers and gathered her into his arms. He carried her over to the bed, laying her down on the soft sheets. He kissed down her body softly, giving her slick center one lingering lick to taste her. She was so sweet, everything he'd ever imagined and more.

He stood and removed the rest of his knightly vestments before crawling onto the bed to lay beside her. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed close, kissing him lazily, her hands wandering over his shoulders and chest. He pulled her close, one hand between her shoulder blades, the other ghosting down her hip to pull her thigh up over him. “Are you ready for me, Rey..?” He was kissing into her shoulder, biting her skin, leaving red marks in the wake of his lips and teeth.

He wasn't sure if the “ _Yes_ ” he heard was spoken or in his head, but it didn't matter. He rolled her under him, pulling her legs around him. The only thing that went through his mind was that he was _finally going to make her his._ Fully and truly.

He'd dreamed of this, both with her and of her. He'd dreamed of how it would feel to push inside of her the first time. Dreamed of the way she would clench and squeeze his cock as he took her. Dreamed of her limbs wrapped around him, urging him closer, pressing him harder. But dreaming of her hadn't truly prepared him for the way fucking her would actually feel. The minute he was inside of her, he was well and truly lost. He knew, as soon as he took her he knew, she was his. For the rest of their lives, there would never be anyone else that felt like this. She was _his_ and no one else would ever touch her again.

He pounded into her, slamming her into the mattress. She clung to him for dear life, her nails biting into his shoulders. He stretched one of her legs up and over his shoulder so he could press into her even deeper. Her name was like a benediction falling from his mouth, chanted over and over as he fell into her. Lost himself inside of her. Took her so deeply he didn't know where she ended and he began. There was no he and she any longer. There was only them, they, _us._ She was his and he was never letting her go again.

He felt her crest over into a second orgasm, without him even having to touch her. It amazed him. She amazed him. And the feel of her rippling around his cock was enough to send his control packing. He didn't need it anyway. The hell was he trying to control anything for?

He came deep inside of her, rambling to her with barely coherent words, shuddering above her. “Perfect.. Beautiful.. Mine.. _Rey_..” He felt like he emptied more than just his seed inside of her. Like she was the keeper of his soul. He collapsed to the bed, taking her into his arms and holding her tightly. He was never going to let her go.

 


	15. I Just Want Your Kiss, Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just absolute smut. No excuses for it. I might need help. These two drive me to distraction...

_Oops, I think I got too close_

_Cause now he's telling me I'm the girl that he likes most_

 

Well, this development was.. the only word could be unexpected. Well, maybe not entirely unexpected. She knew that Kylo was possessive. But this was a little _much._

She'd been ensconced in his rooms for more days, just as unsure of the time lapse as she had been in the cell. He had barely given her time away from him to eat or use the 'fresher. They slept whenever and wherever they collapsed after sex. And he always slept spooned around her, his arms wrapped so tightly that she couldn't have gotten up if she had wanted.

The room was a mess, bedding strewn about, dishes left everywhere. He wouldn't let anything in the room. Whenever the droids came to drop off their food, he met them at the door, wouldn't let them come in. And he absolutely forbid the cleaning droid from coming by. The last one that tried he force-pushed into the trash compactor. Sanitation hadn't sent another one after that. And the room was positively redolent with the smell of them. It was a little embarrassing, really. She was seriously glad no one came in or near the room.

He wouldn't let her stay in clothing for more than a few minutes at a time. Anytime she tried to dress, he'd give her this pouty look, and she just felt bad. Kylo Ren, infamous, murderous dark-side-user, gave her puppy eyes any time she tried to cover herself. It was ridiculous. And he couldn't keep his hands to himself, either. When they ate, he had her sit in his lap. When they showered, they showered together. He followed her around the room whenever she got up to do anything that didn't involve him and his groin. It was like he was a horny teen and had just figured out what his dick was for.

Though, in his defense, he definitely knew what his dick was for. And his hands. And his mouth. _Kriff_ he was good with his mouth. He couldn't seem to get enough of sucking and lapping at her flesh. She'd been mortified when he'd tried to mouth at her bum the way he did at her cunt. He'd just laughed and smacked her bottom when she'd pushed him away, but he'd heeded her wants. It hadn't felt bad.. But it was so _obscene_. She flushed bright red at the thought.

She felt him move behind her. He'd had her bent over on the bed and was slowly pleasuring her with his mouth. He bit the back of her thigh where it met the roundness of her bottom, and he grabbed the smooth globes in his hands. “I thought you didn't want me there..?” he murmured against her skin, pulling her bottom apart with his thumbs to reveal her to him more.

She gasped and tried to shy away. “I don't!”

She could feel him grin, hear it in his voice. “Then why were you thinking about it..?”

She shook her head silently and tried to pull her hips from his hands. Sometimes, their bond was seriously an impediment to her sanity. But he held her fast. He ran one thumb along her wet folds before dipping it into her aching entrance, and she let out a ragged moan. He _loved_ teasing her, and it could get really frustrating.

He pulled his thumb from her with a _plop_ and circled the wet digit onto the tightness of her bottom. She gasped at the feeling. “Trust me, Rey..” he murmured, pressing his thumb slowly, gently, into her bum. “I know how to make you feel good..”

His thumb settled into her and she closed her eyes as he went back to licking the soaking mess that he'd made out of her cunt. He didn't move his thumb, just left it still, thick and full in her, as he ate her out. It was such a different feeling from when he fingered her normally. She could feel her muscles clenching around him; her body wanted him there even if she couldn't wrap her mind around it.

He spoke to her between licks and nibbles, his litany of words sexy and erotic and sweet. She still wasn't used to how much he liked to talk while he took her. “Just let me make you feel good.. I could spend hours between your legs, teasing.. sucking.. tasting..” When she squirmed, he gave her a good slap on the hip. “Are you going to be good..? Or am I going to have to hold you down and make you..?” His breath was hot against her sensitive skin, his nose bumping against her entrance. “Don't pretend, you can't hide from me. I know what you want.. You're my dirty, nasty girl.. And I'm gonna make you come – gonna make you scream – with my thumb up your tight ass..”

He started pulsing his thumb in and out of her; short shallow movements that had her squirming against his lips and fingers. He gave up speaking in favor of sucking on her swollen little nub, and she cried out. She buried her red face in the bed and desperately tried to breathe. He was doing such filthy things to her, and she absolutely _loved_ it.

“Stars, Kylo! Please..! It feels so _good.._ ” He loved it when she begged. And she knew it. But she was aching for him.

He pulled back from her and she _keened_ at the loss of him, and tried to push back against him.

He chuckled behind her. “Don't worry, baby.. I know what you need..” And he plunged his hard length into her to the hilt. Her moan choked out of her, her hands fisting in the sheets as she tried to keep from sliding up the bed with the power of his thrusts.

His hips slammed against hers, over and over. Powerful, but somehow expert at the same time, knowing just where to put the pressure that she needed. And he kept that damned thumb in her butt. But he flexed the digit toward the hand that was holding her hip, stretching and pulling the puckered muscle in a delicious, aching way.

He was absolutely driving her insane with that dick. _Kriff._ How had she held herself back from this as long as she had? Nothing could ever feel as good as Kylo Ren fucking the absolute life out of her.

“That's it, Rey... Force, you feel so good..” He murmured to her. His free hand gliding down the small of her back. He pressed her down further, arching her into him. She cried out at the feel of him, deeper than he had been.

“I love how responsive you are..” He pounded into her. His thumb pressed even deeper inside. She bucked back against him. “Force, like that.. So good.” he groaned.

“I love how tight your sweet little pussy is..” His hips were getting more eratic, slamming and smacking against hers with less finesse. He was getting close to the edge, losing control. This was what she liked best. She moaned his name over and over as he took her, encouraging him with her mouth and her hips.

“I love taking you like this.. Love holding her down and fucking you.. Love how much you scream for me when I pound into you from behind.. ” His breath was ragged with his need, huffing and panting out of him. The smacking, sucking, wet sounds of their sex and his voice loud in the dark room.

“So perfect.. So wet.. All mine..” He was leaning into her, his lips pressing against her skin where he could reach her. His left hand abandoned her back to smack against the bed near her head heavily. She could feel him shaking slightly above her. “Not enough.. Never gonna get enough..” he was moaning into her skin.

His right hand finally left her bottom and snaked down below her to frantically slid against her clit. She sobbed into the bed, her hips snapping back into his uncontrollably. She screamed his name as she came.

“Force, I love it when you come for me.. I love how your cunt clenches so tight..” His voice was strained, somehow deeper. “Fuck... _Rey..._ ”

He lost all sense of words and control as he slammed into her, his orgasm raging through him, overwhelming her through their bond. It was euphoric. She fell into the bed with the feel of her own release mixed with his, and he slumped down with her. His arms automatically pulled her close, wrapping around her. He nuzzled into the back of her neck and sighed. She could feel him falling asleep almost instantly, and she wasn't too far from unconsciousness herself.

_...love you.._

Her eyes snapped open at that, all exhaustion escaping her suddenly. That had sounded suspiciously like Kylo. That could _not_ have been Kylo. Her evil, murderous, dark-side-using, kidnapping, torturing.. Spaceboyfriend?

 


	16. My Friends Say I Look Better Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> playing house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. So sorry this took me so long to get up. I was at a bit of an impasse about where I was going with all of this, but I think I've decided what I want to do :) I hope you like it. Your comments are absolutely delicious to me. I love you all so much. Thank you for welcoming me with open arms into this garbage ship

_Here's a simplification of everything I'm going through:_

_You Plus Me is Bad News_

They were sitting at the small table on the other side of the room. Well, Kylo was sitting at the table. He had Rey sitting in his lap. He sort of preferred her there, she wasn't really sure why. One hand draped around her waist, idly rubbing circles around a hip bone. He was using his other hand to eat some sort of crunchy, orange vegetable. She had mauled the majority of the protein already. She had some sort of confection that she was nibbling on. She'd never had anything that tasted like it before. It almost melted in her mouth. It had some sort of sugary frosting lathed all over it, and it was getting all over her fingers.

“Kylo, what are we doing..?” she mumbled as she leaned back into his chest.

“Eating..” he looked over his shoulder toward the chrono next to the bed. “Lunch.”

She rolled her eyes and gave his arm a playful smack. “You know what I mean, don't be obtuse..”

He sighed and set his vegetation down on the plate in front of him. “Do we have to talk about this now..?”

She nodded, not looking at him. The wrapper around her sweet was infinitely more interesting all of a sudden.

He wrapped his other arm around her and pulled her even closer. “Well.. We're doing lots of things. Very intimate things.” He took her hand in his and raised it to his lips. He licked the frosting from her fingers, slowly, one at a time. She was pretty sure he was trying to distract her.

She scrunched her neck to the side, trying to pull her hand from his lips. “Kylo, please. I'm being serious..”

He sighed again, deeper this time, and pressed his forehead into her shoulder. “I don't know what we're doing, Rey..” She felt him swallow behind her. “Do you... Are you not happy..?” His voice was quiet, muffled against her skin. But she could feel the tension leaking from him.

She shook her head. “That's not what I mean.. I.. Is there some kind of plan..? Are we just going to hide in your room til the galaxy decides to forget about us..?”

He held her tighter. “What kind of plan could there be, Rey..? I can't leave. You know I can't leave. I can't go back. Why do we have to focus on the future? Why can't we just enjoy the now..?”

“Life doesn't work that way, Kylo. I can't stay here, in your room forever. At some point, someone is going to stop being patient and come for me. I can't be Dark. It's not who I am.”

“I know.” His voice was small and quiet, and his face was pressed so tightly to her skin she thought he was trying to bury himself inside of her.

“So, what are we going to do..? I can't be here forever. But I don't want to leave you here, either..”

“I don't have a plan, Rey! I've not really been thinking that far ahead..”

His voice was so broken sounding, so desperate. She turned in his arms and embraced him. “I know, Kylo. I haven't really either. But we have to think of something. I don't want to be the thing that they will make me. I can't believe they haven't tried already.”

Somehow he became even more tense. “What..? What aren't you telling me?”

He grimaced and looked down to the floor, but he didn't say a word.

“Kylo, tell me.”

He groaned and looked up to the ceiling, like there was some sort of salvation for him above. There was none to find. He finally spoke.

“I've been sending them away.” Her eyes widened. “And ignoring Snoke. I've.. convinced them I'm turning you.”

“Kylo! How long do you think they're going to buy that?”

“I don't know! I don't want them to take you anymore than you want to go..”

“This is really not going to end well. I have a really bad feeling about this.” She groaned, burying her own forehead in his shoulder this time. “What was your plan for when they figured out I wasn't 'turning'? Someone, at some point, is going to expect some kind of progress report!”

“I'll figure something out.”

How was this even happening? This had seriously been the worst decision she had ever made. And she'd made a _lot_ of poor decisions in her life. But falling into the arms of her emotionally stunted enemy was far and away at the top of the list. How had she ever thought this was going to do anything but end badly? The _idiot_ in her arms was barely able to make decisions about his own life, let alone add her into the mix of this. How could she have been stupid enough to put her life in the hands of a man who never mentally progressed passed early adulthood??

“You better figure something out quick, because we are running out of time, Kylo! How long do you think your _master_ is going to let you ignore him??”

“I said I'd figure it out! I'll figure it out!”

“How, Kylo? I'm stuck in your room, not a kriffing thing to my name. I have no way to defend myself from any of this. And you're _ignoring_ the creature that could kill us both with a thought! I don't even want to know what he's going to do when he gets his disgusting paws on my mind!”

“I won't let that happen.” His voice was low and growly.

“Yeah well, with no plan other than 'I'll figure it out', I highly doubt that's going to make a difference! Oh, stars, it's going to be worse, isn't it? It's going to be way worse than the torture before..” she was starting to panic.

“Rey. Force, just stop it.” His hands were caging her face, forcing her to focus on him. “I'll figure something out. I'll come up with a plan. Just, just give me some time. I'll fix this.”

She shook her head, biting her lip nervously. “He's going to kill me. I can't be Dark and he's going to kill me if he tries to make me. He's going to kill me when he figures out you've been lying to him. He's going to kill me when he realizes I'm never going to turn. Oh, stars, what if he forces _you_ to kill me, Kylo!” Her mind was swarming in a thousand different directions at once, and none of them were good outcomes for the two of them.

He leaned in and kissed her, roughly, possessively. “I'm _not_ going to let that happen. Trust me.” He held her tightly in his arms, shifting her so she was straddling his lap. “You're mine, Rey. I won't let anyone else touch you, no one else will hurt you. You're _mine_.”

She melted into his arms. She let his possessiveness soothe her. She knew it wasn't a permanent solution, but she needed this. Kissing him was a lot easier than trying to think of a way out of this. They could fix this after they kissed. She needed to hold him, needed him near. She didn't know when the jig was going to be up, when they were going to be forced to separate. It wasn't a question of if, someone _was_ going to come for her. And she wanted to enjoy as much of their time together as she could.

She shifted in his lap, pressing her naked core against his hardening length. She moaned into his mouth and ran her hands into his hair. His hands tightened on her hips, rocking hers against his rhythmically. She was lost. Lost in his arms.

“Show me I'm yours, Kylo.. Make me believe it..” she sighed.

He wriggled in the chair that was barely large enough for his frame when he was alone. It probably wasn't the most comfortable position for him to be in. He lifted her and himself fluidly, as if she were weightless, and carried her to the bed. He laid her down gently, fitting himself into the cradle of her hips, her legs automatically wrapping themselves around his waist. His touch was almost tentative as he caressed his fingers across her smooth skin, his breath escaping from his lungs shakily. They'd done many things together, been intimate in many ways, but he had never been this gentle with her.

He touched her like she was something to worship. His hands skittered over her hips, across her thighs, back down to her belly, cupping her breasts. He was everywhere. His mouth pressed kisses from her own lips to her ear, down her throat. Like he couldn't get enough of the taste and feel of her.

“You're mine, Rey..” he murmured against her skin, finally bringing his deft fingers to the place that ached for him. She clung to him, gasping, as he slowly brought her to the cliff. Her pleasure didn't explode, didn't toss her over the ledge, so much as give her wings. She felt like she was flying, rising above the world towards the light.

Before she came back to herself, he was inside of her. Kylo was a good fuck, he always knew just how to push into her to drive her crazy, pounding her into the mattress. What they did now, it wasn't fucking. He made love to her. And she felt more like she belonged to him than any other time, any other dream they shared. There were no words, no erotic, nasty, carnal phrases. Just the sounds of their mingled moans, their breaths and cries. He didn't slap his hips into hers; his strokes her measured and long, almost painful in their slowness. It was somehow not enough and perfect at the same time. She could barely breathe, couldn't think. He was so firmly pressed into her, onto her, above her, all around her. This is where she belonged.

She came again in his arms, completely wrapped around him, and he didn't take much longer after that. They snuggled together on the bed for a while after that, just kissing and holding each other. “You're mine, Rey. I won't ever let anything happen. No one can take you away from me.”

He got up, after a while, to shower. He came back into the room with his trousers on, his shirt in his hand. She snatched the fabric from him, pulling it over her own head instead. He just smirked at her and went to the wardrobe to fetch another one.

“I have to go out for a while. I have meetings I've been putting off. And I need to figure out what we're going to do. I won't be long.”

He leaned into the bed to kiss her once more, after he'd finished dressing. She pouted a bit, but snuggled back into the bed. She had been locked in this room with nothing but him for so long, she didn't know what to do with herself if she were alone. She didn't want him to go, but she could probably use some time to herself.

She snuggled his pillow and yawned.

She must have fallen asleep, because she sat up with a jolt when the door slid open. She looked to the door with a smile, expecting Kylo. It faded when she saw the silhouette of stormtroopers. She scrambled back across the large bed to the wall it was against.

“You – You're not supposed to be here. You have to go. He'll kill you if he finds you here!” She was clutching Kylo's linen shirt to her tightly.

The 'trooper in front staggered to a stop in the doorway. He looked over his shoulder to the 'trooper behind him. They whispered something to each other. The 'trooper behind pushed into the room towards her quickly. “This actually makes things a lot easier. You have to come with us. We don't have a lot of time-”

She shook her head, her eyes wide. She wasn't prepared to go yet. She wasn't ready for this. She had hoped she'd have more time. She knew it was fruitless to think that she could have stayed here forever with Kylo, but she really hadn't thought they'd come for her so quickly.

The 'trooper came closer to the bed and tore off his helmet.

She looked even more shocked, if that were possible. “Poe..?” She looked between the two. “What are you doing here..?”

The 'trooper still at the door took off his own helmet – Finn, of course – and grinned at her. “We're here to rescue you! Why are you in Ren's room..?”

She shook her head, her mouth opening but nothing coming out.

Poe took her hand and pulled her from the bed. She staggered to her feet in nothing but Kylo's too-large shirt. He frowned at her. “What are you wearing..? Where are your clothes?” He started to search the room, probably searching for her things.

But Finn was frowning, coming closer to her. “Rey. Why are you in Ren's rooms..? With no clothes on??”

She shook her head and turned bright red, clinging to the material.

Poe looked up at that and came over quickly. “Oh, Force. What did he do to you, Rey..? Did he use his mind tricks on you? He can force you to say and do things you don't want to. I know, he tortured me before.” He grabbed her and embraced her quickly. “Stars, Rey. I'm so sorry we didn't get here sooner..”

She was stiff in his hug, unsure how to extricate herself from this conversation. “No. Poe. It's not like that. I-” How was she supposed to tell him that she'd _let_ Kylo do the things they'd done? _Wanted_ him to.

“It's alright, sweetheart. It doesn't matter now. It's over. We'll take you home and you can forget all about this place.” He had his hands on her face, smiling down at her reassuringly. She wanted to cry with how wrong he was. And he wouldn't listen.

Finn found some sort of short undergarment in the drawers of the wardrobe and tossed them to her. “Come on, this is sweet and all, but we really don't have a lot of time.”

She pulled the shorts on and tied them as tightly as she could. They were still laughably large on her. “I can't go. I have to wait for-”

Poe just grabbed her hand and led her from the room. “No time. They're going to realize we're here soon, and we have to be out of here before then.”

Poe and Finn had their helmets back on and were rushing her through the corridors, Finn leading the way. They were probably leading her to whatever hangar they had a ship in.

She couldn't just leave though, she had to get a hold of Kylo. This could be their chance to get off this force-forsaken ship. She opened up the connection between them and called to him, letting him see where they were going. She felt anger and frustration coming from his side of the link, which was confusing, but she didn't put a lot of thought into it. She was desperately trying to pay attention to her surroundings, trying to pinpoint when real 'troopers were around the corner. They needed to get out of here and not get caught with as little fanfare as possible.

They finally made it to a decidedly deserted hangar, only one ship in the middle of it. The only other person in the area was Kylo. He was in full knightly uniform, his mask firmly in place, his lightsaber in hand. Anger was seething from him, filling the room with his dark rage.

“And where, exactly, do you think you're taking my prisoner, Resistance scum..?”

 


	17. The Scars On Our Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Showdown](https://youtu.be/0mmx68VmTEo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This episode of "As The Dumpster Turns" brought to you by Genesee Beer and Bacon and Pepperoni Pizza rolls. Because I'm a classy bitch like that. Nothing says quality like pizza rolls and shitty beer. That is in NO WAY a statement about my writing.

_It's so cold out here_

_In your wilderness_

As soon as he realized what their destination was, he rushed to hangar B-1-6. It was under maintenance, and therefore deserted. It must have been the only way for them to have snuck onto the destroyer.

He waited impatiently for them to arrive, seething. He briefly wondered if she had somehow gotten word to the Resistance of her whereabouts. But he dashed the idea aside just as quickly. He hadn't been out of her reach for more than minutes at a time. Until today, anyway. Blast his luck. If he'd just stayed in the room, if he hadn't been so damned set on figuring out their exit strategy, he would have been there when her rescue crew had arrived. He could have stopped this already.

And he _still_ hadn't figured out a way to get the both of them out of this pickle on top of everything else.

He saw them rush into the hangar, the traitor leading the way, with Dameron following. His hand wrapped firmly around Rey's. It made him even madder. No one was supposed to touch her but _him_.

She must have noticed him. She turned to him, her face breaking into a smile, and she made as if to go to him, but Dameron pulled her back towards the shuttle. His rage was starting to turn the edges of his vision dark.

“And where, exactly, do you think you're taking my prisoner, Resistance scum..?” He could barely get the words out between his clenched teeth. He spun his saber in his hand, wishing desperately to destroy something. The transport ship they were making their way towards seemed like a great option.

She stepped forward again, dropping the pilot's hand. “Kylo! This is the best chance we have to get out of here..”

He shook his head. His voice was soft, even through the modulator, when he spoke. “This isn't a chance for me. You know it can never be.”

She tried to walk closer, but that damned pilot stopped her. He pulled her back towards himslef and the traitor, his arm wrapped around her waist, pressing her back against his chest. It made Kylo's rage seethe darker.

“You're not going to manipulate her anymore. You're never going to touch her again. We're taking her away from here, if we have to go through you to do it..” The pilot's face was a mask of anger as well.

She pushed against Dameron and shook her head. “Poe, it's not like that.. It's... Kylo, tell them.” She looked at him, pleading.

The pilot looked down at her incredulously. “He's been playing you, manipulating you, for months. It probably started when he was _watching us_. He's obsessed. And he's got you convinced it's okay!” She shook her head, looking from the pilot to Kylo and back again. She was begging him with her eyes.

And he was lost. He would do anything for her. Even if it destroyed him. Even if it felt like he was carving out his whole heart. Force help him, he loved her. And he couldn't keep her here anymore. In the choice of killing her or killing himself, he'd throw himself on his own saber every time.

He laughed, adding as much maliciousness to his voice as he possibly could, and shut down their link. The last thing he needed was for him to feel his lying. “I'm surprised it took you this long to figure it out, Dameron. But, you were always slower than I.”

She shook her head and glared at him. “Kylo, please. Tell them.”

“Tell them what? How I watched you? How I learned what you liked? Learned what you wanted? Learned what you hated and what scared you? It was so easy, after that. To whisper just the right words to you to make you push everyone away. All I needed was for you to come to rely and trust only me. And you made it so _easy_ , Rey.”

Stars, it hurt. It hurt more than anything he'd ever done. It hurt so much to watch her face crumple, to react to these lies.

There were tears in her eyes now. She shook her head and untangled herself from her pilot. “No. Kylo. I know. I _know_ it wasn't like that.” She reached for him. He couldn't. He wasn't up to her touch yet. He was barely able to keep up this charade as it was. If she touched him, he'd give in, follow her anywhere she wanted to go, even if it meant his immediate and inevitable death. He grasped her wrist in his hand before she got too close.

“You know what I made you know, scavenger. Look how lost you are for me already. If I'd only had more time, you would be begging me to teach you, to drag you into the darkness. It's Snoke's fault, really. If he had only left me to my own plans, I'd have you secluded on some Outer Rim planet right now. Somewhere no one would find you.”

She shook her head again, vehemently, her tears slipped free. It was killing him. Her voice was small when she spoke, only for him. “No, Kylo. I _heard you._ I _know_ you love me.”

He laughed again, a scorned, painful sound. He'd never told her, he wasn't sure how she knew. But he shook his head. “Do you honestly think I'm capable of such things? How naive. My plan worked better than I had thought.” He squeezed her wrist roughly, causing her to wince. “I kill the things I love, Rey. Don't you remember? I'm honestly surprised you let me in, after how you idolized Solo. I'm a monster. A creature in a mask.” This part was true, at least. He broke everything he touched. He didn't know why he thought this would be different somehow.

She yanked herself from his hold and backed away, her eyes going from hurt to anger quickly. Good. It was much easier to deal with her rage than her pain.

She gripped her wrist in her other hand, cradling it to her chest. “Why?? Why do this? What would this have ever benefited you??” Her voice hissed through her clenched jaw.

He shrugged. “Power? Desire? The knowledge that I could twist you from Skywalker, turn yet another of his students against him? You're strong, Rey. Imagine how far we could go. We could rule the galaxy if you'd turn.” It was a weak excuse, he hoped she bought it.

“You're insane. I'd never have turned to the Dark Side.”

“That's too bad. We could have had anything we wanted, you and I.”

She sobbed again and it broke him, the very last bit of his heart that was still attached to something fell. “I thought I did.” She said it so quietly, her eyes so mournful.

He needed to end this now. He couldn't stand here watching her heart break any longer. He ignited his saber and stepped towards the threesome menacingly. He got exactly the reaction he was hoping for. The duo behind her raised their blasters and started to fire. He dodged and deflected their shots effortlessly, but feigned farther from them, as if they were a real threat.

Dameron yelled at her to get on the ship. They were backing toward the ramp. She looked at him, shaking her head and backing away from him slowly. It had been a good decision to keep his mask on. He didn't think he could have stood there emotionless as she left him. And if she had seen even a tenth of the feelings he was trying so desperately to hide she would have never left. And he needed her to leave. He needed her to go home, to be safe, to be as far away from Snoke and Hux and the First Order as possible. And him. Because he would kill her just as surely as they would, even if not physically.

He swallowed down his own sob as he watched the traitor pull her further into the ship as the ramp quickly closed. He was too busy watching her be yanked from him to pay attention and a blast from the pilot sent him to his knees. He hissed with the pain, relishing it. It would help him focus. And he definitely needed to focus right now.

She tried to charge to him when she saw him fall, but it was too late, the ramp was almost closed, and the traitor had his hand around her bicep. She cried out his name, reaching for him, but he just looked down to the floor. He pulled himself up to his feet and let out his own frustrated cry of pain. Let her think what she wanted about it. He couldn't be kriffed at that moment to care.

When they were finally gone, he demolished the entirety of the hangar. It was completely unsalvageable when he was finished. It looked exactly how he felt. Broken, red, molten, ragged. Finished. There was nothing for him. He was nothing. Without her, he was a shell. A useless, broken thing; not even good for the one thing he was forged to do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Wow. This. That was painful. I listened to SO MUCH breakup music while writing this. I have so many feels. Oh my god. I'm SO SORRY guys. I'm not, really. But I wish I was. That counts, right? Ugh. The feels.


	18. I'll Be Alright. Just Not Tonight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbye. Should be saying that to you, why shouldn't I? Laying down a law that I live by. Well, maybe next time. I've got a thick tongue, brimming with the words that go unsung. I simmer then I burn for someone. The wrong one.  
> ...  
> Say it's coming soon. Someday without you. All I can do is get me past the ghost of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly exposition.. Mmmm. Not sure how I feel about this chapter. Kinda mostly set up stuff and character wallowing. Meh. I feel like I do narrative a lot better than dialogue. No sex in this. Can't honestly see how I could have put that in here, anyway. This is probably the most song-fic I've ever written anything ever. Parts are directly stolen from Sara Bareilles. She's a lot better with words than I am.

_I tell myself to let the story end_

_That my heart will rest in someone else's hand_

She watched in horror as he fell. This wasn't how things were supposed to end. There was time still, she tried to rush back down the ramp calling his name, but Finn grabbed her, pulling her hard back into the ship. Before she knew it, the ramp closed, and Poe had them flying from the hangar, jumping into sublight immediately.

She wheeled around on Finn, snatching her arm from his grip. “Finn, I swear to all that is holy, if you grab me like that again--”

He cut her off, putting his hands up in front of him in supplication. “Whoa, yeah, I get it. Kriff, Rey. Great way to thank us for rescuing you!”

She glowered at him. “I didn't _need_ to be rescued! I know how to take care of myself.”

She heard Poe's scoff from the front of the ship, and she thought she heard him say “Clearly.” She chose to ignore him. “You two are _fucking_ impossible!” It was the only thing she could get out at that moment. The only thing she could say that she wouldn't regret later. She had her fill of regret-laters.

She could still feel him. In the back of her mind. He was a pulsing ball of rage and pain. She didn't know what the hell he had to be angry or upset about. He had lost, but her victory was hollow. She tried to push it down. To compartmentalize. But his feelings only mirrored her own, made her more upset than she already was. She threw her arms in the air and stomped to the small crew quarters, throwing herself on the hard pallet in the corner.

She ached inside. It was worse than anything she'd ever felt. Worse than the infection that settled into cuts from rusted metal. Worse than the gnawing hunger of not eating for days during a sandstorm. She clutched her chest and curled into herself. How had she let herself get this way? When had she gotten so weak?

Poe said he had been manipulating her. Kylo had admitted it. Tears sprang to her eyes again. She wiped at her face furiously. She refused to let him make her feel this way. She was in charge of her feelings, not him. But it was so hard to juxtapose the Kylo that she had been with, had come to know, with the one who used her. It hadn't felt like that. She'd never thought it had been like that. Had she really been so naive? She never thought of herself as young and stupid. The desert burned that kind of behavior out of a person, or it killed you.

Well, she sure felt like she was dying now. She had believed him. Everything he'd said. Everything they'd done. It had felt right. It had felt special. _She_ had felt special. And it had all been a lie. For what? Some stupid sense of wanting more power? How could that have possibly been a good enough excuse to use her the way he had? It didn't make sense. It didn't jive with the idea she had in her mind of him. He had seemed... happy didn't seem to be the right word, but he had seemed so much less unhappy with her. She had thought there was some kind of future with him in it. How _stupid_.

He had seemed so different. Almost younger. Could he really have been such a good actor? This had to have touched him the way it had touched her. There was no way he could have faked that. She had _felt_ him, through the bond. She knew how he felt. He loved to tell her how she couldn't lie to him in her mind. The same had to be true for him. Maybe..

No. _No._ Maybe was a vicious word. And it would kill her. He had agreed that he had only been using her. He had _laughed_. She covered her mouth with her hand to hold in a sob. He had lied and he had admitted it. There was no point in trying to convince herself of anything else. 'Maybe' would only hold her in this pain. And she had to move past this. If he had wanted her, wanted to be with her, been truthful in any of the things he had promised her when they were together, he would have jumped at the chance to leave with her. They could have worked something out. They could have convinced the Resistance to take him in. He could have told them anything to get leniency. His mother would have welcomed him with open arms, fought tooth and nail for his safety. He obviously didn't want any of that. He obviously didn't want _her_.

Stop! No more. No more could-haves. No more maybes. It was over. She'd made a huge mistake. Thank the _force_ Finn and Poe had shown up to pull her back to the light. She couldn't even imagine the things she would have let herself succumb to if she'd stayed with Kylo longer. She'd made a mistake, and now it was over. Now she could go back home and pretend like none of this ever happened.

But it still hurt. She wasn't sure when the hurt would go away. Maybe someday. She'd be alright. Someday. She'd be herself again. She'd go back to her old routine. She'd be with her friends. Someday. She'd go back to her lessons. She'd never think about this again. She wouldn't hurt anymore. She'd move on. Someday. She'd be alright, someday.

Stars, she needed to find the other side of Someday, soon.

She had never intended to be this way. She thought she was so strong. But she wasn't. She was fragile. She was broken. She was an empty, unfinished thing. She was sharp, jagged edges, bloody and broken and fragile. And she _hurt_.

Why couldn't she just say 'goodbye' to this? Goodbye to this feeling. Goodbye to _Kylo_. Goodbye to this force-bond. She felt like a puppet. Like the things she did weren't her choices anymore. She was so tired of feeling like she was being blown about by the whim of the Force.

She closed her eyes, willing herself to sleep. She'd feel better when she woke up. She'd be the person she wanted to be. She'd be better. For herself, for once. Maybe.

-

She woke feeling groggy. Her head hurt, probably from crying. She hated that feeling, disoriented and sluggish. It felt too much like dehydration sickness for her liking.

She sat up from the cot and stretched, then made her way to the cockpit. She looked out and frowned, squinting, before looking down at the console in front of Poe. “Where are we? This isn't the Ileenium system..?”

Poe looked over his shoulder at her, then shook his head. “No. D'Qar was too damaged. And obviously compromised. The Resistance moved to Dantooine. There's a really old Rebel base there, from the Clone Wars. It's pretty dilapidated, but it works.” he said with another shrug.

“Oh.” She blinked. “Is that what took you two so long?”

Poe flushed a little and looked everywhere but at her. “No.” He chewed on his lip. “After the destruction of D'Qar.. Your barracks were completely decimated.” He sighed. “We were afraid you'd been killed.”

She nodded. It made sense. It was still a frightening thought though, that all her friends had thought she was gone. Had mourned her. “So, how did you realize I wasn't..” She didn't want to say it out loud.

He became very busy with the controls; the conversation obviously made him as uncomfortable as her. “We found plenty of remains. We had a memorial service before we left D'Qar. But not yours. I knew you had to be out there, somewhere. I coaxed Luke into trying to pinpoint your location through the Force. It took him a while; a lot longer than I had thought.”

And here comes the guilt train. Of _course_ Poe would be the one to push for her return. He would be the one to not give up on her. After everything they'd been through, she should have realized without asking. And the whole time – Poe looking for her, afraid she was gone, afraid he was never going to see her again; she could imagine it all, she could feel his emotions strongly – she had been fraternizing with the enemy. Her friends thought she was dead, and she had been too busy fucking Kylo Ren to even think about it. He'd spent weeks looking for her, tirelessly. And she'd spent weeks naked in another man's arms. She felt like the biggest piece of kark in the galaxy.

She sat quietly in the cockpit behind Poe and Finn. How was she going to explain any of this to anyone? How could anyone understand what she had done? How would she tell Master Luke? How would she tell General Organa? _Good evening, General. Sorry to worry you. Nothing too big happened, just let your evil, murderous son screw me six ways to Sunday, while everyone here tried to put their lives back together after a debilitating First Order attack that was executed for the sole purpose of giving me into the enemy's hands. And even after they tortured me, I went to him willingly. How's life?_

She didn't want to talk about it anymore. She didn't want to _think_ about it. The sooner she got over Kylo Ren, the better, for all involved.

 


	19. White Knight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things aren't going well on the Dantooine base.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Not quite as angsty. I know, I know. Everyone wants a happy ending. But we'll have to trudge a bit through some plot before hand. Forgive me?

_I hate to break it to you, babe, but I'm not drowning_

_There's no one here to save_

It had been going on like this for months. She was pretty sure it was going to drive her crazy. She rested her chin in her hand and glanced out the window, watching the people on the base as they went about their duties. Everyone seemed so busy. She saw a few speeders every once in a while. She idly inventoried the machines, parsing them down in her thoughts to how many portions each part could earn her.

Poe's voice interrupted her thoughts once again. He was explaining some funny thing to Finn and Jess. He was so cheery sounding. It was going to kill her. He had his arm over her shoulders again. Maybe _that_ was what was going to kill her. She shrugged a bit and he lifted his arm nonchalantly, resting it on the back of the booth.

She wished she could just tell him to kriff off. She wished she could tell him his mere presence was irksome. That he had no idea what it was she needed. That she was fine and she didn't need him to hover over her so much. He wasn't helping. He was doing the opposite. Just being near him could be so frustrating. But how do you tell sweet-tempered Poe to take a long walk off a short pier? People on base already thought she was a little nutty. She didn't need to cause a scene in front of all her friends.

It didn't take long for the arm to drop down on her shoulders again. She rolled her eyes, not looking up. She was getting tired of having this conversation with him. He _knew_ she didn't like being touched. In public. She shrugged again, and the arm disappeared once again.

The touching had gotten worse as time went on. It had started casual. A hand at an elbow while talking. Leaning on a shoulder in a playful manner while working. It had gotten bolder lately, though. A hand on the knee. This stupid arm over the shoulders thing. His hand on the small of her back as they walked. She'd tried to talk to him about it before, tried to discourage him. But, she supposed, he had a good point. Sorta. If you squinted. And put a lot of Poe-logic into it.

“Look, it's not like I'm trying to push you into anything.” he had said. “We're just friends, right? I'm just thinking that _he_ isn't done yet. And if he looks, if he starts eavesdropping again, I thought it would be a good idea to make him think that he doesn't have any kind of a chance of tricking you again.” He just shrugged. Like that made some kind of real sense.

She had given him a dumbfounded look. That was probably the stupidest thing she'd ever heard. He wanted to casually touch her in public to chase _Kylo_ off? He wasn't even around anymore! He backpedaled a bit about it, but he wouldn't let it go. And, honestly, Poe was a good friend. Maybe it made some kind of guy sense that she didn't understand.

“I really don't need you to do that, Poe. Seriously. I can handle it this time. I know what to expect. He can't succeed with the same tactics again.”

He smiled and gave her shoulder a friendly tap with his fist. “Hey, just looking out for a friend.”

It didn't stop though. Poe was great at not listening to the things that he didn't want to hear. Oh, he would pull back a bit every time she mentioned it. But it would eventually start again, and progress faster than it had before.

And now, it was making people think they were a _thing_ again. They were not a thing. Rey was not a _thing_ with anyone. She probably wouldn't ever be again. At least not for a long time. And it was really frustrating when someone would make a joke or say something about it. She would quickly shoot them down. But they'd just smile at Poe and wink or laugh or say something stupid. Like it was some kind of inside joke.

Poe would just smile or shrug. He'd put his arm around her shoulders and smile at her and say something dumb, like “Nah. We're just friends. Right..?” His voice would take this rough timbre, like they had some kind of secret knowledge together. And then he'd smile at her in a way that was decidedly not friendly. It was really giving everyone the wrong idea.

Not that she especially cared about what other people thought. But she'd been through this with Poe before. He knew she hated feeling like some kind of arm candy. Especially when she wasn't even getting anything out of it other than some misguided sense of chivalry!

And she could feel some small thing in the back of her mind seething with anger every time Poe touched her. It wasn't Kylo. Well, it wasn't the connection with Kylo. He'd closed that down fairly well. And hadn't opened it since she'd left _The Finalizer_ with Poe and Finn. But it was still there, in her thoughts. The feeling of angry possessiveness. It was like her own mind was trying to remind her that she belonged to someone else.

She had tried for a while after getting to the new base to pry her way back into the bond. He was a lot stronger than her, though. And continuing to fail only made her angry with herself. For even bothering to try. Kylo didn't want her. He'd used her. Why was she wasting her time on him?

And there was that arm again. She huffed and frowned over at him. He just grinned at her with his eyes over his cup of caf. She shrugged his arm off again and tried to pay attention to the conversation. Jess was looking over at them. She had this weird look in her eye. Like she was watching some terrible rom-com holo. It made Rey feel uncomfortable. She scooted a little further from Poe on the bench. He crossed one ankle over the other knee, jiggling his leg a bit, causing his thigh to brush against hers. He was trying to drive her crazy.

She gave up trying to enjoy her breakfast. She stood with a huff. “I gotta do.. a thing.” She didn't even care that it was probably the lamest excuse in the entire galaxy. She hurried off, leaving the cafeteria as fast as she could. She didn't have any plans for the morning, but she couldn't sit there and be _touched_ any more.

She made her way to one of the repair bays and started to fiddle with the first broken piece of equipment she could find. She was frustrated, so she didn't get much fixed. But it made her feel better to have a spanner in her hand, to have engine grease up her forearms. It was calming. Almost as good as meditation, only more productive in the long run.

And that was when she felt it. She was in the middle of trying to decide if the long-range scanner she was fixing was even worth trying to save. In it's current condition, she'd probably only get 2 quarter-portions for it.

She was suddenly struck with a great pain. It felt like all of the air had been sucked out of her lungs. She gasped and clutched at her chest. Her heart raced, trying to pinpoint the threat. But there was nothing in the garage. It was just her and some tools and parts. But there was no reasoning with her non-functional lungs. It felt like she was dying.

Then she wasn't in the garage anymore. She was in the dark somewhere. Face-first on the floor, limbs splayed out painfully. Something was pulling her apart and squeezing the life out of her at the same time.

_Oh, stars, it hurts._

Was that her thought? She wasn't sure. She couldn't think past the pain.

_Someone, please.._

She was almost sobbing. It was dark and terrible. And the pain only got worse.

“She can't help you. She can't hear you. She doesn't want you. She never loved you.”

She gasped and struggled against the hold on her.

“She left you. Like everyone. No one could ever love you. You're worthless. What have you ever done to deserve love?”

Fresh pain. It felt like lightening sparking across her mind. She had a vision of a shuttle leaving orbit over Jakku as Unkar grabbed her arm roughly. Everyone left her.

But the vision was quickly replaced by one of _her_. With Finn holding her arm in a remarkably similar way to Plutt, as the ramp had closed tightly and the shuttle she was in quickly left _The Finalizer._ The terror, the pain, the grief she felt at watching herself go was just as deep as the emotions she had felt watching her family leave her on that desolate planet.

_Come back! Please, don't leave me!_

It was both the sound of her own childlike voice, and the voice of the man she could never forget, inexplicably intertwined. They were both filled with such longing, such desperation. Love? What was going on?

She came back to her senses with a jolt. “ _Ben!_ ”

Poe was leaning over her. She must have fallen over onto the duracrete floor. The back of her head hurt and she winced. He cringed back from the name as she yelled it in his face. He frowned deeply. “What is it? What did he do??”

She shook her head, sitting up slowly. The effort made the pain from her head lance down her spine and she winced again. “Nothing. I'm alright.”

He glowered at her. “You're not alright. I _told_ you he was going to try something else.” He leaned over and attempted to pick her up in his arms.

She flailed at him. “Stop! Kriff, I can stand and walk on my own!”

“We need to get you to a medbay.”

“I'm _fine_!”

“You're not fine, Rey! You were on the floor, screaming and seizing. That is _not_ the definition of 'fine'!”

“I'll be okay in a second. Just give me a minute.” She still felt woozy from the vision, but she pushed Poe away every time he tried to steady her. “I really need you to stop grabbing me, Poe. For the love of the Force.”

When she was finally ambulatory, she started to walk towards her quarters. She needed to gather her things. Time was of the essence.

“Where are you going? The medbay is that way.” He said, pointing.

“I'm not going to the medbay. I don't need to go to the medbay, I'm fine.” she gritted out through clenched teeth. She was really close to popping poor, sweet Poe in his nose.

“You are so not fine it's not even funny.” He was trailing her quickly, even when she sped up.

She ignored him, keying open her door. She started to gather clothing and supplies into a soft, worn canvas bag.

“What are you doing?”

“I have to go.”

“Where??”

“I don't have a lot of time, Poe.”

He narrowed his eyes and snatched the bag from her. She gave him a shocked look and grabbed for the bag, but he pulled it out of her reach. “What did he do to you this time?”

She sighed. “He didn't _do_ anything, Poe. I just have to go.”

He shook his head. “I'm not letting him get his hands back on you again. I won't let you go back to him.”

It was her turn to narrow her eyes. “You don't get to 'not let' me do anything, Poe Dameron.”

He gave her a frustrated look. “He's trying to trick you again.”

She rolled her eyes. “It's not like that. He didn't say or do anything. I had a vision.”

“Obviously he's behind whatever vision you saw! How can you be so naive about this??”

“Poe, it's not really your concern.”

“I think it is. I'm not going to let you get hurt again by this monster, Rey.”

“Poe, you don't get to decide what I can or can't do. You don't get to decide anything about my life.”

He reached for her and pulled her into his arms. “Why can't you see how terrible this is for you? How terrible this is for us?”

She frowned at him and pushed against him. “Poe, there is no 'us'. There hasn't been an 'us' in a really long time.”

“Why can't there be? Why do you have to keep letting him get in the way? You don't have to be so stubborn about this all of the time! We were great together. You know how I feel about you, Rey.”

She pushed at him, harder, and stepped away from him. “Because I don't feel that way about you, Poe!”

He looked like she struck him in the face. His mouth fell open, but nothing came out. Finally, he shut it, turned on his heel, and left the room.

She sat on the bed and put her head in her hands. She really didn't have time for this. She took a steadying breath, let it out slowly, then stood again. She grabbed her bag and headed back out of the room, making a beeline for the docking bay. If she hurried, and saw no one on the way, maybe she could get out of there without any further interruptions. And maybe she could get to him in time.

 


	20. His Lighthouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night is dark and full of terrors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update was so late. I'm going on vacation for a week starting tomorrow, so I can't really promise a lot of stuff between now and then. Another chapter filled with mostly inner monologue style narrative. I hope you like it. It seems like what I prefer to write, maybe? Dunno. I'm just as new to this as you are to me! :D

_Out of breath I am left hoping someday_

_I will breathe again_

There were some things he could remember. It wasn't everything, which made it frustrating when he tried. He remembered the feel of her skin. The way her hair slid through his fingers. He remembered her beautiful hazel eyes, brown with flecks of green and amber.

He couldn't remember the way she smelled. He wracked his brain, trying to think of it. It had been some sort of plant-like smell. Maybe earthy? He couldn't remember the sound of her voice. He's pretty sure it had an accent. But he couldn't draw it forth from his memory. He was weak. He cursed himself for his weakness.

He remembered that he loved her. That was probably the most important thing, the thing he tried to make sure he remembered above everything else. It didn't matter if she loved him back. He loved her. He _loved_ her. He wasn't incapable of love. He loved _her._

He couldn't remember why she left. Or maybe he had left. Did they argue? Did he say something wrong? He remembers holding her. He remembers the last time they were together. Maybe she knew it was going to be the last time? She had begged him to show her who she belonged to. She would always be his. And he was hers, too. He didn't know if she knew that, though. Did she know he loved her? He couldn't remember if he'd told her.

No, he had made her leave. That was right. He had lied to her. He had been terrible. She couldn't stay with him, it was too dangerous. Obviously, he'd been right about that. He couldn't bear to think of what it would be like if she was having to deal with this torture the same as him. Or if he had failed and the monster had killed her like it had wanted. The memory of her leaving was fuzzy, wrong around the edges. Sometimes she was being dragged away while she reached back for him. Sometimes, she was embracing _that kriffing pilot_ , her arms embracing someone else, her lips smiling for another man. He wanted to believe in the first vision, but he was so afraid of the second. One of them was wrong. One of them was the ubiquitous _them_ trying to change him. He held on to the happier of the two, begging himself to remember her that way.

He couldn't remember how he had ended up in the cell. He didn't think he was on _The Finalizer_ anymore. He was pretty sure they took him to a planet. No, he'd gone to a planet. To meet someone. Some _thing_. But he didn't remember, and he can't trust what he thought. They were trying to change his thoughts. For hours and hours, they would make him second guess what he _knew_. Then he would remember her. And all would be right in his mind again, for at least a little while.

She was like a song, one he couldn't remember the words to but the melody wouldn't leave him. He hummed her song in his mind, over and over, trying to remind himself of the things he'd forgotten. She was his anchor. She was his beacon. If he could remember her, he could remember himself. He would think of the times he was wrapped in her arms. The peace he had felt when he was with her. It would help him stay calm when he would forget his name. They tried to change it, but he knew that wasn't his. That wasn't him. He was the man who had been with her. He wasn't the thing they were trying to make him.

His life was filled with the dark room. The pain. The hours of confusion and fear. The wrong-words would eat him, the words they forced into him. Then he would feel like a light had been switched on in his mind and he would remember her. Her name would come to him, or her smile, or her eyes. And he would remember who he was. He would remember that they were liars. There was peace and hope out there, even if it was only for her. He would never get to experience those things anymore, but she still could. And that meant something. It meant _everything_.

He'd hurt someone, in the nebulous _before_. That was why he was here. He thinks. He's not sure anymore. He might have killed someone? That was why they were killing him by inches. He'd hurt someone, trying to protect her. To protect them, maybe? To protect the idea of her? Someone was going to hurt her. Or maybe they were going to hurt him. It was all very hazy. But he hadn't reacted well – he was great at not reacting well – and he'd lashed out. He has very distinct memories of being in a red trance of hate and anger. He had taken down _many_ , not just one. That was right. He'd killed someone important. Then they had tried to take him down with sheer numbers. He didn't go down without a fight. There were many bodies scattered across the echoing chamber when he was done, not just the one he hated. But he did, eventually, fall.

He would have done anything to protect her. That was their mistake. They never should have threatened her or him or them or what they had. Whatever it was that they had tried to hold over him. It had backfired. He had immediately lost it. Her touch had soothed the monster within, had finally made him see that he didn't have to be one or the other. He could be both. He could be balanced with her. They were the universe together, and nothing could ever tear them apart. He had felt it. He had felt the feeling rising in him, telling him what to do, where to strike. The universe was in them and around them and of them. And they were meant to be together. And _nothing_ would stop the universe from being whole again.

He couldn't feel it anymore, though. He had struggled for hours – days – to try to get that feeling again. He had almost burnt out his mind trying to reach his senses out the way that he knew he was supposed to be able to. But it was gone. He didn't know how, but they had taken that from him, too. They had stripped him of everything that made him _him_. They had tried to take her from him, too. But he wouldn't let them have that. Couldn't. She was too ingrained in him. He may not feel their universe anymore, but he would always feel her.

But it didn't matter now. He'd killed the thing that had ruled him. The thing that had changed him so long ago. He'd killed it, it couldn't hurt himherthem anymore. But it didn't matter. He was still stuck in the dark, alone, without her. It had been too little, too late. Story of his life. Boy makes bad decisions, boy meets girl, boy falls in love, girl leaves boy, boy fixes his shit _finally_ , boy still ends up dying for his sins. But at least it's him and not her. He thinks he remembers saying that once. Or thinking it? That in the choice of her or him, he'd be the one to fall on his sword every time. He wasn't bitter about it. He wasn't upset. Disappointed, definitely. But he had no one to blame but himself for the troubles he was in now.

Just the fact that he could still feel her light was enough. He could wish, till the end of his days, that he was still holding her. He couldn't change what was. But, he could be joyous in the knowledge that she was safe and whole and happy and full of light. Her light was intoxicating. It was what had drawn him to her in the first place. He'd felt the pull of the Light for years, but it was nothing compared to _her._ She was literally the light of his life. And she was okay. He had made sure she was going to be okay. It was harder to come to terms with the fact that he would never see her again. But he had his memories. He could see her in his mind. Parts of her. Most of her. When he remembered.

He hallucinated about her. A lot. It was really unhealthy, he knew it. But he indulged himself anyway. Mostly, he just imagined her sitting beside his prone body, running her fingers through his hair. The touch of her fingers along his scalp was so soothing. Sometimes, he thought of his face lying on her soft lap rather than the cold, hard floor. He smiled when she was with him. They didn't say anything to each other. He knew she wasn't real. And he still couldn't remember what her voice sounded like. But her pretend-presence was something he desperately needed. He wished he could slow down those times, when he feels her near. But they were always so fleeting. Nothing like the slow, torturous pain of the hurting. That never seemed to end soon enough. But he would endure it. He could endure it, for her. He could endure anything for her.

_Rey_.

His beautiful scavenger.

His visions of her always come from nowhere. Usually, she was just suddenly there when she wasn't before. And she was always perfect. The beautiful tan, the smattering of freckles, the soft supple feel of her skin.

So, it was weird when she walked into the cell through the door like a person. Like one of them. Maybe they were playing some sort of mind game with him.

She looked wrong, too. Her hair was too long. And her tan was lighter. And she was disgustingly grimy. Not as bad as the first time he'd encountered her so long ago now. But she was just covered in filth.

She dropped to her knees next to him suddenly. And she spoke. And that was wrong too.

But it wasn't. Not quite. How could he have ever forgotten that lilting accent?

“Oh, Force, Ben. What have they done to you..?”

And then her hands were on him. Just how he wanted them. Combing through his hair. Stroking his aching back and shoulders. He murmured softly and closed his eyes. It didn't matter that the vision was different. It was there. _She_ was there. And he was going to enjoy it for as long as he could before they came back for him. Before they ruined him again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I'm not even sure what I want to have happen after this. I like this story, and I think you all like it too. But I don't want this to evolve into some 50+ chapter mega-fic that goes into all the little nuances of redemption and reawakening and love and blahblahblah. We'll see what I want to do. I think I have at least one more chapter out of this. I dunno. Let me know what you think!


	21. Superman's Got Nothing On Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Yeah. There's no excuse for how long this took me, especially considering it's short as hell.
> 
> The truth, honestly, is that I'm scared. I'm afraid that you're all going to figure out I'm a sham, that I'm going to let you all down and you'll realize I can't write for shit. I was afraid to continue writing this because I'm sure someone is going to look up from their screen and say "The hell am I even reading this for..?" and it'll be contagious and everyone will just go back to their regular lives and this will be here, my shame, for everyone to see. I feel like I've put myself on some kind of pedestal, and you're not going to be happy with the ending because I can't make it as good as I want it to be. Also, I really wasn't sure how I was going to get these two back together. I've kinda painted myself into a corner >.>;
> 
> This is NOT some kind of plea for you to compliment me. I am not fishing here. I don't need you to fill up the comments with love. I'll get it together, and I kind of know better what I want to have happen next, so don't worry. There won't be as long of a wait for the next chapter.
> 
> So. Enjoy. I hope you like it. I hope I'm not a disappointment. ^_^;

It took her much longer to find him than she had anticipated.

As soon as she got out of Resistance space, she poked and prodded at the connection with him, trying desperately to get in touch with him, to find him. But the link was eerily quiet. She couldn't feel him in the force, but she couldn't keep herself from trying.

She tried _The Finalizer_ first. The ship that she had been taken to. It took her a while to find it's location, and even longer to figure out how to get on board without notice. Precious time that she didn't have. It felt like the very Force was trying to push her along, trying to hurry her up. She didn't know what she was going to find, but she knew that it was going to be bad. And only she was going to be able to stop it. To save him.

She made quick work through the corridors of the ship to his rooms. She put little thought to the idea that the ship seemed emptier than it had been when she'd roamed these halls before, it just left her with a vague unease she couldn't quite place.

But his rooms were empty. And a giant mess. It looked like someone had destroyed everything he owned. There was nothing in the room that was left in one piece. She stood still in the room for a few moments, trying to detect him. But he was gone, every trace of him was gone, and no one had been in the rooms in a long time. She huffed in frustration. What was she supposed to do now?

She closed her eyes and tried to pull the Force around herself. Tried to see if the Force would help lead her to the next step. It had been the Force that had alerted her to the situation in the first place, surely it wouldn't abandon her now that she had no where else to turn.

But the Force was quiet. Of course it was. Nothing was ever easy when it came to the two of them.

She tried their link again. _Where are you?_ But she got no answer. Just that terrifying null from the place that he used to reside in her mind. Surely she wasn't too late? Surely the Force wouldn't have shown her that vision if there wasn't any way to save him?

She heard a sound behind her, and she twirled around quickly, pulling her lightsaber and igniting it at the same time. The door opened to a squad of 'troopers, a very tall one in chrome at the front. She thought she recognized the tall one from the early days of her capture, there couldn't be that many officers in shiny metal could there? They all had their blasters trained on her. _Kriff_. So much for stealth.

She deflected the shots sent her way and sent a Force Push at the gaggle of white armor. The 'troopers collided with one another and fell back, but not enough for her to escape. She'd have to make some sort of stand in his room.

It would have been easier, taken less time, to take down the squad if she didn't mind hurting them. But her morals got in the way, and she had to take her time and energy to incapacitate them without actually leaving irreparable damage. She couldn't help thinking of Finn, though. Finn had been a 'trooper. He was a real person with real feelings. And so were these 'troopers. She couldn't cut them down with a clean conscience knowing that. So it was with many pulled-punches and plenty of her own singed wounds that she finally was able to put down the last of the squad, it's leader.

She held the 'trooper at saber-point and glared her hardest. Her face was stone, her voice harsh and unforgiving. “Where is Kylo Ren?”

The 'trooper gave her no fear, no quarter. Her head lifted in defiance. “Not here.”

Rey scoffed and held the enormous woman with a Force Grip – not tight enough to hurt, but hopefully enough to show that she was serious. “That much is obvious. Doesn't really answer my question, though. Where. Is. Kylo. Ren?”

The woman gave nothing. “He was a traitor to the Order. Hopefully, he'll be dead by now.”

Rey tightened her hold, had a small spark of pleasure as she watched the woman struggle a bit for air. She'd think about the consequences of that feeling later. “You're trying my patience, Captain. I'm not going to ask again.”

The woman groaned. But she was giving nothing. Rey huffed in frustration. She didn't have _time_ for this!

She kept the woman frozen with the Force and just delved into her mind. She didn't scream, but it was obviously uncomfortable. She parsed through the memories quickly, she didn't want to prolong this for either of them. It didn't take long to get to what she wanted. The memory flashed in front of Rey like it was her own. This woman hadn't seen everything, but she'd seen the aftermath.

_Kylo, covered in gore, surrounded by dozens of bodies, heaving in breath, lightsaber in hand. He didn't even look human, his eyes were wild, his face a grimace. There was a huge throne behind him, but it was empty. The Captain – Phasma, her name was Phasma – led a squad into the room cautiously. She wasn't going to rush in headlong and be killed the way that these others obviously had, she was smarter than that._

“ _Lord Ren! Stand down!”_

_She directed her squad to surround him slowly, not getting close enough to reach with that damned saber of his. The man didn't speak, he growled at them, lunging forward anytime someone came too close. They had to take him down. The man was dangerous when he was in control of himself. This was obviously far beyond control. She had a vague moment of wonder, thinking what could have pushed him to this point. But she pushed those thoughts away, she didn't have the luxury of thought at this moment. She had to get him down, out of this room, so she could get_ him _out of there. The body Ren was standing over like he was guarding it._

_But she wasn't naive enough to think that Ren was trying to save the General. She'd seen the holofeed, she knew better than that. Something had happened in this room while they were meeting The Supreme Leader, and Ren had snapped. They had all known it was coming at some point, but she had foolishly thought that there were some kind of failsafes in place. She'd been wrong._

_And the General had paid for it with his life._

_She wasn't sure if or how The Supreme Leader had gotten out of the chamber, but he wasn't there, nor was his body, so she didn't waste thought for him either._

Rey fast forwarded through the memory, she didn't care how they'd captured him, she just needed to know where he was.

After much more death and violence, they finally subdued Kylo, pushing him to the ground roughly and clamping him in manacles. Had to be Mandalorian, nothing else would have held him. Also explained why she couldn't feel him, if he was still in them. Wherever he was. If he was still alive. But she pushed that thought away. The Force wouldn't have led her here if there was nothing she could do. She had to believe that.

She weaved her way through the memory, searching for the information she needed. She grasped at anything that could help her. Until it finally came to her.

_Krayiss Two._

Kriff. That wasn't going to be easy to get to. Of course.

She stole the Captain's – Phasma's – consciousness and lept from the scene as quickly as possible. She made her way back to her ship, lying in stealth against an unused docking port, and sped from _The Finalizer_ , imputing the coordinates for the sacred Sith planet only seconds before activating the hyperdrive. She had somewhere to be.

 


	22. You Should Be Scared Of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmmm. Not sure how I feel about this.

_I'm headed straight for the castle_

_They've got the kingdom locked up_

_And there's an old man sitting on the throne and saying I should probably keep my pretty mouth shut_

The planet was why there were so few warm bodies aboard _The Finalizer_. Every available 'trooper or officer was on Krayiss Two, presumably to guard The Supreme Leader. Even so, there weren't that many left. Kylo had done an admirable job of destroying most of her enemy's defenses for her.

Snoke had somehow risen the library from the grip the planet had on the old structure. She was honestly surprised the Sith spirits who once ruled this world had allowed him entrance, let alone the lackeys he'd brought with him. She took a moment to be impressed with the buildings before making her way in through the large, gaping threshold.

She had made no effort to guard her Force Signature from anyone on the planet, so she wasn't surprised by the immediate resistance she found. She made quick work through the white-armored cannon fodder that was sent her way. She was a little insulted that Snoke thought she was weak enough to find them any sort of challenge.

She pushed her way through the compound, each successive wave of enemies becoming progressively harder than the last. She had an inkling that maybe the insane creature in charge was testing her, trying to see what her limits were. Which was also quite insulting. He could test her all he liked, throw whatever he wanted at her. She wasn't going to stop her mission. And she wasn't going to join him. He was in for a shock if he thought that she would welcome him as some kind of Master. Her cold fury for the decrepit monster that had wrought such havoc in Ben's mind and life drove her further along the corridor, striking down foe after foe in her search for him. She was going to make him pay for every second of despair he had inflicted.

The 'troopers faded to some sort of elite guards. They were harder to fight, but they went down just the same. She still tried to do as little actual killing as possible, choosing to render unconscious or immovable rather than dead, but she wasn't going to let these unforgiving soldiers get in the way of saving him. She could regret the lives she took later. The lives of those dutiful to that monster were nothing compared to his, to hers. To their life. And she would do anything she had to do to get to him.

When the guards were finally exhausted, she faced the Knights. Those that had formerly been loyal to Kylo Ren. Traitors. These she had no mercy for. They had helped their Master subdue Kylo, had helped bring him down, bring him low, tried to ruin him. They had no loyalty, and they deserved no quarter. And she gave none. She ignored her own injuries, ignored the seemingly insurmountable odds. They were nothing.

As the last body fell, she slowly walked into the large chamber beyond. She dragged the tip of her saber along the stone floor as she made her way into the room, sparks flying behind her. The Supreme Leader – what a joke – was lounging in some sort of throne. This was the room that she had seen in Phasma's memory. But the creature in the throne was pathetic. Pitiful. Decrepit. It had old scars along it's head and face, but there were new wounds now too. She could only assume they were from Kylo. One arm was completely covered by the sleeve of his robe, but she could see the jagged scar along the stump where his spindly hand once had been. And she could see just the edges of a half-healed wound starting along the left side of it's throat, working it's way diagonally until it disappeared under it's robes. This creature had not come out unscathed from the fight with Kylo. Must have been why he was torturing the man now, for revenge.

The thing was grinning at her, a sick twisting of it's scarred face that had to have been the ugliest thing she'd ever seen before in her life. “Good evening, child. I'm honestly surprised you've made it this far. I had a feeling you'd be powerful, but this is truly impressive.”

She glowered at the thing. “Save it. Where is Ben?”

Its lips twisted even further. “Ben? Oh, child. That boy died long before you ever came along.”

“Tell me where he is. I know you have him. Maybe I'll end it slowly for you if you cooperate. Because I will end you. Make no mistake. This is your very last day.”

“Tell me Rey, what do you think of my palace?”

She scrunched her brows together in confusion. “What?”

“All of this, the power, the legacy, the galaxy, it could all be yours.” The arm that still had a hand attached gestured to the room around them. Like that was somehow worth whatever he was propositioning.

“You can't be serious.” She shook her head. She lifted her saber into both hands, her feet spreading into her stance.

“I ask for so little, Rey. Fear me. Love me. Let me be your master. All of the galaxy could be yours. You have so much power, so much potential. You squander it all. The light side is not all there is to the Force.”

“I'll never join you. Tell me what I want to know.”

“Be careful, Rey. I have been generous up til now. I can be cruel.”

“Generous? What have you ever done that was generous?”

“Everything! I could have killed you at any moment. I've known where you were, what you were, from the moment of your conception. Do not try my patience, girl! Everything I do, I do for balance, for the galaxy! Cower before me and take your rightful place in the cosmos, or die!”

She closed her eyes and inhaled slowly, letting it out just as slow. She let out all of her emotions with the gesture. Arguing with this monster was futile. She summoned upon the cool, placid lake of the Force inside of her, willing it to bend her to its purpose. Her eyes opened upon the creature, and she knew that it was nothing compared to her.

“Tell me where Ben Solo is. Give him to me. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to this ruin deep in Sith territory. I have come here to take back the man you have stolen from me. For my will is as strong as yours, my ability is greater. You have no power over me.”

The creature stood to its full height. Spittle flew from its angry, scarred lips as he screamed primally at her. He stepped down from the dais his throne was on with purpose, pulling a hilt from his robes. It was the crossguard saber, and he ignited it in all its spitting, unpredictable glory.

She hadn't been prepared for the monster to use this saber. It was intimidating, even more so in his grip. He used it one handed, for obvious reasons, but he seemed comfortable with it this way. She could feel the waves of power leaking from him. He was strong. But she knew she had speed and agility on her side. She had to finish it quick.

She lept toward him, slashing her smaller saber at him, which he easily blocked. Their sabers clashed over and over, her trying to find a chink in his guard. His grip was powerful, but the lack of a second hand had to make him sloppy and less sure. She was counting on it, anyway. She decided the best way to end this was to immobilize his sword arm as well. She focused her blows on trying to slash at his arm rather than trying to find an opening on anything vital. He was too strong to try and just overpower or outmaneuver, she had to make him drop the saber.

He slowly but surely caught on to her tactics. He grimaced at her cruelly and raised his stump at her, sending a shock of Force her way. It was sluggish, but strong, and she had to jump back to avoid the push. She breathed slowly and let the Force flow through her, guide her movements. This was no different than the fight on Starkiller Base, she told herself. She was dealing with a strong, wicked opponent who was weakened and injured. She could handle this.

She struck at him, but was blocked for the most part. The same could not quite be said for her. He was taking great pleasure in causing her small but painful wounds – her thighs and biceps were becoming littered with cuts from his lightsaber. He was teasing her. She ground her teeth and tried to focus harder.

She would make his arrogance his downfall. She peppered him with Force Grips, trying anything to get him off-balance. She was not going to let him win. She had come this far, she was going to end this. She concentrated on keeping him on his toes, off-balance. She tried to make her strikes and grips and pushes as unpredictable as possible.

He was quickly losing patience with the progress of the fight. She could feel it from him, his certainty that she should have failed or given in by now. He knew so little about her. She never failed, never gave in. And she had something to fight for now, for the first time in as long as she could remember. It wasn't just her anymore. It was them. And they were worth winning.

That's when she felt it, through the Force. She could see it clearly. The path to Snoke's downfall. She feigned to her right and used her left hand to pull his leg from under him. He chased her to the left, not seeing her true intentions, and feel to one knee on the stone floor. She used the Force to yank his saber down from its guard and quickly jabbed hers into his bony shoulder. Right into the rotator cuff. The creature screamed and his arm dropped unceremoniously, the saber falling from his spidery fingers. He reached up with his stump, but Rey was too quick. She froze him in place, pushing the saber deeper into the meat of his shoulder.

“You don't get to win, Snoke. You don't even get to live anymore. Tell me what I want to know.”

He spit at blood onto the floor and laughed. She sighed. Even now, even at the end, he had to take the hard road.

She raised her hand to the side of his head and dug the information she needed from his head. As painfully as possible. And then proceeded to pull her saber from his body.

The long way around.

He fell to the stone in two pieces.

She made her way down to the dungeon under the library.

She pushed his cell door open and sighed softly when she saw him finally. He was spread upon the floor, face down. His arms and legs chained to the corners of the room, pulling him taut. He had his cheek pressed against the floor and his eyes were closed. He had some sort of cuff around his neck, thick and heavy. He was mumbling to himself, but she couldn't quite make out the words.

She rushed to him and fell to her knees next to him. “Oh, Force, Ben. What have they done to you..?”

She touched him gingerly, running her fingers through his hair. It had been so beautiful once, but it was dirty and ratty now. She touched his shoulders and back, rubbing him gently. He sighed her name and smiled.

“Don't worry, Ben. I'm going to get you out of here.” She said softly. She lit her saber one last time and started to hack away at his bindings.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First time ever writing a fight scene. I was REALLY close to just being like "and they fought hard and Rey won, THE END".
> 
> Also. Gratuitous Labyrinth references and quotes GALORE! Couldn't really help myself.


	23. Into The Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the morning it comes, heaven sends a hurricane.  
> Not a trace of the sun, but I don't even run from rain.  
> Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding onto you.  
> From the moment I knew. From the moment I knew.  
> You're the air in my breath, filling up my love-soaked lungs.  
> Such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun.  
> Nothing better than this, knowing that the storm can come.  
> You feel just like the sun. Just like the sun.  
> And you say 'Be alright.'  
> I'm gonna trust you, babe. Gonna look in your eyes.  
> And you say 'Be alright.'  
> I will follow you into The Light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like this chapter :/  
> I feel like each one I write is getting more and more not-good. That's not a real word >.>;  
> I don't think I'm very good at dialogue. I think that's the main problem.  
> Meh.  
> Enjoy!

_Nevermind what I knew, nothing seems to matter now_

_Oh, who I was without you I can do without_

Her presence always made him feel better, safer. Even if she wasn't real. The thought of her was what calmed his soul. It was the only thing that made this torment bearable. She was like the sun. She was the piece of Light in this darkness that he couldn't escape. She was the thing that he clung to, that let him know everything was alright with the rest of the galaxy. He might be damned for eternity, but she was perfect. Wherever she was.

The point was, he wasn't really paying a lot of attention to her words so much as her mere presence. So when she ignited her lightsaber, he was completely taken aback. He recoiled from it as much as he could while being chained spread-eagle. He was completely unprepared for this.

“Stop! Rey! They'll hear you!” He was frantic. If they found her, they'd kill her. They'd take her from him again. If they found her, he didn't know if he could live with himself. He couldn't live without her. He couldn't live if they found her and took her... But she wasn't really here. He tried to calm his breathing. She wasn't real. They couldn't hurt her. They couldn't get to her. He'd made sure they couldn't get to her. He'd pushed her away. Or she'd left him for another man. He really couldn't remember which at this point. But she was gone, safe, somewhere else.

He felt her kneel next to him again and her hand was in his hair once more. He loved it when she touched his hair. It was the most soothing thing. It gave him vague memories of Leia – his mother – combing his hair. She used to braid it when he was little, before the academy. Han hated it. He felt like it wasn't very manly. But Leia loved to braid his hair. And he loved to let her.

“Shhh, Ben. It's alright. I think I took care of everyone.” She was looking down the hall. “No one is coming.” He was drug out of the memory by the hallucination. He'd forgotten she was there for half a moment. It was like that now, time didn't work right. His mind didn't work right.

He shook his head vehemently. “No. No. They'll come. They always come. They'll come and take you away from me and I don't know if I'll be able to remember again!” He pressed his cheek into the stone again, trying to ground himself. He closed his eyes and repeated the mantra he'd come to use in his worst moments. “Rey. Rey. You're Rey. You're Rey, and I'm R – B – en.”

Then he heard the voice again. It was insidious in his mind, turning everything against him, making his memories wrong. He saw her getting onto the transport again. He saw the traitor taking her by the arm. He saw her fly into the pilot's embrace, casting him a pitiful look. She left. _She's not really here. She doesn't want you. She doesn't love you. Do you really think you're worthy of anyone's love?_ He grabbed his head in his hands – when had his hands become free? – and yanked on his hair. “No! Stop it! Shut up _shut up!”_ He started hitting the side of his head repeatedly.

She had the most heartbreaking look on her face as she drew his hands from him. “Oh, Ben. It's okay. They can't hurt you anymore.”

“Please.” He was begging. He was reduced to begging. “Please, he won't stop. You have to make him stop!”

_She isn't here._

_Not even your disgusting scavenger can save you from me. You're never going to get away from this. This is your life now. It's all you're worth, all you're good for._

She looked confused now. Usually, when he hallucinated her, she was in his mind and knew what he was thinking. Strange hallucination, indeed. She took his hands in her own grimy ones. “Ben, please. Listen to me. They're gone. They're done. I finished it. _He's_ gone.”

“He's not! I can hear him! I can feel him! Why can't you just leave me be? Why can't I forget?!” He yanked his hands from her and tried to bury himself in the stone floor again. He was really good at denial and ignorance. Maybe if he ignored her enough, his mind would stop playing these terrible tricks on him.

His hallucination was so realistic it actually rolled its eyes to the ceiling and seemed to be mumbling to itself. “Ben, you are so kriffing stubborn sometimes.” She heaved a sigh and smiled down at him again. “Let's try this again. Good morning, Ben. It's Rey. I'm here to rescue you. So let's get you on those freighters you call feet and get out of here, huh?”

He shook his head at her again, pulling himself into a semi-seated position. Wasn't he chained earlier? “You're.. You're not real. You're not here. I know you're not real. It used to be nice, it used to feel good to think of you like this, but it's not fair anymore. I can't leave. You know I can't. You're not here. You're not here! Stop saying you're here!” He was becoming irrationally angry now. Why was she trying to torture him like this?

She took one of his hands in both of hers and squeezed. “Does that feel not real to you? I'm here. I swear. Come _on._ ”

He shook his head again. It didn't make any sense. She _couldn't_ be here! “Doesn't really prove anything. I touch you all the time when I imagine you.” That was the best part of the visions. He hadn't heard her in so long, touch was all he had. He imagined her touch more than anything else. Soothing, calming, loving him. Even if it was fake, even if he knew she didn't love him. It helped. It made this bearable.

She went a little pink – though, it was hard to tell under all the dirt and gore all over her face – and gave him a bit of a sultry smile. “Well. While that's super flattering, I don't really think we have time for that right now. Plus, you are really gross.” She gave him a chuckle.

He looked down at himself and blinked. He was wearing all black still, so it was hard to tell, but she might be right. He hadn't put any real thought into his personal appearance in a long time. Then he looked back up at her and raised an eyebrow. “Look who's talking?”

Was he really sitting here, joking with his imagination? Maybe Snoke had finally broken him. He let out a bit of an hysterical laugh.

“I come here, I spend a lot of my time and effort fighting my way to you, I killed Snoke for Force's sake, and you're going to tell me I smell?” She only looked half affronted. Mostly joking. It was so heart-melting. It made him think of those blissful days in his quarters when he had her all to himself. When she'd sit in his lap and lick frosting off her fingers. She had been such a spitfire. He always gave her such a hard time about how she ate. She was like an animal that wasn't sure when it would get another meal. And he always gave her hell about it. He'd give anything to see her in such a domestic situation again. He'd give anything for this to be real.

It happened so quickly, his joy at being with her turned to despair. He felt his eyes water, tracking down his dirty cheeks. “I've missed you so much, Rey..”

She almost crawled into his lap, getting as close as she possibly could. She took his face between her hands and kissed him. “I'm here. I swear to all that's holy, I'm here. You don't have to miss me anymore. I'm here.” She said between peppering his face with kisses.

He finally gave in and wrapped his arms around her. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and just breathed her in. She was whispering into his hair, soft soothing words. “He's dead, Ben.” Her voice was shaky. “I killed him. He's dead. In two pieces on that damned throne room floor. You can't hear him anymore, he can't hurt you anymore.” He wanted to believe her so badly. Wanted this nightmare to finally be over. But there was that itch in the back of his brain, like small lightning strikes. It hurt still. He could still feel that monster. She was just trying to make him feel better, to lull him.

He shook his head. “Nothing can kill him. He's perfected eternal life through the Force.” Hadn't Snoke always told him so? That he had succeeded where Plagueis had failed? The damned creature bragged about it. “I tried. Stars, I tried. But he was too much.” He had flashback memories of the fight by the throne, just quick glances into the past. He was so filled with anger and rage he was almost in a trance. He didn't remember all of the details. But he knew he'd struck out at the thing when he'd tried to grab Ben. But he wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough to defeat his demons. And he'd paid the price for even trying.

He heard her laugh softly. “Oh, Ben. I guess I tried harder. He's gone. I can take you to see the body, if you want.” She stood and yanked on his arms, urging him to get up as well. He stood slowly, on shaky legs. He wasn't used to standing anymore. And he hadn't really been fed what anyone would consider well while being tortured. She put her arm around his torso and shoved her shoulder into his armpit, giving him something to steady himself on. “C'mon. I can't guarantee that we'll have uneventful passage if we stay on this forsaken planet much longer.”

She led him out of the cell and he went with her, hesitating for just a moment at the doorway. If this was just some kind of terrible trick from Snoke, he'd pay for it. If this was just some imaginary hallucination, he'd regret it later. But he didn't want to argue with her anymore. He was tired. And he missed her so much. And this was the realest she'd ever felt since he was put in that damned cell. He was going to follow her into whatever hell she led him, and he would do it willingly. If he was punished for it, maybe it would finally be the end. He was tired of this existence, anyway.

She led him up the stairs slowly and into a long corridor and finally into the receiving room that Snoke used, the large throne in the middle, ostentatious even in it's primitiveness. She brought him in front of it and pointed. He stared at the floor for long moments, not really sure what he was looking down at. There were two large, shriveled parts on the floor, the majority of some mummified torso and the rest next to it. It didn't look even vaguely familiar, dried and desiccated as it was. But he recognized the homespun robes. The spindly, bony fingers. He slumped down to his knees with a gasp, looking at it with realization. Snoke was gone. For real. He was dead.

He looked up at Rey, his eyes shining with emotion as well as tears. “He's gone.”

She nodded. “He's gone.”

He wrapped his arms around her waist. “You're. You're real. You're here.”

She nodded again, smiling down at him. “I'm real.”

“You're real!” He quickly pulled himself to his feet.

Her own eyes were suspiciously wet. “Yes.”

He grabbed her in his arms again and spun her around and she squealed. Then, just as quickly, his mood changed and he put her down. “I need.. You have to.. Get this kriffing thing _off me_!” He was tearing at the yoke around his neck.

She reached up to fiddle with the locks but frowned. “I'm not sure how it works? What is it?”

He uselessly pawed at the thing. “It's an inhibitor. Please.” He knelt down in front of her, pulling his hair out of the way so she could get a better look at it. He couldn't stand being in the stifling thing one moment longer. The only reason he'd tolerated it in the first place was it kept them from finding her through their link.

She inspected it, her hands running across the surface of it. “There's some sort of lock. I think it might be biometric..” She tugged at it, but to no avail.

He groaned. “It's probably locked to _him_.” He nodded to the body on the floor.

Her hands left his neck and he turned to face her. She was rubbing her face. “There's a little touchpad. Like, finger-sized. Ugh. Force. I don't want to _touch_ it.” She groaned, covering her eyes.

He looked at her skeptically over his shoulder. “You spent years scavenging through downed destroyers. You had to have come across a dead body before.”

She shook her head. “This is different. I killed this one.”

He sighed. “Trust me, I don't want to touch it either. I've never wanted to touch it. Never wanted it to touch me.” he swallowed thickly, pushing old hurts back in his mind. “But I need you to get this thing off of me, now Rey.”

She groaned again. “This has got to be the most disgusting thing I've ever done.” she grumbled to herself. She quickly removed the remaining hand, brought it over to Ben, and spend an eternity trying to figure out which finger to press against the touchpad while still holding it by only her thumb and forefinger.

It was the thumb. Of course it was the thumb. That way, the hand would have wrapped around his neck while it locked the thing in place.

It finally clicked open and Ben threw it to the floor as quickly as he could. The moment it was away from him, he felt the universe rushing into his mind to greet him. He inhaled sharply, drawing back a bit from the sensation. It had been so long since he had felt at one with the galaxy like this.

Then he felt her. That was what had made this whole thing real to him, finally. He was linked to her again. He turned quickly and caught her to him once more, embracing her tightly, burying his nose in her skin.

“Let's get out of here.” He murmured to her. Finally.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm writing this at work. Because I have no shame. And I get home this morning, and I'm like "*pout pout* I wonder why no one has commented yet.. I think the summary is SO REYLO, doesn't everyone else??"
> 
> Then I'm like, "duh, ya stupid bint. You haven't added the chapter yet! How is someone supposed to comment or like or view something that ISN'T THERE??"
> 
> Guh.


	24. Even If We Can't Find Heaven, I'll Walk Through Hell With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EMOOOOOTIOOOOOOOOONSSSSS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I told you I was working on a new chapter!

_And, hey, if your wings are broken_

_Please take mine so yours can open, too_

They made their way out of the compound and out into the desolate planet to her ship. It was slow going, Ben was in no kind of shape to be steady on his feet, but she stood by him the whole way. Things were far from perfect, and he was going to have a lot of explaining to do, but at least he wasn't in that hell hole any longer. And she could feel him again. She didn't realize how much she missed him taking up a corner of her mind until he was gone. Having him back again was... comforting.

She got him seated and made her way to the cockpit before she realized that she didn't have any plans on what to do _after_ the daring rescue. They were _not_ going back to the First Order, that was for damned sure. But she wasn't sure how good of an idea it was to take him back to the Resistance, either. Sure, Leia would welcome him with open arms. And most people probably didn't even realize the scourge of the First Order ever was a man named Ben Solo. But that kind of secret can't be kept for very long on such a small base. And Finn and Poe knew who he was. It was bad enough that Poe was so upset with her for running off in the first place. She couldn't imagine his reaction if she brought Kylo Ren back with her.

_He followed me home. Can I keep him?_

She doubted that would go over very well.

She was never going back to Jakku. And Takodana was out, he'd destroyed Maz's cantina. Also, she doubted the little alien would ever forgive him for killing Han.

She didn't have a wide range of other planets that she knew of that were safe that she felt comfortable taking him to. She sighed deeply. What would Luke think if she took him to Ahch-To? He was such a peaceful man, but could he forgive Ben for what he had done to Luke's academy all those years ago?

Damnit, she should have put more thought into this. She was acting just as impulsively as she had accused him of so many months ago.

Maybe they could run off to some neutral planet and hide from both of the warring factions? Just be themselves and be together and not worry about all of this?

But could she do that? Could she leave all of her friends? The people she had come to think of as family? Sure, Poe was annoying as hell sometimes, and Finn was way too overprotective, but they were her family now. Leia had been like a mother to her. And Chewy had been so kind to her. Luke had taken the time to train her when she knew he hadn't ever wanted another student. Could she run off and never see these people again? For a man? A man who wasn't even that good? Who had done terrible, horrible things? Murderer. Torturer. War criminal. He was a war criminal. And he had lied to her, hurt her. Manipulated her, if Poe was correct.

But, didn't everyone deserve forgiveness? A second chance? He was so different now. Surely, she wasn't the only person to be able to see that. With Snoke gone, with that poison out of his mind, he could try to make amends. Did he want that? Did he want atonement? Did he even want forgiveness? Just because he seemed different, didn't mean that he _was_. Just because he treated her well didn't mean that he would do the same for others. Or that he even wanted to be with his family again. He had hurt so many people, done so many atrocities. Did he see now that his past was wrong? What if he didn't? What if he still thought that he had made the right choices?

Did this man deserve her attention and time and love?

Love?

Did she _love_ Ben? Kylo Ren. She wasn't terribly sure what to call him now. He seemed so far removed from the monster that he had once been when they had first met. But he was still that person, he had done those things.

All of these questions were useless unless she could find them somewhere safe to hide, at least for the time being. At least till they could talk things through. They had a lot of decisions that needed to be made. And she wasn't sure he was healthy enough – mentally or physically – to really answer to any of her questions yet.

She sighed heavily. The only recourse she had was Ahch-To, at this point. She didn't know what Luke's reaction would be to seeing Ben, but she knew that he, at least, wouldn't try to kill him or imprison him. Luke might be disappointed in her for bringing him back, but she really didn't have any other choice at this point. And this whole argument might even be moot, anyway. He might not even be on Ahch-To at the moment. The last time she had seen Luke had been on Dantooine.

She set in the coordinates and made her way back to the passenger area. Ben was slumped awkwardly in the seat, it was far too small for him to be comfortable. She sat next to him and he immediately gravitated to her, wrapping his arms around her as best he could and trying to bury his face in her neck. She stiffened, just a bit, but relaxed after a moment. She.. wasn't fond of being touched. Especially after the mess of their parting. She still wasn't sure how she felt about all of this, how she felt about him. But she instinctively knew that he needed her. And, damn her, she would do anything to be needed. Especially by Ben.

So she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and just held him for what could have been minutes or hours. She felt him shaking slightly under her touch, his shoulders jolting under her hands. He clutched her tighter, breathing her in, his lungs hitching. How could she do anything but want to comfort him?

After a while his breathing calmed again and she gently rocked him in her arms. She couldn't begrudge him this. His nightmare was finally over. A new one might be about to begin, but that was for a later time to worry about. When he had finally calmed, she rubbed his back softly and leaned away from him. She made a face, but still smiled at him. “Come on, Ben. You stink.” She stood and pulled him up with her. He clung to her, probably thinking she was going to leave him there alone again. “I guess we both stink..” she said with a smile, tugging him along to the small 'fresher. “You need to rest, and you are not getting in any of the bunks on this ship until you've washed the stink of that place off.”

He stumbled along behind her as she dragged him into the shower. He stood there for a moment, just looking at her. She rolled her eyes and pushed at him. “Go on.” When he made no move to clean up, she sighed heavily and started to yank at the rags covering him. “Seriously. All joking aside. You need a shower. Badly.”

He nodded and finally kicked his way out of the tattered robes. She pushed him into the shower and reached in to turn it on for him, and he reached out and dragged her in with him, fully clothed. She gasped. “Ben! No!” She tried to jump back out again, but he wrapped those giant arms around her and pulled her into the spray. “Uggggh.” She was immediately soaked through. The damned thing was barely large enough to hold him comfortably, there was just no room for them both. But he hugged her closely to his chest and buried his face in her wet, ratty hair. “I can shower on my own.” She mumbled irritably. But she wrapped her arms around his torso and just melted into the embrace. Maker, she had missed being held like this.

“I know. I don't want to.” He started to pull the ties out of her hair, dropping them onto the floor of the shower with little regard. When he'd freed her hair, he started to massage his fingers into her scalp. She closed her eyes and lolled her head back, letting the water and his fingers soothe her. “I'm never _ever_ letting you go again.” He said it so quietly, yet so firmly. His face so stern.

She sighed. “Ben, we really need to talk about this..” she murmured as he started to work shampoo through her hair. It was hard to think when he was doing that.

He shook his head. “Nothing to talk about. I have you back. I'm not going to give you up again. End of discussion.” He was very focused on washing her hair.

She frowned. “I'm not a thing that you own, Ben.”

“I didn't say you were.”

She opened her eyes and glared. “You imply it by saying that you 'have' me.”

He shrugged. “I'm yours, just as you're mine.” He ran his fingers through her hair as he rinsed it under the spray. “It's not about ownership. It just is. The Force has fashioned us for one another.”

She started to pull her sodden garments off and reached for the bar of soap in the dish above her. “That's probably the most insane thing you've ever said, Ben. And you've said a lot of insane things. The Force fashioned us? Really?” She rolled her eyes and started to soap up his chest. She was not going to think about the way his torso felt under her hands. “We make our own destiny. And nothing is ever set in stone.”

He shrugged and stilled her hands on his chest, covering them with his own. “We have a destiny, you and I. And it is together. We're free to make our own choices, but in the end we will always be together. The Force brought us together. The Force showed you where to go. The Force wants this, and there's no other choice but to follow it where it leads us.”

She gave him a sardonic look. “Pretty philosophical for a guy that just spent the better part of a year chained up, without choice, without The Force.”

He gave her a smirk. “Gave me lots of time to think. About my life and my choices. I wanted to be like my Grandfather. I think I'm finally seeing that I was wrong about what part of his life I was meant to finish.” His thumbs were rubbing against her knuckles and he had such a soft look in his eye. She blushed and looked away, unable to maintain eye contact with that smoldering look. She cleared her throat and started to slowly inch them around so he was standing under the spray. He dutifully bent over so she could wash his hair like he had for her, her fingernails scraping against his scalp to get as much built-up grime out as possible.

“Yeah. Well.” She shuffled a bit, working the soap through his hair. “You're assuming an awful lot. Like the idea that I _want_ to be with you now, after everything you've done.”

He shook his head, standing back up straight to let the water flow through his hair. “Everything I've done, since the moment we've met, I've done for you. For us.”

He gets the glare again. “That doesn't make everything you've done somehow okay. You used and manipulated me. A lot. You can't pretend like that didn't happen.”

He pulled her close to him again. “I found you. I love you. You're here with me. I'm not saying I've not made mistakes along the way. You made plenty of mistakes yourself. But, sometimes the ends _do_ justify the means, Rey. You're here with me, that's what matters to me. That's all that matters to me.”

She huffed as she was pressed against his chest once more. “Doesn't mean I trust you.”

He shrugged. “We can work on that.”

 


End file.
